My friend does not return what has been lent to him
Aug 31, 2009
Dear Tante Zwingli,
I asked a friend to hide some valuables for me once, and I believe he still has them. Knowing him he probably has the entire area surrounded by mines or something, so I can't just go there and retrieve them. Something also tells me directly asking him would only result in denial.
So, should I punch him in the head until he gives me my Jew gold valuables back? Do you have a suggestion?
- Anonymous
Dear troubled young boy,
Don't ask friends to hide valuables for you. That was very stupid naive.
I firmly believe violence solves nothing. Punching him in the head repeatedly could seriously damage your friendship and I do not recommend you do so. I am very sorry to have to tell you that your endeavor to retrieve your lost goods might be in vain. You could however try inviting him over for tea and biscuits. I guarantee nothing though, your friend sounds like a smart guy.
I suggest you look on the bright side and find solace in the fact that this little issue has not damaged the deep bond of friendship you two share.
Good luck,
Tante Zwingli
Tante Zwingli,
The only reason I gave my valuables to my ''friend'' was because my options were between him and Svenbjom. Since I was busy raping Svenbjom's brother, the latter choice did not seem like a wise decision. However I am beginning to get a sneaking suspicion that perhaps my ''friend'' used my valuables to purchase vast amounts of guns; perhaps that's why he is avoiding the subject. If that's the case, I'm going to purchase explosives from Ruslan since I'm not allowed to own them anymore and nuke the ******** out of his Alps. Wait, is Ruslan even allowed to have bombs anymore, either?
If this is the case, what do you suggest I do?
- Not a troubled young boy
Dear not so troubled young boy,
I hope you are aware of the fact that rape is a very serious crime. You could go to jail. Please take a moment to meditate on your morals.
I begin to sense you harbor hard feelings for this friend of yours. This is a pity. I am however delighted you have attempted to put yourself in his shoes and tried to work out what his motives might be. Good job! This is the first step to a healthy relationship. My advice would be to work on dialogue next. Is your friend aware of your feelings? Perhaps you could take a course to improve your communicative skills and convey your emotions more effectively.
Do not forget about the tea and biscuit advice.
Please refrain from doing anything illegal.
Good luck,
Tante Zwingli
Tante Zwingli
...What?
Dammit, Sebastian, just give me my gold back.
- Not Ludovic
Dear Ludovic,
Your last letter was not phrased in the form of a question and I am not sure how I can help you.
Good luck,
Tante Zwingli
