Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World

1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.

God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.[1] So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he 'felt like a right twit.' Then he drowned."