Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I remember last year on July 4th when I was writing a journal entry. It was a much more promising day. Today I have no plans, no idea what I am going to do. I love fireworks, I want to see some fireworks, but I am not going to the beach. Too cold. My neighbor usually has the illegal fireworks, but I don't know what the plan for tonight is. Plans. I love planning in advance, but sometimes, most of the time, it seems I have nothing to plan.

So yes, life has been boring lately. That's why I haven't been writing journal entries. I haven't been doing anything. But maybe I'm not the only one. Maybe everyone else is bored too, and hasn't been doing much this summer. Or maybe I the only one, who doesn't have anything to do, anyone to talk to. But that's ok. Being alone to think is good, right? Thinking is good, right?

But sometimes it's just so boring. I don't know what to do. It's basically just refresh... refresh... refresh. See if anything is updated. Once in a while there is something interesting, but not often. Only so often. So little often.

I remember when I was younger, and I used to have to go to YMCA Summer Camp. That was torture. I hated it. I had no friends there. It was horrible. Summer camps are horrible, I never have any friends, and I can never make any good friends. People are already set in their groups and I can't seem to join one. I'm not that horrible, am I? But people defintely make it seem that way. Make me wonder if I am that bad, and that's why I am so alone. But what did I ever do? I don't know I was a bad person, until they say so.

Or maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I'm just lying. Lying about what? I have nothing to say. Besides, I am ok.

I wrote a song last night, in my head. But I don't remember it now. It was good, too. I need to keep a pen and paper with me. So I can write these things down. If I want to be remembered for something, maybe it can be for writing, or music. I do love music. I want to be known for writing... music. Good? Yes, it is a good plan, but can I do it? I don't know. According to the rest of the world, I'm not good enough. But I do try. And trying doesn't seem to get me anywhere anymore, so do I stop trying? If I don't try, will I do anything?

I don't know. That's just it, I don't know. I want to have my life planned out, so I know what to do, what to expect. But it's not going that way. I don't want a lot, just some. I want to be remembered, I want to be loved. Is that so much? But so many others ask for the same, what makes my wish so much better than all of theirs that it deserves to be made true? Nothing, not really. Maybe I'm just selfish. I want these things, but I can't have them. I've been ok without them so far, so can't I make it the rest of my life without them? I'm pretty sure I could. I might not be happy, but I will be fine.

You don't need to worry. I'm not special, I won't be remembered. I'm just another life on this planet, to be lost in time. I'll disappear, and it will be like I never existed. But that's ok, because I won't be the only one. It happens to lots of other people too. I might not be loved, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that too. And that's ok. I don't mind. I've made it through long enough, and I can last forever without it. It's really just in my head. It's not real, I don't need it. It's imaginary, it's pretend. It is like money, it's all in our heads.

And so now that I have decided that I can go on without these things, life should be better. I know what to expect. I know that I won't be loved, and I won't be remembered. I'm just another person, another life. No one will think about it, this will just be another memory lost. And that's ok. I can't get everything I want, even if it seems so small to me. All I want is to be remembered, and to be loved, but as small as they seem now, they do mean a lot to others.

But not to me. I am ok. You don't need to worry, if you were worrying. You don't need to worry, it will just be a waste of time. I'm not special, I'm not going to last forever now. I'm just going to disappear in time, and I won't matter. So don't waste your time on me now. I am just another life, another being.

I'm just another flower in his field,
If I'm broken,
I won't be healed.

They tell me not to worry,
I'm just like them.
But I will hurry,
And change this trend.

I'll try with all I can,
But in the end,
It won't matter,
So I will pretend.

I am fine,
And although I am lying,
They don't know,
So they won't be crying.

There's no need to worry now,
I'll be gone too soon.
And away I'll go,
Just like a balloon.

You won't remember me,
I'll float away.
And you know what?
That's okay.