Froggy: You were a good officer.
Charlie: Not much of a trick in peacetime.
Froggy: Well we can't always have wars, yer know. You would've faced enemy fire with the best if you'd 'ad to.
Charlie: That is something I shall always wonder. . .
Froggy: Well,don't wonder. And don't wonder about Marym either. I don't know 'er very well, but I know that a looker like wot she is, she's 'ad 'er chances. She could've cast 'er eye on some other bloke, but she never 'as, now, 'as she? (No answer) Eh? (pause)
Charlie: (Who hasn't intended to admit this.) Oh....
Froggy: Naaow.
Charlie: Yes. . .
Froggy: All right, all right. You've caught 'er flirtin' with some bloke, is that it? Caught 'er makin' eyes at some bloke?
Charlie: Yes. . .
Froggy: Where was it?
Charlie: The shower. . .
Froggy: Oh God.
Charlie: Yes
Froggy: Well, all right, all right. It 'appens in the best of marriages. Eh? One little mistake. One little dalliance., that's no reason for you-for you to-.(Seeing Charlie's expression.) More than one? (Charlie nods.) More than-two? (Another nod.) 'Ow many, then?
Charlie: Twenty-three.
Froggy: Naaow!
Charlie: More or less.
Froggy: Mary?
Charlie: Yes. . . .
Froggy: I don't believe it.
Charlie: Quite true. Actors, writers. All the glamorous profesions, you se. Criminals. . . Veterinarians. . . . .
Froggy:Gor. . . .! And did you-Know?
Charlie: Oh Yes. Mary wanted me to. She flaunted them at me.
Froggy: Tsk! I don't believe it.
Charlie: Well....
Froggy: And you still-? I mean, after all that, you still-?
Charlie: Love her? (Nods) More than anything on earth. Love is not love, Froggy, which alters when it alteration finds.
Froggy: No. . . . (pause) 'Oo said that?
Charlie: Shakespeare.
Froggy: Ah, yes (Pause) 'E could turn a phrase, couldn't 'e?
Charlie: Yes. . . .
Froggy: (Poetically) "Love is not love, Froggy, which-" What?
Charlie: "Which- which alters when it alteration finds."
Froggy: Yes. Quite True.
Charlie: He- he didn't say "Froggy"
Froggy: No. No, 'e wouldn't, of course. (A silence) 'Ave you talked to anyone about this?
Charlie: I've tried to. But I-I'm no good at it, you see. Talking. Talk. I. One is expected to talk these things out, but I - I can't seem to -. I never finish sentences, I -. I have an active frar of - of - of -.
Froggy: Talk?
Charlie: Yes. Lately. Even idle conversation - terrifies me. Simply knowing that in another moment, it's going to be my turn, again My turn to - to -to -.
Froggy: To talk.
Charlie: Yes.
Froggy: Well, yer won't 'ave ter worry 'ere. Betty'll do all the talkin' for both of yer.
Charlie: (Alarmed.) What?
Froggy: Oh, she's a regular chatterbox, Betty is. Good weather, bad weather, 'ows yer mum -?
Charlie: Oh God -.
Froggy: And when she's not goin' on about somethin', the other guests will be. So don't -.
Charlie: Other guests?
Froggy: Well-.
Charlie: You means - strangers?!
Froggy: Well, they won't be strangers long. Why, as soon as you've 'ad one or two-.
Charlie: Conversations!
Froggy: Charlie -.
Charlie: Take me with you. Please.
Froggy: I -.
Charlie: Please. Try to understand. I can't - talk to anyone now. Please.
Froggy: I can't bring civilians on post, you know that. I - (Charlie, in growing panic, hold his chest, gasping for air.) Charlie? (Rushing to him.) Oh, God. 'Ere look. (Ready to promise anything) All right, yer don't want to 'ave ter talk to anyone? All right, I'll fix it for yer.
Charlie: Hm?
Froggy: I'll fix it. I've brought you 'ere, I'll make it right for yer. If it's no conversation you want, it's no conversation you'll 'ave. Eh? Roayl treatment, day and night - baths drawn, meals set out - not a word spoken nor a word required. 'Ow's that?
Charlie: But - they'll think me rude.
Froggy: No, they won't. It all depends on my approach. The right approach, that's it. I can make Betty love the idea, if I put it right. Let's see -. Well, I'll think of somethin', don't worry. (Taking a key from the wall and giving it to Charlie.) Ah, number seven, good. 'Ere, you settle in. I'll find Bet, and we'll all 'ave tea in a minute.
Charlie: But - she won't speak to me?
Froggy: I've told yer - nobody in this 'ouse will speak to you for the next three days, or you can dock me to corporal. My word on it! Off! (Charlie exits.) Oh God wot've I done? Ah, well. (Betty Meeks enters, arms full of firewood, not seeing Froggy. She is more than seventy, speaks the hardy local dialect, and, like everyone, is wise about some things and naive about others.) 'Elp yer, Miss?
Betty: (Startled) Oh! (Recognizing him - happily) Frog! (They both start hugging and jumping about) I'm gettin' ye all wet.
Froggy: Oh, I've been wet before. You remind me a bit of Malaysia.
Betty: (Removing her raincoat) Who's she?
Froggy: No, it's a place. 'Ere, look. (Retrieving a parcel from his coat pocket) I've brought you something.
Betty: (Opening it) Spoons!
Froggy: 'At's right.
Betty: You know I love spoons.
Froggy: 'At's riht. I know. Bit tricky ter get, some o' these yer know.
Betty: Ohh. Now, whar'd ye get this 'un here?
Froggy: I was given that by one of the aborigines of Canada.
Betty: My land. Ain't that sump'm.
Froggy: Yes. And look 'ere - (Handing her another spoon) where d'yer suppose that's from?
Betty: (Afraid to guess) I don't know. . . .
Froggy: The Mysterious East
Betty: (Reading, in awe) "Made in Taiwan."
Froggy:That's right.
Betty: My goodness, Frog - the places you been. The people you seen. Jset takes m'breath away. (With a third spoon) And this un' here, whar's this from?
Froggy: (Darkly) Tijuana.
Betty: Ohh. Sounds dangerous.
Froggy: It is. Yes.
Betty: Oh look! I turned it upside down, 'n' all her clothes come off!
Froggy: Well - they're a heathen people.
Betty: Land!
Froggy: Yes.
That's all my group did, remember we had to have this all memorized...
Read it sometime. It's hilarious.
Read it sometime. It's hilarious.
