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I've been absolutely, and completely exhosted(sp?) from Wrestling Practice, and life in general. I don't know what it is, my life isn't that hard... why am I always so tired?
My mind has been more onto the morbid side, darkens my spirits and dampens my soul. Clouded vision makes for irrational mistakes.
I don't know, I'm rambling whatever comes to mind.
... but I have a rant that I must simply release into this limitless post...
My School Friends... I love them dearly, but they drive me insane!
I don't know why, but all of my school friends are the skinny girls that people like but arn't popular, but arn't nerds. Yah, I'm in with them... only not skinny. I'm not fat, but I'm big. I stick out like a sore thumb, its horrible.
All of my friends are shorter then me, except one guy. All my friends weight drastically less then I do, except 1 or two males. Even with all the sports, and my mostly failed attempts at trying to eat better.... I'm still massive in my opinion.
It absolutely drives me insane, up the wall, and deep down into an instant depression state when one of my tiny little friends, starts bitching that their fat.
I hate it! Sooo much! I feel like saying "Hey, shut your ******** mouth you stupid skinny b***h! Try living in this giant body with fat dripping off of it!" If I did say that, I garentee they'd cringe. *grumbles*.... I hate being the way I am... I'm surprised I have any friends. I like being big, but I hate being huge... I don't want to be this tall... I don't want to have a manly build... I don't want to be 235lbs! I don't care if its muscle or not, I hate weighing this much!
One of my friends since, forever.. literally... Has over the past few years thought of herself as fat... although compaired to me she was nothing.. but still she thought she was. She pretty much stopped eating.. and now she's a toothpick. She still sometimes bitches about thinking shes fat, but usually only when she gets into depressed states....
Then theres another one of my friends... Craziest althetic chick I know.... yet she obsesses over what little body fat she has! Oh my god! Why is this ******** world so worried about obesity!?!? I'd rather be the way I am, then a ******** twig!!!
Sure I dislike being this way.... but its better than beign a twig. I'm not about to stop eating, so that I can loose weight. If I do that, I can't play the sports that I love. Rugby, Wrestling.... I adore them, but hate them aswell. The typical label on girls who play boys sports are "Their manly", or "Fat as hell!"
Ugh!! Morbid thoughts haunt my mentality, and become more vast during my twisted slumber. I hate this.... I hate superficial beauty.... I hate how others pick at every little thing "wrong" with them... because it makes me do the same to myself....
Death sounds like a good ally in those times... it really does.... and they've been occuring more frequently too....