ScarletFrost
Chieftain Twilight
ScarletFrost
Chieftain Twilight
i truely hate to come down to this, whining about matters that i always think of as trivial, being of such an emotional state that i truely do feel pathetic and as though i am dematuring.
my issue is my inability to cope with inner fears, based on unfulfilled desires of what i admit feel to me like adolescent level goals. in short, my deep-seeded desire to marry and become a father.
i am a Polyamorous person. by my very nature, i cannot stand to be tied down or bound by any expectations of fidelity or monogamy. to place any sort of rule on me frightens me so deeply that i panic and run away. i have broken up with significant others for such seemingly small things as checking the ages of any "side-dishes" i flirt with. i have made it clear that anyone whom i am to be with would have to be comfortable with me being free to sleep around on a whim, and in fact, do anything on a whim. i of course do not mind that they do the same, as long as i can trust them to keep clean of STDs.
however, as i grow older and farther away from my youth (shut up, i know i am only 20! that's still no longer a teen!) and remain no closer to a wife who will support me in all things i do and bear me at least one child, i find myself growing very restless, very frightened, and very tired. am i ever going to fnd what i am looking for? will it be in time, while i am still young? i don'tintend to live past 70, and if i reach 80 i'll off myself for being too old! so i feel i must procreate while i am in my 20s still. yet i know i cannot do the single parent thing, i have had practice...
i find myself on the one hand feeling ready to compromise, though it goes against my beliefs of marriage (that it is not about compromise, but rather about perfect singularity and mutual agreement), and become monogamous for the sake of getting the supportive and child-bearing wife that i want. yet i know that this will make me miserable, i can just feel the depression of being caged up like that hitting me even as i imagine living that way, tied down to one woman. i'm not even certain that i could keep that up without cheating, but i know that i would be silent, not eat, barely sleep, hardly any communication with that wife... i fear it would even effect how i behave as a father.
i need help, reconciling my fears, or at least getting insight and advice, hearing the truth of such matters. sad i realy do fear not having it all go exactly how i want it. i want it all on my terms, i want to be able to have children, and someone to support me in everything i do and decide, and to help me raise the kids, and i want to be a father and a better one than either my stepdad who raised me or the loser who made me and then abandoned me (twice now), and i want to be able to live without rules r expectations, to be able to accept an offer of sex without having to worry what my wife will think, to go out and flirt and hook up and swing.
my issue is my inability to cope with inner fears, based on unfulfilled desires of what i admit feel to me like adolescent level goals. in short, my deep-seeded desire to marry and become a father.
i am a Polyamorous person. by my very nature, i cannot stand to be tied down or bound by any expectations of fidelity or monogamy. to place any sort of rule on me frightens me so deeply that i panic and run away. i have broken up with significant others for such seemingly small things as checking the ages of any "side-dishes" i flirt with. i have made it clear that anyone whom i am to be with would have to be comfortable with me being free to sleep around on a whim, and in fact, do anything on a whim. i of course do not mind that they do the same, as long as i can trust them to keep clean of STDs.
however, as i grow older and farther away from my youth (shut up, i know i am only 20! that's still no longer a teen!) and remain no closer to a wife who will support me in all things i do and bear me at least one child, i find myself growing very restless, very frightened, and very tired. am i ever going to fnd what i am looking for? will it be in time, while i am still young? i don'tintend to live past 70, and if i reach 80 i'll off myself for being too old! so i feel i must procreate while i am in my 20s still. yet i know i cannot do the single parent thing, i have had practice...
i find myself on the one hand feeling ready to compromise, though it goes against my beliefs of marriage (that it is not about compromise, but rather about perfect singularity and mutual agreement), and become monogamous for the sake of getting the supportive and child-bearing wife that i want. yet i know that this will make me miserable, i can just feel the depression of being caged up like that hitting me even as i imagine living that way, tied down to one woman. i'm not even certain that i could keep that up without cheating, but i know that i would be silent, not eat, barely sleep, hardly any communication with that wife... i fear it would even effect how i behave as a father.
i need help, reconciling my fears, or at least getting insight and advice, hearing the truth of such matters. sad i realy do fear not having it all go exactly how i want it. i want it all on my terms, i want to be able to have children, and someone to support me in everything i do and decide, and to help me raise the kids, and i want to be a father and a better one than either my stepdad who raised me or the loser who made me and then abandoned me (twice now), and i want to be able to live without rules r expectations, to be able to accept an offer of sex without having to worry what my wife will think, to go out and flirt and hook up and swing.
So if I'm reading this right, you have a basic conflict between your desires and the sort of commitment they entail. It sounds like your biological clock is ticking, and you don't know how to reconcile your footloose nature with the demands of being a responsible parent and partner. As if you are so afraid of commitment, and the paradigms constructed by convention, that you are sabotaging your own efforts.
First of all, getting everything you want the way you want it is pretty much impossible--even for billionaires. You can settle--in the sense of a stone settling on the sea floor, not in the legal sense of giving up a few things for something else you want--without betraying your core beliefs. You can love wholeheartedly without being exclusive. You just need maturity to do it.
