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And one for the demon that lights up your eyes. |
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I am, sadly, the type of person that many a thing and point will fly on by...and maybe, maybe if I am super-lucky it will come back by around again and hit me in the face, finally getting my attention and getting through my thick skull.
Had that happen a few days ago with a simple quote that I had read a few million times before and thought I understood...only to read it again and BOOM! My poor mind was blown and the lights knocked out for just a little bit.
Ready to read the epiphany that I had, what little simple truth knocked me emotionally flat on my a**?
We teach people how to treat us.
Yeah, I thought I got it the first time, too. And I hope that some of you really did get it if that was the first time you read it, and I hope that for those of you who think you got it...well, I hope it comes back by for you, too. Because I thought I had it...but it turned out I did not, not really.
But I think I do now.
Flash back a few years and a Once Upon A Time and you will see that I was the type of person who had more people around them then you could shake a stick at. My entire life has been the most upsetting contradiction to an introvert that I can think of: The more time and space you need away from people, the more people just have to be around you. Nature abhors a vacuum, I guess. Or maybe it's a cruel mixture of that and a certain other principle of Murphey's Law that states simply that what one needs is usually exactly the opposite of what they get.
In my case, the exact opposite of what I have needed my entire life has been a large quantity of people. I originally typed out that the last thing I needed in my life was people but that is simply wrong. I don't need people but there are certain individuals that I have needed but the number has always been so low that I have never needed more then one hand to count them on. I can not stress enough that for this one, quality really does beat out quantity.
As the song says, I don't have a lot of friends but I shake a lot of hands.
It's been this way my entire life...but it was not until I was talking it out to Strawberry today that I think I really and finally nailed out why.
I have in my head an ideal person, an ideal version of me that is good, kind, patient and loving no matter what. This person never tires, never wavers, and never gives up on people and the good she can see in them.
The ideal, no matter how bright and shiny, tarnishes once it meets reality...and the mess that reality and that ideal creates is me. A disturbing mixture that makes me want to be there for people no matter what personal concerns I have- no matter what is going on with me, to put them first and be the champion they so seem to need- but at the same time makes it damn near impossible to just sit and say nothing through all the complaining and whining. It's like I want to save people from the world and themselves just so I can throttle them myself and yell at them for getting themselves into the situations that they have blundered into so carelessly. The sad thing, the really twisted thing, is that I do not mean this out of any real malice, but a wish that people would believe in themselves just a little bit more, just have a little bit more respect for themselves then to allow such bright potential go to waste.
Because that is all I see- everywhere I look- all these bright lights people have in them that they allow others to dim...or worse, they turn the light down and out all on their little own.
And it makes me mad and sad, both at them and for them; because my idea of showing someone I believe in them is to not allow them to wallow and whine for too long. I have had to cut myself out of a lot of lives, since, it turns out, very few people actually want to hear that their lives are their own fault.
You teach people how to treat you.
You teach them that you can not be relied on, that you do not want to work hard or push yourself too hard or really have to be bothered by doing much. You teach them not to trust you or your words, teach them that you are only out for yourself.
In the end, you reap what you sow when it comes to people.
I can say this because I have learned it from different people at different times in my life- for good and for bad, you get what you deserve from people.
Take, for example, what I said earlier about always having people around me: I had tons of "friends"- people who knew I would never say no when asked, be it money or time or my shoulder, use of my apartment, getting together to do things even though I was sick or exhausted after a shift at my old factory job; I even went so far as to hardly sleeping more then three hours of sleep each night because by the time I got home from work there were tons of people and messages I had been "ignoring" and letting pile up all day. Never mind that I had been at work over ten hours, not counting time to get there and back...they had been made to wait and there was no excuse!
And of course there is not- when someone needs a friend to be there, when someone is really hurting and reaches out to someone else for some kind words or a loving thought then there is no excuse for not giving that person a little compassion and kindness.
I taught people it was okay to not give me those things, though; I taught people that I would always put their needs first and never even question what it was I was losing out on in personal ways by doing so. I lost things and chances I will never have again...and I taught people that I would not even dampen their little consciences by reminding them of such or making them realize that I was sick or feeling bad or just not in the mood for whatever it was that they needed to talk about that day. I put on my best smile and pulled up what little compassion and patience I had left no matter how much it hurt. And hurt it did, and it has, because now I have good people around me that I wish I could help more but I am so tapped out that I feel like I am running relationships on nothing more then their goodwills and that is not fair. That's not fair at all and in the end makes me what I despise so very much.
I taught people it was okay, I wanted to be a welcome mat so don't worry about even asking how my day was, just go right into whatever it was that is burdening you...and no, I will keep it to myself what seems so painfully obvious in just about 99.99% of all these cases:
People can change their circumstances, life does not have to be so hard, but they choose to keep the troubles they have because it's either too much work to change or they really do not want their lives to be different because the drama and trauma serve some inner need I can not even begin to imagine or understand.
I don't see why people put up with things that they say make them so unbelievably miserable...sure, you might have to work a little bit and get a little dirty and take risks but so damn what? Are those things really so bad and scary and worse then what you are dealing with right now?
...I just do not get people and I guess I never will.
I don't see why or how someone can proclaim they are so miserable...but not try to change. No, not try- just change already! Everyone has it in them to make their lives what they want and desire their lives to be- that is the lovely thing about freewill, my darlings- you always have a choice even when it feels like you don't.
But I guess whining about it is some people's choice. Despite the whining it's easier to do then to make hard and real changes, to take control and be willing to accept blame and responsibility.
Oh, I know I am evil for using the dreaded "R" word. Responsibility- ohhh, so scary. It all comes back to what I started this entry out about: how each of us teaches people how to treat us.
I, for one, am done teaching people to take advantage of the kindness and patience that I used to have. I have seen enough of what real helplessness and hopelessness looks like that I finally feel I can spot the difference between someone who actually needs help and someone who just wants to complain and find someone else to take blame for them.
I am not as nice as I used to be. I am not as stupid, naive, and desiring to be everyone's Supergirl anymore. I woke up to the fact that just because someone acts hurt and says they are hurt does not mean they are not just faking you out to see what you will do for them.
It's not fun to realize how stupid you can be...but it sure has been a wake-up call.
I taught people certain ways to treat me and now I am slowly digging out of that hole. It feels good to be doing it, too.
Freeing. Even when I slip back a little bit I can still tell I have made progress.
So think about it sometime, the next time you find yourself wondering why people treat you a certain way or why certain things keep happening.
The wonderful thing about the problem being you is that you are the only thing you have control over and can change. You can't change the weather or other people, but you can sure as hell change yourself.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
 RadiantFlare · Tue Aug 10, 2010 @ 07:44am · 0 Comments |
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