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I need help.
Admitting that now and here is not easy but what is even harder is asking for it.
My grandfather said something about me when I was a Really Little Flare (I might have been five) that stuck with me; like the little Aries I was, even then I was very flattered with his personal assessment of my personality.
"That one-" Meaning this one, of course. "That one is too proud for her own good. She would starve to death before asking for food."
He's been mostly right except I grew up to be the kind of woman that when hungry will either A.) get her own damn self, thank you very much for being useless, B.) hint loudly and multiple times nicely that she would like to go out and get something or C.) tell what the requirement currently is and look meaningfully at Nanu. :3
I bet he wishes that last part was a joke.
The point is I am a proud, likely-to-die-from-it kind of independent; the kind of flower that if the sun required being asked to shine would die in the shade, a rather disappointed but still-having-none-of-it dead flower for all the trouble it got me. So coming here and saying it now, and having said it out loud last night to Nanu feels like a kind of death for me...but it is either that or do the next, far worse thing:
Continue to be this...this thing I have become.
Let me start this entry over; I just wanted to preface what is coming ahead with a little bit of history and a little bit of honesty, because what comes next is just as hard to say out loud.
<span id="test31890017">. . .</span><br/><div id="post31890017" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">
"I am not as happy as I used to be."
I said those words last night- out loud in the car after my beloved Count had come to pick me up from work- for the first time.
Well, for the first time out of my head.
Y'see, those words came on like a slow acid- at first it was just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind/heart/soul/RedBull sensor organ/whatever you want to call it that I would notice...and then just as quickly go back to ignoring.
Slowly it came to be something that would not be ignored, like a sore tooth; it hurt but unless I did something to really annoy it all it did was sit there and throb miserably, just another ache in the background of self-inflicted wounds.
Then, being the type of person I am, I actively started to prod the hurt. Why? I guess it boils down to a mixture of sick curiosity ("Just how loud can I make this fracker sing?" wink and a deep need to prove I can take anything thrown at me, even my own bullshit. If anything, I think this last part explains not just this mess but pretty much 99.99999% of What Makes Me All Me And Only Just Me. I came out of the womb with something to prove. And there's nothing like my kind of personality hitting the world that it hit- I had the cards stacked against me from before I was born and you know what? There's a huge part of me that likes it that way.
So to further prove my emotional invincibility I just started to poke at the sore spot over and over and over and over until- you guessed it- the sore spot turned into an open wound and then, because such is life, the open wound got infected.
And long story short, I end up where I am now.
So yesterday while at work and furiously poking and tearing at said spot something broke through the shitstorm that has been raging on and on in my head and very softly repeated something I have heard over and over in a variety of ways but before now, for whatever reason, I just never really listened to.
It does not have to be like this. You don't have to be like this.
Not a new thought. Actually, something I am very aware of. I am a lot of things but I am not one to lay blame on anyone else (even when it is probably deserved, but that is another tale for another day) and I have known for a damn long time who put me into this hole I am in and I am well and fully aware I do not have to be where I am, being the who that I am.
But for once the positive broke through...and really got me to thinking.
So I did what I always do when I can and when something major hits me, something I wish to not lose...I grabbed a pen and started to write.
What I wrote while on my lunch break started with such a simple truth, but one I was going to die with, come hell or high water so help me God because I thought it would be the stronger thing to do.
I wrote "I am not as happy as I used to be...but that is all about to change."
I wrote more but most of it does not go here (most of it goes to at least three other people and is something too private for in here) but what does go here is as follows, edited from the original writing (because with inspiration and a computer or pen and paper I am a real demon- some of you that RP with me or that I PM have gotten a taste of that; my own stuff that I write for me puts all the stuff I have done here to shame).
I am not as happy as I used to be...but that is all about to change.
I love some of you guys very much- some of you are family to me and there are a few that may read this that was like family to me at one time or the other, in a different When, a different reality, a different place then the Here and Now. None of what I am about to write is an attack- personal or otherwise- to anyone about to read what I am about to write. It is simply a way to collect my thoughts, to sum up where my life is right now- not just for anyone reading this but for myself.
One of the reasons for my less then displeased outlook on all things right now is my complete and utter feeling of being lost. Had this disquieting (and deeply disheartening) feeling for a long, long while now but never knew what to do with it. What the hell can one do when one is lost? Shout? Wander in circles? Send up signals? Hope that someone will care enough to search for you- or hope that they are lucky enough to find you? Pray for a miracle; maybe that you will stumble upon someone that can help? Sit your a** down and keep your spirits up?