Second, building a family is not about YOU. I notice that at least three times, you mentioned you wanted a woman to support YOU and bear YOU children. No. Bad Zack. Don't think about it that way. I understand that you want a loving and supporting partner, and then children to pour your love into, but YOU have to support THEM. You give 100% to your family, or you don't deserve a family. You do this because you want to, because you love them. You need to get yourself to a place in your mind where you can accept part of yourself being permanently tied to someone else, emotionally, financially, spiritually, ect., because even if it doesn't work out with a wife, if you have a child, your heart will be permanently attached to them until the day you die.
Having a family takes work, and time, and that big scary "c" word--COMMIMENT. Any wife (or procreation partner) you take--regardless of your polyamorous lifestyle--will require a certain level of commitment--ESPECIALLY if you want to raise a child with her. It will require your time and effort for the LONG TERM. Building a family of any model (nuclear, communal, etc) takes hard work, time and effort you might have to take away from other areas in your life because there are only 24 hours in a day, and kids will take up at least 20 of them.
Finally, if you can find a partner who accepts and loves you as you are AND is willing to raise a child with you (because too many women would rather have a child and then collect child support) then there should be no reason you feel threatened by committing to her. You should accept and love her for the treasure she is. You don't have to be sexually exclusive (and such a woman wouldn't want you to go against your nature like that) but there needs to be SOMETHING special between you, hopefully genuine love. It will be different from any other lover you take—and it should be.
Marriage is about having a meaningful enough relationship with someone that it transcends sex. That is true whether your polyamorous or monogamous, married for 5 years or 50. You should marry your best friend, regardless of how many lovers you take. If she's your best friend, she will care for you just because you're YOU! And you'll care for her because she's HER. That kind of commitment isn't something that will weigh you down, and shouldn't be something you run from. Best of all, it will create a loving environment for your children.
I think your anxiety stems from wanting something you cannot yet attain. You are young and full of life experience, but I think you still need to mature a little more until you can handle the responsibility of an extended and marital-parental relationship. And you need to let go of your rigid expectations. This is an unpredictable world, and you will never get 100% of what you want--probably not even 80%. The secret to being happy is not getting what you want, but wanting what you've got. Humans are all about connections. Were a communal mammals. We are happiest with stable relationships. heart
:nods.: i know i don't mention it, like ever, in my concerns... but i certainly would never neglect to care for and support any family i have, provide for the needs and desires of my chose lifemate... of course i would, you all know it is in my nature. it's just that i want that kind of love in return, and i worry about being able to find it...
i suppose i realy knew everything you said, and just needed to hear it. i'm feeling better now, realy, but i dunno when i'm gonna freak out agian. xp
:hugs.: thankyou Frost, i ask alot of you, for the advice i give, especially as whiny as i am being about it right now.
:sighs.: ... do you realy think there are that many women out there willing to have a committed marriage without requiring exclusivity? sad i keep hearing about it, and meeting people who are lik ethat as well, but... i have only met one who between her and myself there is something... and i feel like i've already screwed that relationship up... sad i'm scared, terrified in fact, of the chance being lost forever with her, and wanna keep all my options open... so, while her and i are currently in a stage of not talking about our relationship standings until after we deal with more tangible personal issues, i am eating myself away inside because i can't stop worrying about it!
It's not you, but I HATE this line: "keep all my options open..."
My dad used to say that all the time when he disapproved of any of my choices. I wanted to write for a living, but I should "keep my options open." I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, but I should "keep my options open." It ate at my willpower, sucked away my confidence, and made me second guess EVERYTHING. I was in a constant holding pattern, exhausted but afraid to land anywhere for fear of closing an option I needed.
Finally, I just said screw that. My options were open enough for my purposes. If I want to write, I'm going to get my BA in Literature. If I need another option, I'll pursue it when I need it. I'm married to the man of my dreams, and I'll open up other options after he dies, which hopefully won't be for another 46 years. I'm going to raise my family the best way I can. And to hell with open options.
I admit that part of this is faith; I believe with all my heart that my God will take care of me and help me make the right decisions. But no matter which way you slice it, I'm not going going to let indecision rule my life.
Ok. Rant over. razz
Anyway, like you said before you're only 20; you have at least 10 years of good young-fathering life ahead of you. You can fall in love, and it can happen quickly. The girl you think you messed up with? Just be a good friend--no pressure, no expectations. If something develops, enjoy it. If not, then you have a good friend. No options lost.
And like I said, I'm always willing to lend an ear. Even if you just want to rant or pour out a sob story. Listening is what I'm good at. ^_^
:nods, and hugs you.: yeh... yeh, yer right. ... :shrugs.: i realy need to find a way to relax about it all, but even focusing on other goals isn't helping. it only adds to my stress, and keeps me worried about my future. xp everything is about my future, i have no present. look at me, i'm 20 years old, still a Dependant, no driver's liscence, no money for college, living in a ghetto.... i'm old enough to have entire groups who want me dead, and yet not financially stable yet to realy be an adult... and i feel completely stuck. iii-_-
wow, it's realy turned around agian... it realy is no wonder i can't stop focusing on my relationship issues, the only other issues i have to worry about are even worse and nothing i can realy do about them!
grr... i'm looking for cheerfulness to talk about...
