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I've missed you so much, my journal! T MT I've been finding myself more and more needing to write in you, about everything. And I haven't been able to! It's been torture. So let's update the world, shall we?


First off, we'll start with job. I'm actually at the liberry, applying online. Taco Bell didn't work out; Tammy was just stringing me along the whole time. So I've been trying other places. I actually went out yesterday trying to find work, and what did I do? I ended up crying to the guys up front because I was just so desperate to get a job. I told them my situation and they said they'd do their best to get me an interview; the rest would be up to me. I was so thankful, and I promised to do my best to get an application in (since it's online only) so here I am. Which leads me to my uncle.

His fiancee broke up with him three days ago, on Halloween. So he decided to get drunk. Now, as all people that know me know, I'm terrified of alcohol. So I left as soon as I heard him open a beer. I went to my gramma's house, and stayed for a few hours. I tried to go back after 3 hours, and I walked in the door. My uncle gave me a big smile and held up an empty bottle of scotch. He was playing Aerosmith loud enough to rattle the walls. I turned around and went right back to gramma's. Tried to go back after 3 more hours. I didn't even go inside the gate, cuz I could hear the music all the way out on the street. I went back to gramma's and stayed there that night. I also stayed the next day since uncle had a massive hangover. House was trashed when I finally got back. Apparently he's an angry drunk. Anyways.
I got back yesterday at 5pm. I had been gone since 10am. He had stayed home from work (I don't know why.) I got back and started making myself a sammich. He asked where I'd been all day. I told him I was looking for work. He said It's been three months. Why hadn't I found a job yet? I said I didn't know, but I was trying. He said that HE would've found a job by now. And did I know rent was due? How was I expecting to pay it? HE didn't get to stay in that house if HE didn't pay rent. I told him to talk to my dad, since he was the one paying my rent until I got a job. He said it wasn't his responsibility and that I needed to get off my a** and take care of it myself. I sighed and called my dad and left a message, since he didn't answer. My uncle ranted for a little longer, and I didn't say a word to him for the rest of the night.

(To be continued, since I"m running out of time for this session.)
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(Back. Hopefully to finish this massive entry up. 8D )

So yeah. Uncle sucks balls. Now, what next... Oh! I got some romance novels just now, while waiting for my compy reservation. Was hoping to find some guyxguy ones, but I didn't really look too hard. Just got some standard ones with fancy titles and whatnot.

Had HORRIBLE nightmares for the past three nights. Except last night, I hardly slept at all. I have no idea why. I went to bet at 10, woke up at 12, went back to sleep, woke up at 1, tried to sleep till 230, played video games till 330, tried to meditate till 440, fell asleep, woke up at 6, layed there a while, fell asleep, and woke up at 7-8ish. Sucked, but enjoyable at the same time. Because I love being awake at night. And oddly enough, I'm not tired.

I figured out how to work my uncle's bitchin' sound system! I blared it up loud and danced to music for like an hour this morning x3 Great songs.

I've got faith. It's taken so long to find it, but I'm finally confident that I've got it. And all this time I've been afraid to say it, in fear that it'll go away, but now I'm positive it won't leave. I believe in my heart that God will stay with me. And I'll be diligent in my prayers, like I am every night, and I'll do my best to connect with Him.

Ganon's birthday is in one week! On the tenth, marking the one-year anniversary of Ganon coming to me! Which really makes me think. I mean... wow, you know? It's been over one year since I learned of the spirit world. And it's so exhilerating because I know that I was never really 'aware' of life until I learned. I finally felt like things fell into place when I learned. So I'm going to do my best to make Ganon's birthday the best birthday ever. You know what that angel of a Poppet asked for as a present from me?
"All I want is for you to spend the entire day with me, Poppet. That'd be the best present I could ever ask for."
So that's what I'll do for him.

I feel absolutely horrible. I know that I've been neglecting Frey for so long, and just as I was gearing up to really start spending time with him, he disappears. I was freaked out and more worried than I could explain. And now that he's back... I'm actually ashamed to see him. I mean, I saw him that first day he was back, when he was asleep, but... how can I face him? "Hey big brother, haven't talked to you in oh, about a month and a half. So heard you got kidnapped. Wanna become close now that you've been through a severely traumatic emotional and physical experience?" I don't want him to think that... It broke my heart to find out he had been taken to one of those horrid places. And I was crying as much as daddy elf was. I don't know what to do, though. How can I even look him in the eyes? What do I say? I'm just so thankful that he's back... God, if he had... if something had happened to him and we hadn't even spoken in so long... I don't know what I...

...
Okay, stop crying in public, Amanda. People are giving you weird looks.

Anyway. Tomtom's phone was brokeded cuz I poisoned it, so I hadn't heard anything from him for a few days. I was lonesome. Then he texted me and I felt better knowing that he still cared x3 Good to hear from him, and I has constant texty buddy again.

