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-Sunny Saulations-
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Preface for Lying Demise
Preface

I ran down the painted cobblestone path, my feet sticking as I ran. My brown hair was in my face, my eyes red as the bright ripe red apples on the tree. I stopped and looked up at the trees baring apples and licked my lips in hunger and aspiration savoring the juice roll down my chin. I eyed the brightest, reddest, and sweetest apple on the tree in pure ecstasy. I really wanted that apple...but I was short. Too short. I was only 5. My name is Daniel Nolan Parker. I am an orphan. Also known as “Armor Thief”. I stole armor from blacksmiths, peasants, kings, queens, and anybody else who had them. I sold them off to most of the knights in Port town who wanted them. It was the only way I could get money. I only got about 5 shillings per armor I sold. I wiped my runny nose on my sleeve, and started climbing the tree. I always told everybody: “I am as limber as a rubber band!!” which was a weird thing to say to people here in HarlinField. People looked at you like you’ve been in the kings stow-away room for 5 years. I made it to the middle of the tree and sat down on one of the longest branches. I sighed and wiped my nose again. I had the flu but of course no doctor would treat a armor stealing orphan. I put one hand on the tree limb, pushed myself up to my feet, and stood on the limb. “Ack!!!” I slipped and started to fall. I grabbed onto the tree branch and held on as tight as I could. “Help me!!! Someone please!!” My hands began to sweat, and I began to lose my grip onto the branch. I started to cry and my chin begin to quiver. I couldn't let go..I couldn't. My hands sweated even more, I had to let go. I let go and felt myself fall slowly. I was sure I was going to die. My hair was all in my face and I couldn't see if I was going to die or live. Suddenly I felt something grab the back of my shirt and hoist me up to one of the apples. I smiled, impressed at whatever was picking me up and grabbed the apple. The something lowered me down and spun me around. It was a guy who looked like he was 42. He was wearing gray armor, wielding a sword with a red cloth hanging from it, he also had the red cloth hanging everywhere from his armor. “Hi. I saw you in the apple tree and I figured you were to trying to get a apple right?” I shook my head and smiled. He grabbed the apple, wiped it off and handed it back to me. I took a bite of the juicy red apple, felt the juice run down my chin and smiled as it did. “My name is Ogi son. Aren’t you Daniel...the armor thief?” I frowned and stopped nibbling on the apple. “Yes...but I...do it because...I need money to buy food...since I am on my own.” Ogi rubbed his chin while frowning, then suddenly smiled. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. “Tell you what Daniel, You can live with me and I will teach you how to be a blacksmith like me.” My ears perked up at hearing this. My spirit lifted and my heart swelled. “Really Mr.Ogi?? You would do that for an armor thief like me?” “Of course son. It’s the least I can do for you since you have nowhere to go.” I hugged Ogi and smiled. From now on....I knew I would be cared for.






User Comments: [1]
WishICared
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 @ 04:16pm


Preface for Lying Demise
Preface

I ran down the painted cobblestone path, my feet sticking as I ran (towards the ripe, apple trees). My brown hair (drooped) in my face, (my red eyes locked on the ripest apple hanging on the lowest branch on the nearest tree). I stopped and (admired) the trees baring (what some claim 'the forbidden fruit') and licked my lips in hunger. I eyed the brightest, reddest, and sweetest apple on the tree in pure ecstasy. I really wanted that apple...but (when I reached for it,) I was short. Too short (for a 5 year old).

My name is Daniel Nolan Parker. ( Also known as "Armor Thief", and I've been an orphan for as long as I can remember). (I've) stole(n) armor from blacksmiths, peasants, kings, queens, and anybody else who (has) had them. I sold them off to most of the knights in Port town who (would buy them). It was the only way I could get money. I only got about 5 shillings per armor I sold.

I wiped my runny nose on my sleeve, and started climbing the tree. I always told everybody: “I am as limber as a rubber band!!” which was a weird thing to say to people here in HarlinField. People looked at (me) like (I’ve) been in the kings stow-away room for (all my life).

I (worked my way) to the middle of the tree and sat down on the longest branche. I sighed and wiped my nose again. I had the flu, but of course no doctor would treat an armor stealing orphan. I put one hand on the tree limb, pushed myself up to my feet, and (tried to balance myself).

“Ack!!!” I slipped and (began to fall towards the cobblestones. I grasped onto (a lower) tree branch and held on as tight as I could. “Help me!!! Someone, please!!” My hands began to sweat, and I began to lose my grip onto the branch. (The ground looked miles away from my feet.) I started to cry and my chin begin to quiver, (but) I couldn't let go, I couldn't. My hands (were drenched in sweat), I (was going to slip!). I (lost my grip) and (watched the ground come nearer and nearer). I was sure I was going to die, (and I forced my eyes shut). (Instead of hitting the ground,) I felt something grab the back of my shirt and hoist me up to one of the apples. I smiled, impressed at whatever was picking me up and grabbed the apple. This (UFO) lowered me to the ground softly and spun me around. It was a guy who looked like he was (in his early forties). He was wearing gray armor, wielding a sword with a red cloth hanging from it. He also had (another) red cloth hanging from his armor.

“Hi. I saw you in the apple tree, and I figured you were to trying to get an apple, right?” he said.

I shook my head and smiled. He grabbed the apple, wiped it off and handed it back to me. I took a bite of the (delicious fruit) and felt the juice run down my chin, and I smiled.

“My name is Ogi son. Aren’t you Daniel...(or as they say "armor thief?)”

I stopped nibbling on my apple and frowned. “Yes...but I...do it because...I need money to buy food...since I am on my own.”

Ogi rubbed his chin, (his forehead creasing), then suddenly smiled. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. “Tell you what Daniel, You can live with me and I will teach you how to be a blacksmith like me.”

My ears perked up at hearing this. My spirit lifted and my heart swelled. “Really Mr.Ogi?? You would do that for an armor thief like me?”

“Of course son. It’s the least I can do for you since you have nowhere to go.” (he replied.)

I hugged Ogi and smiled. From now on....I knew I would be cared for.

-------------------------------------
Try to use less verbs like "to be - am, was, were, is, and others".
Also, try to use other words (synonyms) like for 'red' and 'apple'.
Other than that, this was great! Is it going to be a short story or a novel??
The stuff in the parentheses is the stuff I added. you don't have to change anything, it's just some suggestions.


User Comments: [1]
 
 
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