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Charles is right. Technically, everyone is right. And I think I need to pray for myself, because I've had this gut feeling that it's wrong. And I go back and want to do it anyway.

Yeah, I'm leading Hawksley along. I like the attention. No, I wouldn't take my clothes off with him. No, that doesn't make it okay. Yeah, I'm so lonely that I want to cry, but meeting Hawksley kinda dulled that. Yeah, I'm crying now.

I have to stop. I have to think. Because contrary to popular belief, I do love Tye. He makes my heart skip beats. He understands me like nobody else ever has, and he's never even had to try. He'll push me and play around with me, but he and I have had talks that blow my mind. He loves me. He's working so hard because he wants to be able to provide for me. He's told me all of this. And how can I possibly keep going on and on like this?

If Tye were to do with another woman what I did to Hawksley, I'd be heartbroken. And I'd cry and cry for days. And then probably beat the s**t out of the girl. And then him. And then cry some more.

I need to act like I already have that promise ring. If he's told me he's getting it, then he will. He always does his best. And he loves me. Hell, he's already joked around about us setting the date for our wedding!

...What have I been doing...?

I love the control Hawksley gives me. I love indulging in the taste of his smooth skin and the feel of him convulsing in my arms. But I have no emotional interest in him besides friends. And every night, it's Tye I'm longing to be next to.

Hawksley is "fun". But Tye is the light of my life.

God, please forgive your sinful daughter.

Friends, please pray for me to find my way back. Back to my senses, back away from someone else. Back to the man I love.

I'm going to tie a string around my ring finger. I'm going to put it there as a reminder to myself. I know everyone is looking down on me right now, and very disappointed in me. But please... forgive me for what I did. I can't do it anymore. I can't do that to Tye.

I still don't 100% believe that I was cheating. Maybe it's denial, maybe not. I believe I was flirting inappropriately with him. And I wouldn't be happy with that from Tye, and I shouldn't dare to give myself any special privileges. I'm not above him. Tye and I are both equals.

God I'm ******** up. How could I do that?

I'm going to go talk to Hawksley. I'm going to set it straight. I lost my head for those two days that I met him. I went that far because he let me. But I shouldn't have taken the invitation. I'm going to go talk to him right now. And then come back later in the week and post the results here, when I get the chance.

Never doubt my love for Tye. I do love him. I can't stand this feeling of loneliness, though. I need to talk to him more. I can't. But I want to and need to. It's so difficult. Please help me. Please. Anything. I just can't deal with the way I've betrayed our relationship.