Some of those ways and actions would help certain kinds of lost...but not mine. In a way I did all those things (oh, if I had a dime for every time I sent a signal out...but a signal unseen, unheeded, or ignored is just as bad if not worse then a signal that was never sent at all) and all it did was make matters worse. I am not good with certain kinds of communication anyway and certain topics make it damn near impossible for me to even attempt communicating about.
My grandfather was right in that way- if I need something, if I am hurting for something, I will go without before I ask.
And as he no doubt knew, I paid for it.
I have paid dearly.
Now that truth I could live with- have been living with, mind you. What I could not live with was what I realized in the midst of all this crap going on in my head.
Allow me a moment to (seemingly) meander off the current topic- my madness- and onto a subject rather near and dear to me.
I met someone on here years and years back. His avatar was cute- I hardly ever see the hair he had on at that time anymore and when I do happen to stumble upon it I can not help but smile, thinking of that time- and he was new to the site as well. I dare say our paths crossed in a bumping thread (damnit, do not judge me- I was very, very new and at that time the bumping contests were so damn fun because if you were the first poster on a certain page you got X amount of gold and all that jazz- and to further make myself sound old, back in those days gold was hard to effing get and every little bit was nice) and we got to talking about what our favorite anime was...and talking about what our usernames meant...("He who never gets the girl" rofl heart Hey, Tall One- you got her! Not the one you were talking about at the time, I know, but forgive me for being happy about that, 'kay? twisted heart ) All kinds of things. We swapped AIM account names and before I knew it we were talking all the time on AIM.
We got more and more enmeshed online on Gaia, mainly through my voracious need for writing, and on AIM- and then it was decided that for my birthday weekend that year he would come up to my state and spend some time with me and my group, because at that time there still was a group.
I fell. I knew I was in trouble before I saw him in "real life" (whatever the hell that thing is- sounds scary as all hell) but I will never, ever, ever in a million and one infinite lifetimes forget how I felt when he walked into the bus station.
No one that knows me well will believe this (because I never believed in it until him and it is so completely out of character for me to admit this, let alone be feeling it) but I fell head over heels for him the moment that my eyes landed on him. I used to think to myself (and I believe we joked about this but honestly, I have so many conversations in my head with people that I can not half the time remember what I really talked about with who FOR REAL that we may never have joked about this) that the man who came into the bus station that day might not have really been the Asai Kaiyosho that I was supposed to be meeting from Gaia (hell, for all I know he really isn't ninja ) but some random sicko that killed my Asai and stole his identity.
Well, whatever. I am keeping this one, so...
No take-backs. 3nodding heart
I have also thought that if Asai Kaiyosho had stepped off the bus and walked into the station in front of this man, I would have knocked him over and climbed over him to get to the one in the red t-shirt that said "Lead me not into temptation..."
I was just kinda sorta knocked over by this tall, lovely thing that had somehow washed up onto my shore.
I am not saying the road to here has been easy- no, it has not, not for either of us- and I am not saying that ten years from now he will want to even look at me anymore, let alone look at me how he does now, and for all I know I will come to tears over ever having allowed myself to fall...
But risk versus reward, right? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You reach for the moon sometimes you are going to fall right on your face. I knew from the get-go with him that things were not to be easy- and hardly on this venture have I been proven wrong- but worth it?
If you could see me now and see this huge, sloppy, silly love-struck grin on my face that would be answer enough- but since you can't, suffice it to say that yeah- things were bad at times (and not just "meh" bad but "WHYAMIDOINGTHISTOEITHEROFUS?!" horrible) but if you want to enjoy the rose you must also expect the thorns. If I can not stick by his side when things are bad then I do not deserve him when things are good.
So, yeah- it has been worth it. For me, anyway. For him, I honestly can not say; I am not a mind-reader so I can not say for sure, all I know is what he tells me, in words and deeds, and the man has stuck around and stuck with me when I did not want to be around me.
Which brings me full-circle and back to the original topic at hand: just how little I have wanted to be around me lately and for a damned long time before now.
Putting it into the most simple basic truth, I have not been taking very good care of myself.
