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This particular collection of thought stems from two particular places. As I was amidst typing a horror story a song from "Wicked" called "For Good" came up on my iPod. I didn't really think much of it, until I realized how inappropriate the song was for writing horror.
Instead of switching songs, I decided to listen to it in full and soak it in. As I was listing I was reminded of a fight I had with a friend of mine back in August which resulted in out friendship ending; a friendship that started in kindergarten. For quite some time, I've held a strong resentment towards her, and she's held a stronger one to me.
Let be briefly flash back to July, 2009. My dear friend and I had been very close, but some space had started to come between us and hardly a week went by where we didn't fight. I was never really sure why she was always angry towards me, but I'd find out soon enough. She had a crush on [or was apparently in love with] a boy I had met in June, and she had known for a few years. I had befriended him for the purpose of making sure if they did start dating, he wouldn't abuse or be mean to her, because I'm very protective. However, we became very close and I had a crush on him too after a month or so. Instead of lying to my friend, I told her the truth. She was okay with it, and even started asking him provoking questions about asking me out. She soon after moved on from him into a new guy, so when he asked me out, I said yes. Little did I know, I was doing something very wrong in her eyes. When I told her the news, she texted me that we could no longer be friends. I assumed it was just another fiery fight, and would be put out soon enough. Well, when I apologized and asked if she'd like me to break up with him, she rejected, and explained to me how much she hated me and in detail how much is wrong with me, and why no one will ever love me. Well, obviously I took offense to this, so I stopped talking to her. After several more weeks of being harassed by her, I blocked her off my facebook. At which time she informed me how immature I am, and again, that no one will ever love me.
So, back to what I was saying, while listening to "For Good" I was wondering if all that she put me through over those 11 years (because the abuse shown there was commonplace, and somewhat mild for her) was indeed for the good.
I have determined that I could not be who I am today, the fiance of that boy, without all of that happening. For I would not have met him, and I would not have become the confident, straight forward young woman I am today. I would not be able to brush off the rude comments of others if it were not for the fact that she mental abused me so often.
I think in the end, everything that happens, that makes you grow up, that makes you cry, that makes you angry, makes you a better person if you can use it properly.
I think next time I am confronted with a painful situation I will recall this and remember every bad and good event that I survive brings me a step closer to the woman I am, and will become.
We are put through many challenges in life, and it is how we face them that makes us how we are. For is it not when we are pushed to the limit we see who we truly are? A loyal person can only be called loyal if they can be loyal when it's the hardest. A nice person is only nice if they can keep that going when they are faced with danger.
I like to think with the friendship I showed my loyalty, and in the end, common sense. Despite that I may have been out of tune to what a good friend was trying to tell me, and my own determination lost me a good friend. However, because I am not her friend, I have found the love of my life, and he makes me happier than anything. I suppose in the end, my selfishness lost me a good friend, but my loyalty to her gained me a loved on, so perhaps that moves into my karma.
I guess at the end of the day, I didn't get to have my cake and eat it too, but that's okay. I'm a happy person, and no matter how much I miss my dear friend, I think it's better.
For her, I cannot say. I don't think she misses me, so for her, ending out friendship was most likely the best for her. I hope that now that we are not friends, I'm not holding her back and that she can achieve happiness. Because even though we are not friends, I love her, and I want her to live and long, happy, healthy life.