 Walking back to a place that left memories of him. Thinking this year was going to be as good as last year's.
Everything was great at first. But a big question hit me. My thoughts wonder. My mind want to know. Can it be that I really don't like him? My mind were so confused. I asked myself. ' What do I do?' Then I pushed it away.
Through out the year. My mind and heart was worry for everything. From friends, my action, and my thoughts. I was thinking too negative. My heart couldn't stop hurting, My mind wouldn't stop thinking. It felt like being pulled. My heart wouldn't give up, but my mind wanted to just fall and give up. I just didn't know what to do.
Finally my body gave in. My body started to weaken, started to panic so much, that I couldn't breathe. It made my worry worst. I was so afraid to see my parent reaction to it. I didn't know why, but I keep to myself for a whole week. But My heart couldn't take it. It felt like death was coming. Every minute,every second I was short in breath. My fear and panic increased. I finally told my parents. In their eyes, they were so worry, they were so scared. I couldn't helped. I cried. The pain seeing the ones I care and love for in so much worry, so much pain. I couldn't stop crying. It felt like I was going to die. From that moment I learned how much life was to me, and that how much I haven't changed.
I sat on my bed thinking. ' I'm still the same as that little girl. I still love to see those smiles, but I still couldn't cheer up people, all I cause was pain and suffer.' On that day I promised to be the person that I wanted to be. I promised myself to be better, to be more silly. I still craved those smiles, the happiness in the air. I still crave them all.
But there was still one thing to solve. Do I still like him or not? I want a straight forward answer, but in the end I still got the same, I don't know. My mind wants to hate him so. Why? He was always so rude to the people I care, and myself. He messing with the one of my most important people to me. I can't stand for that. But my heart, that's a different story. It always thinks of the past. Remembering all the thoughts I have for him. Remembering how much I worked hard for him. Remember his sweet words in the silents. My feeling for him are stronger than I thought. I just left it be. I guess you can say I still like him, and say that I don't too.
One this very day. I'm still worry about the same. but I'm going to still stand strong. And for him. I just can't give up on him just yet. Just now, I'm living life again.
 Taiyachi · Thu Jun 04, 2009 @ 06:02am · 0 Comments |
