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Okay...so here's the next what...month and a half? So...we move from my g-ma's (dad and I) into my Aunt Michelle's house. Lotsofuno! She's so funny! We have a blast! Anyway, had an emotional breakdown on Christmas Day because of crap with Eve...she made me feel like a peice of crap on the bottom of her shoe. So...got that over with and out the front door, and I was fine till New Year's Day when my bf and I got into this "argument"//dispute over "How we're gonna spend time together."

Anyway, he doesn't want to come over anymore b/c, well...I don't know why. So I'm upset b/c it feels like he's avoiding me when he said that's not true, then he said "give it a week and we'll go from there" so I am, but he's been really pissy with me and it hurts realy badly. He's acting like he doesn't want to hang around me anymore and it's really starting to bring me down. It's like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I don't understand what's going on. So I'm giving him even more space than I was before ((two...three...four days ago)). I don't understand what's happening. I mean all I did was love him and he's acting weird on me.

And I would think, even if you don't like a place, you'd still go there to see your gf, right? I understand he doesn't like the people who live with me but I can't do anything about it. We're alone anyway when he's over so it's not like anyone's bothering us. And he want's to get away from the "same old same old," well fine...we can do that...there's plenty of things to do at my house. The thing is is that I can't go with him in his car yet b.c my parents are uber strick, so I have no social life outside of them taking me places. He wants to go places and I can't go b/c my parents won't let me go with him. I can't do anything about it. We just have to deal with it for now.

And another thing I don't understand is that it's not that far off when I will be able to go with him places. I would think he'd wait a few months or so until we can and take what he can get...right? I don't know...I'm not a guy so...whatever, but the point is it's like he doesn't want to see me for some reason. It's like he wants out. But just the day before New Year's Eve we went bowling and he was fine and happy and he seemed to love me there.

And just two days before I was over his house and we were lying down on the couch while watching football and he looked up at me from where he was laying and I could see how much he loved and cared for me...I mean, you don't just change in three days. I would think it takes a week at the least to change the way you feel about someone.

But maybe he really does just care. See the thing is is I have to learn about him more and the way he handles things. I just wish he'd tell me exactly what's going on so I don't have to kill myself every night choking on tears. We need a break, but I didn't think he'd act the way he is. If he doesn't want one, why doesn't he just say? And if he doesn't want me anymore, why doesn't he just tell me?

I'm not coming to any conclusions here...I'm just throwing things out as they come to my mind b/c I need to think it out. I'm just typing what I feel...I don't know if anything is true at all, all that is true are my feelings. I might be percieving him in a totally different light. He very well could be crying too...I don't know. I don't know him well enough to say anything is exact...I wish I did...so I'm going to learn.

Just, if he's not coming over my house anymore, then that means I'm not going over his b/c frankly, I probably feel the same way he feels over my house. I don't feel like I belong or that the people he lives with appoint me to the highest level their son could date. But that's not why I go there...I go there to be with him and nothing else matters. It's not what we do, or where we are, it's just being with him, and I would think it would stand true the same with him? Why doesn't he want to come over...why does he care so much about where we are and what we do? I really don't understand.

But like I said...I'm not coming to any conclusions...we'll see what happens after this weekend. All I can say is I'm letting him call me. I'm letting him have his space. He knows I love him...and I know I overwhelm him sometimes...so I'm letting him breathe a little. It's what we need...it's what he needs. I just hope he understands that I can't do the things he wants me to do, or what he wants to do, or what we want to do. I hope he realizes that if he wants to see me, for the time being the only way is for him to come over, and if he comes over I'll go over there. I hope he sees that we're not far from doing what we want to, and when that time comes we will do what we want to, but for now, we just have to wait and deal with the rules. I didn't make them, so I can't break them.