I don't eat well or often. I have had days where I have done nothing but eat maybe five bowls of cereal as actual food and the rest of the day chugging down caffeine like it's going out of style tomorrow. I sleep like the dead but I don't sleep well, or I sleep for as long as possible but still wake up exhausted; nothing about me is healthy. I am shocked my aura doesn't make people sick (my boss claims it does, but she's as crazy as I am so I tend to dismiss her claims as I do my own); between my habitual and cringe-inducing usage of caffeine as well as the plethora of things I have done to damage myself AND my relationships...
Let's just keep it simple by saying I have realized I am not doing myself or anyone that has to deal with me any favors by doing as I have been doing. And considering that I am not getting any younger or healthier (especially if I keep doing what I am doing to myself) I better, to put it into the most quaintest of terms, get my s**t in one bucket.
Part of doing that is figuring out what that means exactly- for me and for others. I can make a list that would shame the devil- like all the things I want to do, get done, accomplish when and what I will need and all manner of interesting things (I think I was Peter Mark Roget in a past life and one of my favorite people in the entire wide world voiced that sentiment before I could, so therefore I double believe it) but I need to keep things as simple as possible and I need to start doing said things as soon as possible.
Among the things on that list is getting my apartment back in order- from tossing stuff out and neatly dealing with what I keep, this is a project as old as my having the apartment; taking better care of myself and all that doing so entails- we are talking about a major reformation on all my daily toxic habits, from how I sleep to what I eat; stop letting work stress me out so damned much and go back to having fun with it (seriously- I used to love my job so much and now I want a divorce and out of spite I want alimony, just because I want to hurt it that much); start being something that resembles "social" again because my two best friends in the world after my boyfriend get s**t from me these days.
That last part I am hoping will be easier when I start getting myself back in order. I am a stressed-out introvert but I miss certain things (like our story gonk ) and really do NOT want anyone taking my own weakness of character personally. On the same level, though, is the fact that right now pushing myself to be social is not doing any of us any favors; when I am already mentally and emotionally exhausted pushing myself to slap a smile on and put on the same song and dance when I could be doing something to give myself the actual energy to be that happy...
I do such bad things for what are, at heart, good reasons. It's no wonder I took to Zuko in the Avatar series so damned much. I am really bad at being good.
So I think that is about it, for now anyway; I am currently working on some very important PMs to get out to three of you (two of you which may read this before you get it, the third will probably never read even the PM- "You know I don't like to read, Tasha." -.-) as well as the other PMs I owe. I am also a little behind on things on here but not as bad as I used to be, so while it bothers me I am not all caught up I also recognize the fact I am a hell of a lot closer to being caught up then I was a month ago.
Here's the part I warned about earlier when I said I did not want anyone to take anything personal that I had to say; this needs to be put out here and it is not just here I am putting it, to those that deal with me on a face-to-face level I have been saying this also because it is important to let people know:
I am going through some changes, have been for a long while now but recently a whole lotta stuff just came crashing down on me and I gritted my teeth and I bared what I could though I did not always do it gracefully. Some of it showed and still shows on Gaia: I am not online as much as I would like to be and there's so much to do when I can be on that I often take days to reply to comments or PMs or threads that once upon a time it would not have taken more then a couple of minutes to get done with. Why? Because in a lot of ways I am an emotional dead battery. I tried to be On for everyone all the time and always and what I learned the hard way is that when you are wired a certain way and others are wired a different way, unless you tell them and really set some boundaries and set them down hard you will eventually get to a point where I have been for some time now: the battery is dead but you still feel the need to masochistically continue on, for reasons that will eventually just make you more tired and angry.
I knew the battery was running down but I continued to let people do and keep doing and keep doing the very things that ran that battery down faster and faster. I think back now on a great many different things and I wonder and have wondered for years if things could have been differently had I only tried to get people to understand what they were doing that made me not want to be around them anymore...and then and only then had they continued to do it I could have walked away. Instead I put up with as much as I could put up with before starting to slam doors shut...which is what I came seriously close to doing recently but a change of heart has persuaded me to try it differently this time around.
I have issues with putting down and keeping boundaries. I think it is like any muscle and with exercise it gets stronger- as it has the more I have learned to just say no to things when I am not in the mood and saying I need time to myself when I need time- but especially with people like me it really needs to be exercised. I hate letting people down so I thought the best thing to do was to keep putting up with behavior that was shitty (putting it nicely) because that is what a good person would do.
