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Russian condoms:

Russian President Putin called President Obama with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "It's my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to hold us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Obama.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

So Obabma hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!"

Stock show:

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: 'This bull mated 50 times last year.'

The wife turns to her husband and says, 'He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.'

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: 'This bull mated 65 times last year.'

The wife turns to her husband and says, 'This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can really learn from this one, also.'


They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: 'This bull mated 365 times last year.'

The wife's mouth drops open and says, 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.'

The man turns to his wife and says,'Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

"Man thingy"

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

Wild fishing trip:

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."

Great Deduction Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

And what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”