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So please accept my apology. |
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I just listened to a song that gave me chills.
As some might have noticed (and those of you that have been around me physically have no doubt picked up on), I love music. Just about all music, too- though there are two kinds that I just have never been able to find anything that does it for me (hardcore rap and bluegrass, respectively) I can cite at least one song from every genre that has knocked me out in one way or the other. And hardly is there a band or artist that has not been able to produce SOMETHING- even if it is just one song- that I love. That's how much I love music- I could care less about the language or genre, the label or even the artist in some cases (if I was going to let my personal opinions about artists sway me from their work...) I just can not get enough of certain songs; for me, hearing just the right thing at just the right time can be the one thing that can pull me up and out from whatever hole I have managed to work myself into. The right song can be life-saving; I think anyone who loves music like I do can understand what I am saying- sometimes just hearing someone else vocalize an emotion or feeling that one can not find the right words for themselves can work miracles.
And sometimes, just sometimes, you hear a song that does just that- and on top of that wonder, it does something else that is just as lovely, and just as uplifting.
It can perfectly capture exactly where you are- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever- in vivid perfection. I could not ask for a better song to sum up where I am right now in my life then the one I just heard. I can not think of one better song to let people hear or read the lyrics to that would better define where I am at this point in my life.
It literally took a weight off my shoulders to hear it. I had never heard it before and was writing this entry when it came on; I scrapped what I had and started over because the song fit so damn well with what I was trying to say and it also helped me to form some other sentiments that I was trying to conceptualize as well, but was having no luck- not until I heard this song.
The main point I was going to try to stress is that I am sorry, sorry for all the people I made wait on one thing or the other; be it a reply, a trade, a PM, a post or something else that someone was counting on from me, I am sorry. I know I have worn the word out; coming from me most people probably have gotten so tired of reading or hearing it that they figure I do not mean it. I have asked for that, I guess.
While I am very sorry, I also have come to realize that there comes a point where if you are really sorry you will stop a behavior, no matter what the hell it is; if it is hurting someone you care about, or hurting you or your integrity, you will stop it eventually if you really care. That is what the meat and bones of this entry means- I realize if I want people to know I am sorry about something I will do my best to do better- let my actions speak for me, as it were.
Does that mean that I will be online all day, every day- no matter what's going on or how tired I am or how many hours of work that I have? No, my being sorry does not mean that. Does it mean that I will be able to reply or post back as fast as lightening? No, I am sorry to say that it does not mean that, either. Though I would love to be able to be on as much as I used to be (I used to not have work or any other obligations other then a Marvel session when the mood hit the group- imagine the freedom!) and though I would sincerely love to be able to respond as soon as some people post or PM me (I used to have over thirty RPs going through PM alone, plus ten guild RPs and a Barton RP that I made and watched over- believe it or not! xD), those days that I have nothing but time for Gaia are well behind me.
I have a lot going on offline. I try to not merge Off-Gaia with On-Gaia (they mean it when they say to not cross the beams) anymore then I have to because so far mixing the two has only paid off in one area- and yeah, I am talking to you, Tall One. I met the man I am dating on here; the boyfriend unit and I met on here talking about our favorite anime series when I had been on Gaia for...about a month or so? He is one of the reasons I love Gaia so much; oddly enough I joined here because of the other great passion in my life, the first real true love I had. So to date my mixing my two completely different realities has only worked out well in that one regard (one day I think I shall make an honest man out of him and upgrade him to the husband model) while allowing me to do the one thing that makes me well and truly happy and healthy and sane.
I love to write.
Now what does that have to do with my not being online and available more?
Well.
Only everything.
Remember that I mentioned I have a lot going on offline? Well, I do. Among the things I am willing to talk about is a host of other things I am not. I have a very busy work schedule; though I love my job it cuts deeply into my time in ways I never would have imagined a job ever would. It also drains me on levels that I had promised myself I would never let anything drain me again- anyone who has read my past entries or talked to me on the rare times I am willing to talk about myself would have gleaned that I am a person of few social needs and went through a period of shedding some rather...unwanted baggage from my life.