Oh, also? Tomtom liked me and blahblahblah. And he still likes me. I know this cuz he still says the "Oh how sweet" kind of things to me. ._. I already told him I'm not interested. So what do I do? I'm not TRYING to string him on, but if he keeps going after me, he's gonna get hurt. He's not gonna get anywhere. Wasted time and effort :/

Finally found an image that helps me meditate! All I do is picture a field of grass, and the grass moves and sways in rhythm to my breathing. It works perfectly, and if I start to get bored, I just add a tree here or there, or change how much the grass moves with each breath. It's perfect for me!

I think Louis is afraid of me. ._. Which is odd. I'm comfortable around him, now, and I want him to just relax.

I also think he's... I'm not sure. But when I pushed him over the other day when he and Nya-chan and Tomtom and I were all hanging out, he gave me a not-nice stare. I know that stare because I use it when I want people to know that if they keep on acting the way they act, they're gonna get ******** up. I'm not saying anything by it, I'm just saying that for tipping him over when he crouched on the ground (which I only did because he did it to me about twenty minutes before), it was a little extreme of a reaction. I also get a bit upset, because I think about when he made a move towards me, reaching out his hand or something, and I had to grab his wrist. I spun it and stopped the action, but I've had that done to me a dozen thousand times by my uncle. He makes it hurt, and I know how to make it so it DOESN'T hurt. But when I did it to Louis, he was wearing an "OHSWEETLORD,ITHURTSSOBAD,WHYGODWHY!?!?!?" look, and Nettie freaked out and said "Stop! You'll hurt him!!". Interesting thing? I let go and he was perfectly fine. Now, no, I'm not saying that he's a liar or deceitful or anything, so don't freak Nya-chan. I'm just saying, why did he do that? I'm trying to figure it out, and I don't understand. I'm just trying to be friends with him, but every time I try to interact with him like I do all my other friends (okay, I don't really have any friends 'cept Nya-chan. But I'm trying with him and tomtom), then Nya-chan will freak out and I'll have to apologize and explain myself and hope that I'm forgiven and I'll have another chance to not screw up. Which isn't really pleasant for me, especially given the fact that Louis is so standoffish and reserved around me, from what Nya-chan tells me. I'm making the effort, but I feel like I'm just making myself look stupid. ._. Not good for ma complex.

I'm afraid of this whole "Part of the family, but living somewhere else thing", but I'm going to be supportive. I feel awful with how I've been acting, and I wanna make it up to Nya-chan. So I'm gonna be bright and cheerful as I can be, so she won't stress out anymore. Because I know she's got so much on her plate right now that my childish tantrums won't really do a lot of good for her. So I'm gonna be Super Best Friend to her! That way she'll have no choice but to relax! Mwuahahahaha!!!

I hope Nya-chan wakes up in time for us to hang out today. I'm worried about her sleeping so much.

My carpal tunnel is acting up so much it's not even funny. I can barely play my DS T.T

I think my drawing skills are really improving lately. At least, since I started my portfolio they have.

I'm planning on saving up for a laptop as soon as I can get a job! Found the perfect one too! $600 at Walmart, and it's got everything I need PLUS some 8D I also wanna save up for an iTouch for all my music and whatnot. I just want one. I have too much music for a tiny 2gb sansa e250. I wanna get a 32gb iTouch >:3
...
I just need a job first. T-T

I still need to figure out what triggers my nightmares, so I can prevent them. I had... the worst nightmare of my entire life two nights ago. I never want to have to see something like that again.

I think about Kay constantly. I want to write a letter to her and get all my feelings out, but I just... can't start. I don't know where to start. It's the deepest betrayal I've ever had, and I don't know how I'll get past it. I don't know if I ever will. I try so hard to figure out what she was thinking, and I'm positive that I've got all the technical aspects of it down. But I just can't figure out... why. Even so, I pray for her, and hope that she stays safe. Because even if she wants nothing to do with me, and even if I can never recover from what she said, I would still never wish anything bad on her. On anyone, but especially not her. She's still such a good person, and she was so special to me.
I DO know that I need help letting go though.

Happy to report that Nyx called me "Baby Girl" the other night, and I didn't say anything. Because I didn't care. I'm finally... I'm finally healed from Jude. A year later, and it's finally all better.

Maybe it'll just take that long for Kay too.

I want a whopper from burger king sooooooooo freakin' bad T-T

I wanted a snickers so bad last night. I got one too, cuz i had candy from halloween. Most satisfying snickers I've ever eaten.
Then I realized that I hadn't had chocolate in 2 1/2 months. So it was even tastier.

I love tuna fish. And the sound of ruffling feathers.

I'm hungry. Can you tell?


I feel so relaxed now that I've splurged in my journal! x3 It was such torture not being able to vent like this. I thought I would asplode. I LOVE YOU, MY SWEET DIGITAL DIARY!!!!!