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Hawksley and I had a very long talk last night. For two hours and eighteen minutes.

It all started over a misunderstood joke, and then I started to freak out about it. He tried to get me to relax, but I kept getting more and more wound up as we moved on to other topics. From my joke to the fact that I didn't want to push him away. To "I want you to love me." To "I'm trying to do everything I can for you." To "I don't know what else I can do." To me calling him on the phone and asking to talk to Eric.

I talked with Eric. I asked him what else I could do. I said I was in love with him, and I might just end up pining away for him, like Eric was doing with his ex-girlfriend. I was at a loss. I couldn't figure out what more he wanted from me. I felt like Hawksley was killing "us" before we even had a chance.

Eric told me to talk with Hawksley.

I did.

We talked for those two hours. He finally stopped lying to me. He told me he was way too selfish to ever love me. And that he was happy that way. That he was perfectly happy before I came along. That he wouldn't care if it went back to that.
That he only used me to get what he wanted, that night before I left.
That it was just too easy to take advantage of me.
That he didn't want to change, because he was perfectly fine the way he was. He didn't see why he would have to change.
That he had lied when he said he loved me. (He explained that one to me. He said it didn't matter if he had lied then, if he meant it later. He didn't mean it later.)

I don't want someone like that. I don't want someone who'll just use me. Who doesn't want to be with me if it takes effort on his part, if he has to think of someone besides himself. I don't want to be forced into a situation where he won't ever love me, and here I am, trying desperately to get to pay attention to me.

Halfway through our talk, I gave him an analogy. I told him to think of a lion and an antelope. The lion has its mouth over the antelope's nose, cutting off its breathing. The lion has its claws dug into the antelope's neck, stopping it from getting away. And despite everything, the antelope is still kicking, still trying to survive.

At the end of the night, when he told me he wasn't going to call me back because he was too tired, I told him "I've stopped kicking. I give up."

It's not worth it. I feel like I'm dying. I watched myself lock my heart into a big steel box last night. Even touching the box hurts. The key is waiting in the keyhole for the time that I can face the pain. But right now, I can't breath. His mouth is cutting off my airflow. His claws are in my neck, and I can't get away. I'm blacking out, and I'm going to die. And he's going to make a meal out of me and move on with his life.

I found something interesting, though. My lion-antelope analogy? What happens if the antelope survives? It lopes away, fleeing as fast as it can, and hopes it doesn't get eaten sometime in the future.
There's no way for the lion and antelope to live together. It just doesn't work that way, because they're incompatible.

I still want to be his friend. I think we make great friends. Especially after I kill my fruitless pursuit of him. But this pain won't go away for a long, long time.

Side note: I've been wishing for rain for months down here. It hasn't rained since the first week I was here.
It rained last night.