Putting it very, very mildly- I am a person that needs little to no attention from people. I refuse to do instant messengers anymore for the same reason why I would have quit Gaia a long while back had it not been for the handful of decent people on here as well as the fact that my desire to write outweighs the trouble with people. I tend to attract a certain kind of person- which I will readily admit is my own damn fault because I spent years being a welcome mat for everyone I physically met and when I got online I continued the exact same self-destructive habits. I never lacked for anyone to talk to me...what I lacked is the reason I am where I am now.
It is a good thing I was born self-reliant. I am coming out the end of a rather long, dark tunnel that looking back I see had I been any weaker, I would have been broken long before I ever started to see any light, let alone make it to where I am now. And I would like to say that my journey could have been...made easier had there been anyone to help me but that would be a lie. One, there has to be belief that someone can help; two, there has to be someone willing to help. Neither of those things existed- which might sound like I am pointing the blame but I really am not. I had to walk the path that I did and I had to do it alone. Yes, there was a lot of resentment at certain parts of the path (To further the metaphor- imagine that everyone has shoes but you on this path...and there comes a part of the path that is broken glass as far as the eye can see. There's no way to get off the path- there's nothing but raging fire at the sides so there is no way to go but forward- and everyone else has gotten their shoes dishonestly or in ways that make you feel like they do not deserve their shoes. The only way to go is forward; there is no more back and there is no deviating off the path- it's go forward despite the pain and the agony while others around you prance and skip ahead, actually daring to b***h about how slow you are or wonder why you aren't helping them by carrying their load. Does that sound bitter? Yes. And it is, and it was. A better person would have been glad that they were the only one that had no shoes...but I am not that "better" person, I am not Mother Theresa- I am someone that tried so hard to not be so damnably aware of how bad their feet was hurting.); oh, when I think of how much anger and resentment I have felt over the dumbest things I am so ashamed of myself that I am and have been tempted to act as if I never had those lowly feelings.
But I am human. And I am self-aware enough to know that ignoring something or pretending something does not exist does not just make it not be; especially when it comes to myself I am aware of every little thing that is wrong, askew, or could deal with some betterment. I can not speak for others but I know that my life is a learning experience, that I am working towards some higher goal; I came down here to learn and work through things and have experiences- along the way I have had hope that my life could be of use to others, that maybe I could get to a point in my life that I could help others. Maybe- if I do nothing else- just maybe I can help someone as they walk on broken glass. Or at least not be the person that adds to the burden.
So while I have been dealing with work and other sundry things I have been neglecting Gaia. Not just Gaia, but to make this entry as short as possible we shall just consider Gaia at the moment; moreover, to simplify it even more we can just say that I neglected All Things That Makes Flare- well, Flare.
I mentioned that I love to write (and have only been mentioning that since I joined); guess what was the first thing to go as I dealt with everything?
If you guessed my writing then you get a cookie. <3
Everything I read during my little dark-time repeated over and over and over and over that in order to take care of oneself, one needs to take time for themselves and do the things that make them feel good. One thing I can say now is that I suffered through some terrible burnout; saying that I had emotional fatigue would be like saying that a third degree burn kinda stings. During the worst of it I still had to work (and my job is very people-oriented- even to the extroverts that I know my job can be hell on one's nerves), I still had to keep up all my personal and professional relationships, I still had to do my little song and dance and be strong for everyone because letting others down was not an option. It never has been, which is partially what bound me in this relentless Catch-22: I could not let other people down but to take care of myself and my needs I had to let people down.
Do you see the vicious cycle?
I am glad that you do because it took me years. Years. Years I will never get back, chances and things have slipped through my fingers because of the ugly loop I had gotten myself into- and for what? To try to keep everyone else happy- that which is in and of itself not only impossible but (wait for it, people, because here is where I show just how much I have actually manage to emotionally mature) is not my job.
I read something a while back that really kicked me in the head and if I can remember what book it is you can bet a thousand dollars I will buy the book; it stated simply that it is no one's job to make all the people in their life happy, that to try to do so is just one huge, foolish assumption. I can not read minds or tell the future, so how can I for sure state that I even know what will make someone happy? Since I can not read other people's minds I may not even be doing what would really make them happy anyway; for the most part I attract the type of person that does not have any real clue as to what would make them happy, so how the hell could I assume that I could be the End All-Be All to what they needed?
