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-----8:08am-----
I'm sitting here.

Bored.

Waiting for someone. Onii-san to be exact, today is Friday and he said today we could chat. Of course, no time to expect him was given, so I'll have to just sit online and wait till he gets on. Or else it will most likely be a case of, "Well, you weren't online, so I left." stare Something I most definatly do not want to hear.

8 ******** o'clock in the morning and I'm sitting here like a b***h waiting for.... stressed ******** it. I won't say anything else.

I'm off to Ragnarok. stare

-----8:41am-----
Its still the same day. But I'm sick of making multiple posts for one day. stare

So I'll just sum it all up at the diffrent time intervals. stare Whatever....

I'm bored with Gaia, as well as Ragnarok. I guess it all sums up to the fact I'm sick of playing games. I need a break. But doing what? There is nothing else for me to do.

My mom went to McDonalds on Wednesday and a girl who goes to my school was working at the drive through window. I don't know her, but she was really nice to me. She gave me an application to work there and her enthusiuism(sp?) on the issue tells me I have the job if I just fill out the application. I hate fast food, its make with ill regard to the person who will be eating it and all those hands touching your food before it finally gets to you is not a comforting thought. Though I have been looking for a reason not to be tempted by those tastey french fries McDonalds serves so maybe I will take up the job offer. 3nodding It will also give me something to do besides play stupid games like Gaia and Ragnarok. Its right by my school as well, in the end its a win-win situation for me, I will be filling out the application as soon as I find it. sweatdrop

I have a feeling Onii-san won't be on until later today and I feel like a fool for still being here. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. sad I invest way yo much of my time, efforts, thoughts, and caring into him...I want to cry so much right now for being so stupid... cry The bad part about it, is that I don't want to stop. I don't know whats wrong with me...

-----11:03am-----
I've been trying to keep myself busy, but I'm bored again.

I finally managed to get myself something to eat, 2 bannana's and a bowl of Captain Crunch.

My mom keeps yelling at me and my sibs keep complaining that I am online to much, especially today. First time in a long while I went online as soon as I woke up; I think its the first time ever, honestly. 3nodding I'm not mad anymore, which is always good.

But I feel lonely...god I feel so lonely and unwanted now. Everyone I know just wants to talk to me about their problems and have me say how sad that is and how I wish I could help. I'm still waiting for Onii-san, this is so stupid and I'm going to beat myself up about this later.

I'm slowly, but surely, comming to the realization he doesn't really want to talk to me. And that hurts like hell, I mean...I don't want it to be true but actions speak louder than his (once) comforting words. I wonder if he just talks to me because he'll feel bad if he just goes away, or if he said he loved me too just so I wouldn't cry or something; he seems like the sort of person who would do that. He seems like the kind of person that doesn't want anyone hurt and I die inside everytime I think of that. I don't want to be treated like that...if he doesn't like me then he needs to go away; I'm just being hurt more by playing this ridiculous game.

Everyone I want to talk to is always to busy to talk to me, nowadays...

Kevin is always AFK or playing Ragnarok like some addicted fanboy. We never talk and whenever I get upset about that he sends me on a guilt trip (which I notice is a common trait of males to do to their females). He's about to start his new job and I see now we will never get to talk to eachother anymore. He's scared to talk to me infront of people and stupid stuff like that. This is ridiculous.

I invest to much of my time into people. I need to stop caring. The only person that gives me the slightest clue that they do care about my existance is Shadow(a.k.a. Chris) who I play Ragnarok with. Well, used to play Ragnarok with~he can't seem to get his RO to work right. We chat all the time, we both have no life and its nice to talk to someone who makes you feel like they just care. No one seems to. I don't trust my friends offnet to do that because they're nothing but a bunch of immature, whining boys. So I find some nice people online to talk with and...well, none of them give a ******** about me.

And its killing me inside. I actually feel like I'm ******** dieing a thousand aganizing(sp?) deaths. I just want to waste away till there is no more of me to hurt...

::sigh:: I think I will give up on waiting....

-----11:20am-----
Onii-san is online now, but honestly I don't think I want to talk to him anymore...I'm bubbling over with depression now.

I was looking forward to this all week, all my friends laughed at me and said I was being stupid~so I guess its good I don't care about what they say~but I just laughed it off because today was suppose to be a good day, yet I feel so bad...

I'll probably cry if I don't talk to him today, but my heart feels so weighted...I'll critize myself if I don't...but wow...I'm really crying now and I don't know what to say to him. I feel so sick to my stomach... cry

-----3:28pm-----
Yea, I won't try anymore. My mind is made up 3nodding It's like what Shadow said yesterday, if someone is trying to see you then why try and see them?

I'm not saying this 'cause Onii-san left for work, I'm just well...Shadow's right. I try to much with people, I put to much feeling into things. I gotta wake up. This isn't healthy for me. You can't love someone like this who doesn't feel even remotely the same for you.

But I am proud of myself, I finally told Onii-san how I really felt. So thats a load off my chest, and though I feel kind of better....rejection still hurts like hell. I feel like my heart just broke into thousands of tiny peices. I mean, he didn't say 'No' exactly, but I take silence in such a situation as a no responce. I'm not mad whee I'm not happy either though. Sorta nuetral leaning towards sad. sweatdrop More like depressed.

Onii-san has changed much. I guess its like with Greg, I don't really like the person they have become...but oh well. ::shurgs:: Aint my problem. They're both older than me, sweatdrop older guys aren't any good and neither are younger or hell... stressed even guys my age.

I dunno, I feel weird. Maybe its 'cause I didn't shower today xd I dunno. I have a new plan for myself now though.

No more being hung up over Onii, no more being sad because I can't talk to him like I want to, no more crying because I can't be near him, no more Onii day dreaming, nodda~! 3nodding These words I don't think I ever imagined falling from my mouth, sweatdrop yet here they are, plain as day. I'ma stick to this plan too. I mean...it was fun while it lasted, what teen girl doesnt like being hung up over a guy she adores xd But its time for me to grow up.

Maybe its just how I am feeling now, but I don't think I want to talk to Onii anymore ever again in my life. Eh, tear just fell from my right eye and fell on my arm. Teh~weird. I think I'm hurt more than I thought I was. I think I'm gunna bawl~I'll cry it up in the shower.

Bye.

-----6:55pm-----
I take back what I said earlier. I thrive off the love Onii-san gives me and even if I don't get it often, even though it seems like the majority of his messages lost the feeling they once had...I dunno, something about him makes me not want to go away. So I sent him a message, saying sorry for everything, I hope this makes it all better. sad

I have to check back on RO. I need to tank someone a bit.

Hey Kevin, if you read this don't worry. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon so calm your worried a** down, wink alright?

And Shadow whee keep staying the best, even when I feel like the world hates me its nice to know your around to make me feel like I actually matter, I love ya kid, thanks for being my best friend. 3nodding I don't know what I would do without ya.

I will nap if the kid I need to tank isn't on. I feel much better than earlier. whee