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Why is it that every time i try to do something right in my life, i'm always thrust back to square one? For the longest time i've tried to repair what damage has been done to my only real relationship with the only girl i've ever loved completely and wholeheartedly, and yet i've done more damage than good. i thought that if i'd enroll in college and actually try to get what education i need to do what i wanna do, then i'll be okay, but i'm not.

Every time i think of the past, the lyrics that pop into my head suddenly make sense and match my exact emotion:

I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see?. It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that? I rip back, everytime you tried to steal that.You feel bad? you feel sad? Im sorry,
hell no ******** that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife
it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I
hurt too, remember I loved you!

I loved her, and i still do, just not as much as i used to. I wish i could go back in time and take back everything thing i've done to bring things to this point, i regret many things in my life, and i don't want falling in love with her to be one of those things. But as things stand, pretty soon, it just might become that.

I ******** up. I said a lot of things i know i shouldn't have, but i won't take back what i did when i was single. Moving on was the one thing on my mind and even if she couldn't see that then hell, that's too bad. Yes, i made a poor decision on who to help me move on, but she's made poor choices too. we're only human after all.

The future that we both drew, and all the s**t we've been through. Obssed with the
thought of you, the pain just grew and grew! How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck, now I'm just ********
up. Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!

She was the only one i loved. Even as we got into many arguments over things that make no sense as i look back now, i always felt myself falling in love with her all over again as we forgave and forgot. But when things started to change, i admit, so did i. But i was afraid of losing her. Well, hell has frozen over and the angels are committing suicide. Because i fear, never again will we be together. And strangely enough, i don't mind. i just want her to be happy, even as i sink lower into my own despair and depression.

How many times did I shout your name in the storm?
My voice's drying out...
I live because of you, so I believe...
"close your eyes"
Therefore, this pain never heals...

i used to think this way, that no matter how loud i screamed her name, she would never hear me and leave me behind. I used to think that the reason i was still alive was so i could do something useful with my life and make someone else happy, that i would be the one hurt, but it didn't matter so long as she was happy. Now though...i'm not so sure. I'm doing things for myself from now on, regardless of whether or not anyone gets hurt. It may be highly cliched, but it's my time now. My story. if you're not a part of it, you're not as important as you thought.

And with this, i end this journal entry.

Alvan--