When I had processed that I had another freeing realization: I do not go to bed at night thinking that if so and so had done this how much better my life would be- when I laid down it was all about how my actions were effecting me and mine; so it stood to reason that if I was thinking this way then maybe I really was not the entire source of all the bad that was around me. I did not think that it was anyone else's job but my own to take care of me- so maybe, just maybe I was reading too much into my importance to other people.
Maybe it really was not me and what I decided to do that was at the hinge of everyone's happiness; maybe some people just want to be down- if there's one thing I have found out about human behavior is that some people might wallow around and sulk about how their lives are but when faced with the opportunity to change things they will not take it. Be it laziness or because being miserable fulfills some deep need that they have, some people just find it easier to point fingers and blame what is wrong with them and their lives on other people or events that they see as being aimed solely at them. And if that seems mean to some people, I am sorry; I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings or downplay anyone's misery. I just find being accountable for one's actions to be something downright rare and awesome; there's something defeating about putting the blame outside of one's self. Where's the power in blaming mommy and daddy? Where's the pride in blaming one's childhood for not being a good person today?
And that thought brought on an emotional avalanche of epiphanies...and long story short, I am here now, writing this entry.
I wish I had been more graceful during some of the events in my past; there were times I was well and truly hideously ugly to the people I care for the most. I was not there for the people I care about the most when they needed me; I am ashamed to say that it was because I was nursing too many wounds of my own to be of any real use. Still, that does not excuse me from the things I did and did not do. I tend to try to live up to my idea of a good person- in my head I have an idea of what a Good Person would do and that person is something I can always strive for but I doubt anyone alive could ever be all the time. I am going to have days when I am too tired to play, too irritated to be bothered, too full of myself to be of any real help. All of this pertains to Gaia because while I want to be All Things To All People, I am still in the end just me; there has been a lot of evidence in the past that that will not do or be enough for some people and that used to bother me.
A lot of things used to bother me. It used to bother me that I was not further along on my path then where I am at the moment. I was supposed to be published by now and be able to work exclusively on my books without having to have a job like I have to have now. It also used to bother me that I have failed severely as Supergirl; I had it in my head that if someone needed help then it was my job to save them, save the day, save the world...if it looked bruised it was my job to bandage it, if someone needed someone to listen to them it was my job to do the listening.
There are some problems with that kind of thinking, though. Aesop said it best: "Those who cry the loudest are not always the ones who are hurt the most."
Amen to that.
So while I wish I had been better- and while it still kinda bothers me that I can not do more then is humanly possible- I have come to a rather delightful part of my personal journey, and that part is simply that I have come out the other end of burnout with some rather pleasant side-effects.
There are still some things that bother me...but there are tons of other things that simply do not register at all with me anymore. I could say it crudely- that I no longer give a big, fat, flying eff anymore about certain things- but I feel it can be summed up by simply saying this-
I am back. I am writing again (as this rather lengthy monster is proof of) and I am here to say that if you have a passion, a desire, a truth that makes you feel alive and good and whole and balanced- if you are lucky enough to know what that is or even luckier still in having been born with that hunger already activated- and there are people around you that would deny you that dream...
Hurt their feelings.
Why? Because if they well and truly love you and want the best for you then they will want you to have that passion, they will not try to deny you the joy that such a thing can bring; if they try to bring you down and take that away from you then rest assured you will not really be hurting their feelings- you will only be hurting your own. It is not stingy or selfish to take care of yourself- in fact, it is vital. There's not a damn thing wrong with being an introvert and were it not for my being madly in love with a certain Strawberry, I would ask this person to marry me.
Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for putting yourself first instead of their needs is either using you, only cares about themselves, or they are not evolved enough emotionally to do anything but be completely self-absorbed. They may care for you but in the end there's only one person that can and should be responsible for your health and well-being, and if you need to see that person I suggest you find a mirror and take a good long look at the only person you can ever really depend on. That person is the only person whose job is there to take care of you- to make sure you get what you need, when you need it- that is the person who is responsible for you and you only; that is the person whose vital mission in life is to take care of you and know what it is that you need when you are feeling bad. It's no one else's job, not really; I love my Count but at the end of the day the only person that can know what he really needs is himself. At the end of the day I am the only person to blame if I go to bed unhappy.