Wrong.
A good person does all they can for another person as long as the other person actually needs what they are doing versus using them. I have lost time, money, chances, and all manner of emotional resources that I will never have again trying to be as good to people as possible that really did not deserve it...and then, when I had people that did- guess what? Battery was dead...and all because I wasted so much of the good parts of me trying to be a good person.
I still want to be a good person. And I will be a good person- up until, and then I will do just as I have done before though I know it is hard to do. I will walk away from anyone that from now on just can not get it through their head that I am not here to just take care of them and their needs and who expects me to drop everything and everyone else in my life just for them. There's only one person in my life that can come close to making the case that I should do this for him but as he has said on multiple accounts, not even he has the right to do that unless there is a damn good reason and vice versa. It is just not fair- and though for some reason I attract lonely hearts and tons of Lost Children, this Mother Wendy has grown tired of Peter and Petra Pans. She wanted to get swept away by a pirate and has, she thinks; on other days she will gladly be the one to steal him away, just as a way to return the favor, but the days of babying other people's children just because I want to be a good welcome mat person is over. In one way I am way too old for this, and so are the people I am thinking of, but in another way I am too young for this- I do not want to be a mother...so why I keep surrounding myself with people who act like children is beyond me. I know that sounds harsh but the truth is not always pretty and my patience has just about been used up. The Rule of Thumper is something I can only hold onto so well; after that I have to physically remove myself and that is exactly what I have been doing. It really is not others that are at fault for how I feel or how I react to certain things; thus why I have been more to myself for a long, long while. I know I am out of bounds with how I am feeling- therefore, I am trying to keep the crazy to myself.
My only real complaint at this point is how hard it is to tell the difference between someone that genuinely needs help and a bang-up faker. That is not being helped since at this late stage in the game I tend to think that everyone is proven guilty until proven innocent. My first thoughts are hardly ever kind- which is a shame because a few years ago I was not like this.
But again, that is another tale for another day.
I have always wanted to help people but wanting to do that means knowing who really needs help and who is just taking advantage- a hard lesson to learn, especially when you only want to help and already have enough guilt to power worlds upon worlds with its force.
But there is at least one person who I know genuinely needs help and is not just putting on an act to get something or as a means to some end. There is at least one person whose motives are as pure as they can be even though this person is doing all manner of crap that might make one think otherwise. This person is a lioness with a thorn in her paw; proud and haughty and willing to limp instead of ask for help...I am tired of seeing her limp and take swipes at the people she loves the most, hoping someone will get the hint and actually care enough to ask what is wrong, why is she acting this way and roaring the face off everyone that moves?
The lioness is me; I've bapped her on the nose and I am making her sit the hell down, shut the ******** up and going to make sure that the thorn gets removed, the wound gets bandaged and healed and then I am going to make sure she gets right back out there and tries her best to make amends to all those she swiped at, tore into, and chewed on just because she did not want to seem weak by asking for help.
Don't tell her but I think she might be realizing what a fool she has been- to want to be strong and to not know that sometimes being strong means knowing when to reach out and ask for help. And to accept it.
But don't worry. After her ego heals up from that thorn and after we get that paw cleaned up and wrapped up I think she will be back to being her old good self again. It may take time but if that is what it takes, that is what it takes.
After a little TLC, which even lionesses need sometimes, I think that the sun will come out again. It's already peeked- which was nice- and I got to see just a little bit of what is around the next bend of the path I am on- which is even nicer.
Maybe the thorn is life's way of making me slow down and pay attention to how lovely things really are? Who really knows?
All I know is that I have a lot to do...and for once in a very long while I feel good about the journey once more; what a relief, considering there is still so much good things to enjoy.
And so much fun to still be had. :3 Do I intend to completely stomp out my caffeine usage? No. But I do intend to cut back. And put myself on a healthy diet (real food like carrots and cheese and not Honeycombs and nemernems!); vitamins and such. Sleep as needed but not ten hours (or more) at a time. Work on actually cutting my stress down, which means getting away from the things that stress me as much as possible; start writing again.
The feeling I got from doing just this much- gonk
I still want a time machine, though. ninja </div>
 RadiantFlare · Sat Jul 17, 2010 @ 03:24am · 4 Comments |
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