So today I woke up at my friends house nice and early to make sure I'm home to give my girlfriend some attention. Well shes up of course, and...nothing is different. It's still the exact same. She claims she loves me but hates our relationship. It kind of makes sense but not really. She promised not to leave me because she hates our relationship, which to me seems like I'm trapping her. I kind of feel terrible for that, almost like I'm just the worst boyfriend in the world. I'm willing to bet that if I asked her "what do you like about me?" the only thing she will say is I'm "cute" and I have nice eyes...Porbably nothing else..or she might even say she does not know. Does that not tell you something in a relationship when the other person can only point out about three good things about you...She probably won't dump me that is true I believe that, but I have a feeling it will get to the point where we only get to talk for like 5 minutes a day then she will stop or be busy with someone else or something else. I'm very scared of that happening. I don't want it to. Even though I know she doesn't realise it...I love her with all my heart and she thinks I've changed...she say i never flirt anymore etc...but funny thing is..the past little while I have been doing the exact same things i used to do to her when we first started dating...and she still feels the same way. Now it's either shes not allowing me to do this to her...or she just doesn't think of me as boyfriend material anymore so she doesn't notice these things. So i definatly know that when I was told it would make a differance...it didn't. It's not that I changed...It's the fact that she is completly bored of me...and we all know what happens when it gets to that stage...Thats exactly why I'm scared. But i trust her a lot...and well she said she won't break up with me...and she won't. I kind of told her in other words that she is allowed to do as she likes without any consequences meaning...I won't hate her or make a huge deal if she breaks up with me, because fact is...She deserves better and I am a s**t boyfriend. I don't know what I would do with myself if she does leave me..but I have some or..one or two ideas of what I can do if it comes to that point. My grandpa also got into an accident last night and he is not doing so well, and my mom is rather devistated right now about that so it causes a fair bit of stress. I'm breaking down right now and my life is honestly coming to an emotional end...I find it hard to feel anything other than pain. The only reason I have not committed suicide yet is because of my girlfriend. I wonder how much longer I can last with that sweet and wonderful girl.
End of entry #6 - Part 2
Luke. J. Hollis.
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