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I watched a bunch of Law and Order this week, due to my computer being a pig and schedule disruption. It occurs to me that the ordinary reasons for crime are as alien or maybe more alien to me than to unusual extreme ones. the usual things like money, power, and sexual jealousy don't motivate me, so the idea of actually killing people for them strike me as entirely alien. it's much easier to grasp in imagination the twisting of desire out of true, anger, frustration, or even psychosis than it is for me to grasp greed. I've learned over the years to keep an eye out for signs of jealousy and the like, to allow for them in planning and calculation, but it's merely an intellectual grasp. It's not that I lack desire for sex or for certain things that please me, it's just that the ephemeral nature of all experience, relationships, objects has been coded deep into my character since I was quite small. I have never expected anything to last, so I enjoy what I have while I have it, then let it go when it's gone. I honestly don't think I'm missing anything; the emotions I lack look unpleasant and lead to scenes I wouldn't enjoy. I have always felt that the knowledge of endings adds a poignant savour to things I experience. still, I puzzle at the strangeness of fellow humans sometimes.