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been a while since i have been on or written anything

-sigh- where to begin?

well if anyone cares to read this i want to say sorry to everyone. including shawn, i guess mostly him. also i wish things didnt have to turn out the way they do sometimes. but then again, i dont regret it all. so yeah lots of drama lately, just trying to survive all. so far i think im handling it... well... i could be doing better.
i wonder if ppl hate me for what has been happening? i wouldnt be surprised if they did, i guess i couldnt blame them. no i dont blame anyone for anything that has happened to me. i only blame myself.
my doggy passed away today, she died getting hit by a car. it was really sad to see her laying on the ground dead. her body was small, stiff, hard, and cold. her eyes were lifeless, and everything around me didnt seem to care or matter anymore except for the crying of my family members and my poor dog that was left cold and dead on the floor. i dont blame the guy that hit her. sad thing is i know the guy that hit her. hes a family member of our good neighbors. it was an accident so i forgive him. i feel bad. reilly thinks shes the reason our dog died. shes not, reilly please never think that way. i could never blame you. if anything it was our fault for not making sure things were safe. but then again, anything could happen and accidents do happen. so now im thinking bout my life and the past couple months that have gone by since school started... i wonder what life would be like if things had went differently. maybe i would be happy? maybe i wouldnt feel sad, alone, lost, confused, and depressed or empty for that matter. maybe i would know what to do to help everyone around me who is going through a hard time.
also i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, nothing will ever change unless i step up to the plate. sorry for being a burden to everyone. i apologize. i wish i could make everyone happy and make their dreams come true, even if that means my happiness is stripped away from me. i just hate seeing the ppl i love and care for the most in the world sad. i often wonder what im doing here and why im still able to face people i face in the world. what is the thing that keeps me going in the morning? i dont know. something keeps telling me that things will get better. im waiting, and i have been waiting for a while now... should i give up? no i shouldnt think that way. there is a light in the distance of every persons life during the darkest time. and the light never gets smaller only brighter. or i like to hope so... i thought my light was getting brighter i thought things were getting better and that i was getting closer to that safe, warm light that bring me bliss peace and joy. i was wrong... my light is fading and i can barely see it anymore.
i should stop though. i should be positive, just lately its so hard. im so lost, i feel so empty. i talk to God ask him to give me signs. he does and he shows me. but sometimes it happens in ways i would never want it to turn out... but he knows whats best for me and i will trust him. i should talk to him more, praise him more, and follow him better. i failed him as a servant. so i guess this is me spilling what i have been thinking. i wanna sleep. but i cant. i cant for i fear my mind will wonder and go back to earlier when i was seeing bella playing and before she had died. i dont wanna think bout it, and yet here i am writing bout it. i cant believe she left me. she always was such a wonderful dog. i cried and she would be there sitting next to me, sleeping next to me, listening to me when i would play my music and always comfort me when watching tv. she was my baby. she was my love, she kept me sane, she made me happy. she was my light in the darkest time of my life, she was my hope a gift from the heavens. and i dont have her anymore. or i do in spirit, but i cant run my fingers through her hair, or play with her slightly floppy ears, or chase her around the house having fun, or play fetch with her. and all the while im writing this im crying because im a baby and cant hold my tears back. and i just feel so sad that my life keep going down and that its going into turmoil and that im trying desperately to hold onto what i have. anything to keep me knowing that things will be fine. im losing everything i care about. mentally and physically wise. i cant sleep well anymore, i dont eat, i always feel sick. and i wanna throw up. to much stress for a 17 year old. but i gotta remember there are other ppl who have it a million times worse than i do. and then when i think bout that. i think about how annoying i must sound writing up all this when other ppl have it way worse out there and my life must seem like heaven to them. and then i think... im really am a pain and i shouldnt be acting this way. why do i have to be so freaking stupid? why do i keep insisting and keep going? there are answers i desire to know. but im never gonna find them. i wish life was easier. but know one said it would be easy. i guess the only thing i can do is stick it out and make the best out of it.

goodness im sorry for all of this. and then again who cares, no one ever reads these anymore. sorry to everyone i really and truly am. i hope u guys forgive me. no im not fully crazy, just slightly and well we will see what happens.