You have to take care of yourself. Only when your own needs are met can you even begin to think about being a good person for others. It took me this long to finally learn that. I used to think it was selfish if I took care of myself; now I realize that if I do not care for myself first I have nothing good left over for the people I love.
The life you save may be your own.
<span id="test31789323">. . .</span><br/><div id="post31789323" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">
The song is "Talkin' 2 Myself" by Eminem; I adapted the lyrics that meant so much to me below- but for those of you that do not like the eff bomb, I have to warn you that there are a few in this song; I know some people do not like Eminem for whatever reasons and that is fine. Personally some of his songs have been more help to me then I can begin to say because if you cut out some of the uglier stuff and get to the bare essentials of what he is trying to say I feel that there are few artists or songs that have better summed up how I felt or what I was going through then he has. Some of my worst moods and thoughts have been put into perfect words by some of his lyrics- and what else is art for but to connect us and remind us that even if we feel alone there are others that feel the same? I love music so much for that very reason- if I can feel understood then the pain ebbs away. Hearing someone else put into words exactly how I have been feeling but have not had the right words for are such a great comfort to me. Music can heal so much with just one song.
Bear in mind what I said about how this song effected me- in a good way it chilled me right to the bone because it uncannily mirrors what I have been thinking and going through...and where I am right now.
Before I start this song
I just want to thank everybody for being so patient
and baring with me over these last couple of years
while I figure this s**t out.
Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talking to myself.
No one seems to know my struggle
and everything I come from.
Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talking to myself.
It feels like I'm going insane.
Am I the one who's crazy?
So why in the world do I feel so alone?
Nobody but me, I'm on my own.
Is there anyone out there
who feels the way I feel?
That there is then let me in and let me know I'm not the only one.
I went away, I guess to open up some lanes.
But there was no one who even knew that I was going through growing pains.
Hatred was flowing through my veins;
on the verge of going insane.
I felt horrible about myself.
God, it feels like I'm going psychotic.
Thank God that I didn't do it.
I would of had my a** handed to me.
And I knew it but Proof wasn't here to see me through it.
I'm in the booth, trying to talk myself into it.
"Are you stupid? You going to start dissing people for no reason?
Especially when you can't even write a decent punchline, even!
You're lying to yourself, you're slowly dying, you're denying
your health is declining with your self-esteem, you're crying out for help!"
"You're no longer the man." That's a bit of a pill to swallow.
All I know is I'm wallowing in self-loathing and hollow.
Maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow.
But I must be talking to the wall, though.
I don't see nobody else (I guess I keep talking to myself).
I've turned into a hater, I've put up a false bravado.
But I am not a egomaniac, that's not my motto.
I'm not a desperado, I'm desperate- it's starting to bottle inside...
One foot on the brake, one on the throttle.
"But instead of feeling sorry for yourself do something about it!
Admit you got a problem; your brain is clouded, you pouted long enough.
It isn't them, it's you, you ******** baby!
Quit worrying about what they do."
I'm ******** going crazy.
So I pick up myself off the ground and ******** slam before I drown.
Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice; suffice this time around
I've come up to make it up to you, no more ******** around.
I've got something to prove to people, I feel like I let 'em down.
So please accept my apology I finally feel like I'm back to normal.
Let me formally reintroduce myself to you for those of you who don't know.
The new me is back to the old me and I don't show no
signs of slowing up, pulling up, blowing up; all over- no more.
My life is no longer a movie but the show is not over!
I'm back with a vengeance.
So there it is.
Damn, it feels like I just woke up or something.
Guess I just...forgot who I was.
If there was anyone I thought about going at, it was nothing personal, just some s**t I was going through.
To everyone else- I'm back! </div>
 RadiantFlare · Tue Jun 29, 2010 @ 09:24pm · 1 Comments |
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