heart heart heart SO, YOU WANT TO WRITE TEH BEST YAOI EVARR??!11?
HOW TO WRITE A BL COMIC--ER, MANGA STORY
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You love to see boys doing the nasty. You love to write about boys doing the nasty. Maybe you love to draw boys doing the nasty. HEY, U NOE WAT??! Maybe you should write a yaoi web comic.
All the cool kids are doing it. And if you do it right, you can become Teh Popularz. Because everyone likes to see men getting it on. And if they don’t, they’re probably douche bags. You know that, and I know that.
All you need are a few basic guidelines, DESU~ I have used my Genius Typing Skillz to create a point system for writing your own BL story.
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PART ONE: PLOT
…Throw it away.
Yaoi is about SEX, you dumbshit. The more plot you have, the more the reader is distracted from your seme and uke’s sexy burning passion. God. MINUS 25 POINTS.
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PART TWO: THE UKE
The uke is like, the MAIN HEROINE--ER, HERO--So he’s gotta be the BEST EVAR CHARACTER!! <3
There are two basic types of uke.
1: The girly-boy cuddly-puff crybaby needy uke (10 POINTS)
2: The emo tragic ‘no-no-yes-yes’ angst-a-fyed uke (10 POINTS)
-He is always younger than the seme. (5 POINTS)
-He MUST be shorter than the seme, or else that would be PHYSICALLY AND MORALLY WRONG. Give yourself 5 POINTS for if he is short (another additional point if he is super-kawaii-desu short) And MINUS 20 POINTS if he is the same height of the seme or taller.
-He must have the BEST EVAR sense of style. (10 POINTS if it is something designer or super-unique and expensive looking, with 5 additional points for each different special costume!)
-If you cannot describe your uke’s hair in 15 or more adjectives, then you FAIL AT LIFE. GOT IT? Your uke’s hair must be cascading, fluffy, luxurious, cleanly-groomed, god(dess)like, delicious, maybe a copy of your favorite J-POP stars. (5 POINTS PER ADJECTIVE.) If it is an unnatural color like Shocking Pink, Romantic Purple, or a mixture of at least seventeen different colors; add an extra 10 POINTS.
-Crossdressing is a must. Add 20 POINTS for every time he dresses as a schoolgirl, maid, bride, et cetera. Trust me, it turns people on.
*****IMPORTANT!!! NO CHARACTER IN A YAOI MANGA, BUT ESPECIALLY THE UKE CAN HAVE ANY BODY HAIR. I AM SERIOUS. IF YOU GIVE YOUR BOY PUBES, PIT HAIR, OR CHEST HAIR; YOU SUCK AND NEED TO BE SHOT. REAL MEN DON’T HAVE BODY HAIR. AND GAY MEN HATE MEN WITH BODY HAIR. BUT ESPECIALLY THE 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS WHO ARE YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE HATE BODY HAIR. If your characters have no body hair, add 5 POINTS. If they do, you sick c**t; MINUS 17 POINTS.*****
TYPE ONE UKES must ******** love the color PINK. Because guys who like it up the a** love that kind of stuff. (5 POINTS) (Give yourself an additional 10 POINTS if his hair is pink--Because that is found in nature, dontcha-know.)
-They must wear short shorts, tight pants, hooded sweatshirts with bunny ears, super-colorful stripes and polka-dots, glittery sneakers, baggy sweaters, lace, womens underwear, hearts, ANYTHING that looks like it came out of The Limited Too. The cuter, the better. (15 POINTS)
-All ukes dress like girls, but yours has to at LEAST once a chapter. (10 POINTS)
-Even if (I mean, WHEN) your uke gets raped; he must remain ultra-positive afterwards and not want to be a trouble to anyone. He is always all-smiles and giggling and sparkly. (10 POINTS for optimistic outlook on life, 5 POINTS for each additional panel he sparkles in or has flowery glitter screen tone used.)
-But at the same time, he is a huge crybaby. Seriously, he needs to cry and wail and b***h and moan AT LEAST once a chapter. (15 POINTS) --If your uke doesn’t have a habit of crying over every little thing, he fails as a character because nobody can relate to him. It’s TEARS or GTFO.
