|
Now you can click on this and read this entry. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Anonymity.
It's one of the major aspects of the internet.
Anonymity, a condition where an indvidual's true identity is unknown.
Identity.
A distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity. Traits or conditions in which one human being is recognized or known.
Anyonymity in combination with identity.
What do we have?
A username is the only thing that people can identify you with in the beginning.
On a forum, your username, your posts, and etc determine your online identity while your real self remains anonymous. You can virtually become whatever you've wanted in this giant playground. You can do whatever you want. Limitless in possibilities yet you remain unknown. The real you is only a ghost of what you are here.
People can care less about what I have to say, they can care less about my username means are about my behavior on subjects and my thoughts. They can respect who I am here or come to loathe it. But in reality, they don't have the faintest clue. They only know what I tell them.
Do they really want to know about me?
Why?
For what reasons?
What benefits them for knowing?
Is it for fun?
For the sake of knowing beyond my pseudo self?
Or for the exploitation of me in reality?
Am I two people?
Is one more active than the other?
Does it matter?
To someone it does, to that someone, they worry if I burnt my tounge on my morning cup of coffee, if I stubbed my toe on the way out of the house, if I had trouble buying groceries, if the lightning outside my window scared me. It matters to that someone. That someone cares greatly for me.
Great enough to let me know the one who's behind the keyboard.
Great enough for me to let them know about myself.
It's amazing what you kind find here.
And it's amazing what people will spend most of their time on.
Multi player games, websites offering various products for an alluring price or for free, humourous short little animated films and other things of the more "adult" nature.
So much this world has to offer.
So little I care for.
So much is the love and caring for the small, little part of this world.
To tell you the truth, I didn't expect it to happen. I simply came into this area out of boredom, not expecting to find her.
That angel.
That treasure.
That glimmer that my soul has been missing.
That love so pure that it came bursting out like surge of ocean waves against the cliffs and rocks.
It was so difficult to find peace inside myself, so hard it was to admit it.
And I confess it's still hard, but worth it. Oh it's worth every precious second, every grain of sand that's worth all the memories of times spent together is worth more to me than anything in the entire world.
She fell in love with my mask and she fell in love with the person behind it.
It's so hard to imagine someone taking interest in /ME/.
But she's interested. Interested in an insignificant speck like me.
The kid who no one notices, who always sits in the back of the room, who stutters when he speaks and looks at his shoes while carrying conversation. The kid who lies on the bench waiting for someone to come. Who feels uneasy being six feet away from someone. The one who doubts himself and others. She fell in love with me. And she still loves me. Even as I'm writing this out.
She's changed me. I don't know if saying that will verify that but I know she has. She's changed me for the better. I felt like the gigantic bulk of a mountain man, always searching for a fight, always looking for dischord, the angry, bitter, rage filled, controversy lusting ogre till she came along. Even as I pounded my fists into the ground and sobbed she still held me. With that gentle touch, with those warm arms. With that unstoppable determination in her, that determination.....
That drove her to tell me she loved me.
That determination.
That drove me to tell her I loved her back.
I love her very much.
Even those words that people consider to be serious, to be a complete statement of one's feelings to another, feelings of pure, unadulterated, selfless love for another is only a shadow of what I truly feel for her.
The same feelings I express to her everyday.
The same feelings I am trying to express in this entry.
How magnificent she is to me.
How wonderful she is to me.
How I always wonder what I've done to deserve her.
Some may think I'm a total loser, a dunderhead, one who has lost his senses. Others will think this is a sincere and loving statement of my love. For those who believe that latter, yes, it is exactly that. I don't care how much traffic this entry will give me, I don't care if some think I'm doing this for attention or if it's because I haven't made an entry in a while. All of this has been inside of me for a long time and it's time I let it out and let my feelings known. Everyone is welcome to read this entry and comment on this. I will be polite and respond, thanking you for your comment. But all I really care about is if she reads this and knows that I love her deeply.
She's beautiful to me, no matter what she and others say. She is delightful to both my eyes and my heart. How she's graced her way into this tired, old stone chamber of my soul and brought life and blood to it. Blood that runs through my veins full of the love I feel for her. Her eyes are dazzling. They are the door to the universe, to all things living and non-existant. To various people and things. I see earth, sky, moon, sun, stars in her eyes. I see past, present and future in her eyes. Light and darkness, water and fire, birds flying and fish swimming. I see us together forever in her eyes. And that how I want us both to be.
Just us.
Together.
Always.
 SJL · Sat Dec 17, 2005 @ 05:01am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