-He must be skinny, wimpy, and anorexic-looking. No muscles or anything. Defend himself? HA! That’s what the seme is for, idiot! (10 POINTS)
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TYPE TWO UKES are all about gothic, black, emo, gloom, and doom. All ukes must have a TRAGIC BACKSTORY; but this type of uke must be even MOAR TRAGIC. (30 POINTS for added drama.)
*****IMPORTANT: IF YOUR UKE DOES NOT HAVE A BACK STORY INVOLVING RAPE, CHILD ABUSE, RAPE, SEX SLAVERY, RAPE, EVIL CATHOLIC PARENTS WHO CAN’T SUPPORT THEIR HOMOSEXUAL FUNTIEMS, MORE RAPE, OR SOME FORM OF A BROKEN HOME/TRAGIC MURDER OF FAMILY MEMBER/RAPE YOUR STORY SUCKS BALLS.*****
(Note how many times I put ‘rape’ in there? GOOD! Rape is important in yaoi. It’s how people who want to screw your uke (meaning everyone) practically shakes hands. You must have at least 5 rape scenes for a short story.) 10 POINTS for each time this le tragical deed is done.
-Type two ukes have to be depressed over their tragic abusive/rape-filled past, to the point where they sit around and sigh and cry and write emo poetry all day. (15 POINTS for that whole scenario.) Bonus 5 POINTS if they write songs on their guitar for their angst. Because all the best homosexuals are in a band, like the best yaoi EVARR Gravitation.
-His hair must cover part of his face, to showcase his inner turmoil. (5 POINTS)
-His eyes, LIKE ALL YAOI CHARACTERS EYES; must be big and watery and colorful and sparkly. (15 POINTS) With Type Two uke eyes, they must reflect his inner turmoil. (5 POINTS) --And BONUS 20 POINTS if the seme falls in love with him because his eyes are ‘so mysterious and full of pain. (additional 5 POINTS for any unnatural colors used, like pink or purple or red.)
-He only buys his clothes from Hot Topic, because that’s where all the gothic kids shop. The more layers, skulls, skinny-jeans, piercing, Converse Sneakers, dinosaurs, stripes, or Tragic Phrases and band t-shirts he owns, the better. (12 POINTS)
-WAIT--OOH OOH OOH he CUTS HIMSELF. (10 POINTS) because putting a tragic depressive disorder like cutting in a BL manga is going to totally make you look like you seriously care about things like this--trust me; it WON’T look like you’re using an illness as an excuse for tragedy and end up making a horrible act of self-mutilation look like a stupid teenage media fad. Trust me. It will help readers relate to him, and maybe even take up cutting themselves because you are just that influential.
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MORE ON UKE ROLES
-’Uke’ means ‘cute little guy who gets it up the a**.’ If you draw him dishing the love or actually on the top, you have no idea how sex works. If you draw him on the top, you seriously need to study your yaoi a little better. (MINUS 20 POINTS.)
-They love sweets and cake. And never get fat from it. (5 POINTS) Fat ukes are disgusting and hideous. (MINUS OVER 9000 POINTS) Their kawaii desu metabolism and constant sex takes care of that.
-Bonus 5 POINTS if they love to bake and cook. So kawaii little housewife desu~
-Did I mention they cry a lot? (5 MOAR POINTS)
-Ukes are born gay. (20 POINTS) Semes are born bi. Ukes turn semes gay (15 POINTS) and tend to get raped because the seme is pissed that they are now a hinder to society (40 POINTS) --But they somehow end up together anyway, because THAT’S GRAVITA… LOVE. (15 POINTS)
-Your uke must fall ill or pass out at least a dozen times during the story, so his seme can protect and tend to him while he is all dreamily in pain. (30 POINTS) even if it seems like it is for no reason, it is. It’s so the story can progress, you fool! This is a technique even TEH PRO’Z use.
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PART THREE: THE SEME
The seme is a b*****d--I mean, Knight in Shining Armor!! Like the uke, there are two types of seme…
1: The classic bad-boy-from-the-bad-side-of-town seme who is bad news and a rumored bad guy in general, but has a heart of gold under his sexy expressionless face (10 POINTS)
2: Same as the above, only a clean-cut professional like a doctor or a CEO or a schoolteacher (SHOTA RAEP, AMIRITE?) who is strong and silent with a heart of gold, only he is uber rich and likes to rape. (10 POINTS.)
-ALL semes are the ‘strong, silent’ type. (20 POINTS) Who needs emotion or personality when you are THAT EFFING HAWT?? Not your seme!! He speaks with his p***s; which penetrates the uke at least almost all the time. (5 POINTS)
-They are tall. And sexy. (5 POINTS) If your seme is short, go hang yourself because no one wants to read about a short seme. (MINUS 75 POINTS)
-Their hair must be silky and luxurious, but with a sense of class. (20 POINTS) Always stays in place, unless he is the Type One seme; who must have SEXY TOUSLED RAWK STARR HAIR. (15 POINTS) Oh bed head; how sexy your unseemliness is~
-They must be heartless and cruel to the main uke, no matter how many times he throws himself at Mr. Seme. (20 POINTS) --because nice guys finish last, amirite? TH-THAT IS, UNTIL YOUR UKE IS RAPED BY ANOTHER DUDE; THEN HE GOES BERSERK AND RESCUES HIS UKE BECAUSE IT’S HEROIC AND s**t--(20 POINTS)--BONUS POINTS IF HE TAKES THE UKE RIGHT TO BED (20 POINTS) --How sweet~! Don’t you want a guy JUST like that??
TYPE ONE SEMES Must have that dirty ‘from the bad side of the town’ look to them, but, you know; in a not totally ICKY way. (5 POINTS)
-He is all emo and bastardous because of HIS tragic past where someone he love died (10 POINTS) he killed someone he loved/a ton of people/WAS A HARD-TIMED CRIMINAL (20 POINTS) or he has a stiff-shirted daddy who wants him to conform to his family’s nasty mainstream ways. (30 POINTS, because what normal guy born into a super-rich family wouldn’t want to run away and live in a crappy apartment and ride a motorcycle and contract AIDS because of his life in the brothel?)
*****NOTE: ALL SEMES MUST HAVE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY TO THROW AROUND ON FANCY CARS BIG ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX IN, APARTMENTS IN A PENTHOUSE SUITE, VACATION HOMES IN TOKYO, OR POUNDS OF CAKE FOR HIS TOTALLY CUTE UKE. (40 POINTS) A POOR SEME MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.*****(MINUS 40 POINTS)
-He NEVAR cries, until just the right moment where his dramatic past is revealed (5 POINTS) or when his uke is brought to a near-death/rape situation where he could not protect him (10 POINTS) --because he’s tough, but oh-so broken inside… I’m tearing up right now, I dunno about you!! TTATTdesu
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TYPE TWO SEMES always wear business suits with ties (10 POINTS) because A) It makes them look MATURE AND HAWT and B) without a tie; how could he restrain his uke’s limbs to the desk…?
-He is a bondage fetishist because tying up innocent young men to get what you want is TRE ROMANTICALLY SMEXIII. <3 (10 POINTS) your manga, even if it is a one-shot; must have at LEAST one hardcore bondage sex scene with a few other mini-ones sprinkled throughout the story.
-He holds a position of power, like a professor (if the uke is a student, because the law needs to STFU of romance/rape) or a scientist (lab coat=50 POINTS) or the totally big music producer that the uke wants to be labled under, yeah! (20 POINTS)
-If he wears glasses, that UPS his sexy factor; because TYPE 2 SEMES look best as KICHIKU MEGANE. (15 POINTS) (If you are 18 or over, google it; you ‘ho.) Because semes who wear glasses mean that they are smart and hard working, but really like to rape. Romantic, no?
*****ADD 5 ADDITIONAL POINTS FOR EACH TIME YOUR SEMES GLASSES FOG OVER WITH AN EERIE GLOW OF LUST. THIS IS A MUST HAVE AT LEAST 15 TIMES A CHAPTER.****
-Like I said above; the seme always starts out bisexual. (15 POINTS) So your poor uke can angst over him being out with girls and hating on the queers. ;_; (20 POINTS) BUT SINCE YOUR UKE IS SO SPECIAL, THEIR LOVE TRANCENDS GENDERS AND THEY FALL IN LOVE/HAVE SEX ANYWAY. (10 POINTS)
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MORE ON SEME ROLES
-They always have some sort of nasty habit like smoking or drinking or drugs or having a ******** potty mouth (le gasp) but never seem to suffer any lung damage or unattractive drunken stupor aside from a bigger will to rape. (20 POINTS PER ADDICTION.) IF A SEME DOES NOT AT LEAST DRINK OR SMOKE, HE IS A PANSY AND THUS A FALIURE AS A SEME.
-Semes are never the one to be penetrated. Seme means ‘hot guy who sticks it in.’ So why, pray tell; would you draw HIM on the bottom?? MINUS 40 Points if you dare to defy the laws of nature and homosexuality; because that is totally NOT how real homosexual relationships work.
-His eyes are never wide and sparkly. Dumbass. It is in a semes GENETIC MAKEUP that his eyes are cold and narrow, they penetrate the soul and have a dull shine that seems like morse code for ‘I WILL FEEL YOU UP NOW. (20 POINTS)
-The less personality the better. REMEMBER: all you need for a seme is lust, sexiness, and a tall-dark-silent-handsome exterior. (10 POINTS)
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PART FOUR: THE ART
The art is the most important part, because everyone knows good/mediocre kawaii art>actual plot. But not everyone is super-great at art. So, what do you do?
YOU DO NOT TRY TO IMPROVE YOUR ART. (10 POINTS)
You don’t NEED to, silly! Who needs tutorials or practice or anatomy studies when you’ve got a YAOI comic…? All you need is…
1: Screw backgrounds and scenery (20 POINTS) because all people care about is the hot mansekks, anyway.
2: NEVER draw any part of the body lower than the crotch/p***s; because legs and feet are too much effort unless they are on the bed/kitchen floor having sex. (10 POINTS) --But still, never draw the feet (5 POINTS) and find any excuse humanly possible to hide drawing hands. (10 POINTS)
3: The more glitter and flowers, the better. It makes up for lack of background; and the girls/homosexual men who will SURELY be reading your comic will LOVE it. (30 POINTS)
4: If you can’t get up a comic page at least 5 times a week (If hosting on a web comic/manga site) then put up a buttload of sexy FILLER art of the characters so that people stay interested and can worship your art. >w0 (10 POINTS per filler page, ohoho~)
5: You only need to learn how to draw three emotions for the two main characters.
UKE: Teary and sobby (5 POINTS) glittery romantical (5 POINTS) And orgasm face. (30 POINTS!!!)
SEME: …TRICK QUESTION!!! > biggrin Everyone knows that the seme has no emotion! If you were almost tricked into drawing new expressions for your seme like sad or hungry or longingly; MINUS 70 POINTS FOR YOU. I suggest you watch Moar Gravi. Or at the very least, Okane Ga Nai.
*****BONUS 20 POINTS FOR IF YOU ACTUALLY DRAW THE p***s. IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE ANATOMICALLY CORRECT. IT JUST HAS TO BE THERE. WE LIVE IN AMERICA, SO UNLIKE JAPAN; WE CAN LEGALLY PRODUCE POORLY-DRAWN PORNOGRAPHY.*****
-Remember when they have sex (meaning the multiple times they have sex) To make it as c**-filled, wet, dripping, and moist as possible. Out of every single opening. On their mouths, crotches, hands, faces, assholes, backs, the ceiling… You don’t have to know what it looks like or even where it comes from. All you have to know is WETTER IS BETTER. (80 POINTS.)
-You don’t need anatomy skills so long as you can draw shiny desu animu eyes. They are the windows to the soul; so you can just use EYES as substitutes for anatomy, expression, background, or even camera angles. Eyes tell it all!!! HAVE AS MANY FACE-SHOT CLOSE UPS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. (30 POINTS)
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PART FIVE: YAOI BASICS
There are a few things you need to make the BEST EVARR yaoi comikku.
1: NO FEMALES. (50 POINTS) This is what the beauty is of an all-boys school. Women do not exist.
2: If you MUST have a female, it must be either a super-awesome BFF gal-pal who roots for your main uke and comes up with all sorts of KA-RAYYY-ZEE schemes to get him together with Mr. Right. (30 POINTS) Fangirls LOVE this, because it reminds them of their real life where they lovingly hook up their best gay friends.
3: Any other female has gotta be a horrible b***h who gets in the way of your uke by whoring onto the seme. (20 POINTS per)
4: You need a mascot character animal that shows up on every chapter cover/t-shirt/filler page, despite the fact that it adds little to nothing to the actual plot. (10 POINTS) Extra 5 POINTS if it is something super kawaii like a bunny, a teddy-bear, or a cat. <3 Don’t be afraid to rip off of other authors designs!!
5: THE MOAR YOUR SERIES REMINDS PEOPLE OF THE STORY OR CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES ‘GRAVITATION’ THE BETTER. It is the most famous best yaoi evarr and everyone loves it, so why wouldn’t they love YOUR series? (50 POINTS)
6: Cat ears = WIN. If your main uke or cast resembles that of Loveless’ ‘Ritsuka,’ people will ooh and awe at his cuteness. Cat ears save a failing manga. (20 POINTS)
7: The more kidnapping, the better. Have someone kidnap your uke at least 7 times; especially if rape ensues. (20 POINTS) Extra 20 POINTS for every time your strong seme rescues him.
8: If your story is set in Japan like all the POPULAR yaoi; your story will be THAT MUCH BETTER. (50 POINTS) Be sure to add in REAL JAPANESE like ‘hai!’ ‘kawaii!’ ‘aishiteru!’ and ‘sugoi!’ or ‘BAKA!’ for extra accuracy. Nobody will ever be able to tell you are not Japanese.
9: Two words: All-boys’ school. (30 POINTS) Be sure to have a super-sexy uniform.
10: Make sure that your uke at least is an otaku, you know; someone who LOVES Naruto or yaoi or video games like Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts and s**t. All your readers will be weea--…otaku; so if your characters LOVE the animus they will SQUEE at the sight of your character playing KH2 or having Sephiroths’ Theme on his cell phone! (50 POINTS)
11: Incest is not gross. It is beautiful. Put in some siblings bangin’ each other. (30 POINTS)
12: Giving your main cast Japanese names, even if they are 100% WHITE; makes your story more exotic and sexy. You will be flooded with comments like “I LOVE HIS NAME.” Remember, kiddoes: American Names Suck a**. (30 POINTS per Japanese person or Japanese name, you winful little artist you.)
13: Did I mention to put rape in your comic? (10 MOAR POINTS)
14: Parents generally get in the way of having fun sextiems; so the safest bet to do is to kill them off by making your characters orphans. (50 POINTS, le tragic!) This can also lead into being raised by a Foster Parent who abuses, neglects, and--you guessed it--RAPES your character. (40 POINTS)
15: If death is too tragic for you to write about; make it a single parent who is never around because maybe he or she is a prostitute or a whore or an alcoholic. (50 POINTS.)
16: That, or make your character come from a broken home full of incest, rape, abuse, divorce and the like. People relate to that s**t, because it’s serious business. (50 POINTS)
17: A main theme of your yaoi must be that everyone else thinks that buttsekks is wrong, because gay people are evil. Your main characters love eventually, though through MUCH TRAGEDY; changes their minds because true love/rape conquers all. (70 POINTS)
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TIME TO TALLY YOUR SCORE
1000+: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED IN CREATING THE BEST YAOI EVARR, DESU!! EXPECT PUBLISHING DEALS AND HORDES OF FANGIRLS, ‘COZ YOU, MY FRIEND; GOT GAME.
999-500: OK, so you’re getting there… but you still probably need more rape… just add a few more sex scenes and glittery screen tone; you’ll be pro in no time. <3
499-200: Your story is in danger of being LAME and TOTALLY NOT KEWL. At this level, you will get NO fans/watchers. But you have promise for picking out the things that people like to read about, like cute ukes and cool semes. Trust your instincts and sell your soul to the cliché!! Cliché is French for ‘kawaii’ ^_^
199-50: You suck. You fail. I bet it’s even NOTHING LIKE Gravitation. Do yourself a favor and just start the whole thing over while you still can, got it? Before you get too attached to that crap!
50-negative 9000: HOLY ******** WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU??!?!!11 THIS IS UTTER CRAP!! WHAT KIND OF SELF-RESPECTING YAOI MANGAKADESU COULD POSSIBLY GET A SCORE SO LOW??! GTFO AND KILL IT WITH FIRE!! OMGBBQSTFU YOU’RE BETTER OFF JUST BURNING IT WITH FIRE AND THEN SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE. BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DISGUSTINGLY BAD AT THIS.
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--I hope you all got good scores, tee-hee! And don’t worry if your score is TOO low; because you can always try again and turn to this ULTIMATE YAOI GUIDE for advice. I’m sure in no time, you will have created a masterpiece worthy of being called a Yaoi Manga.
***DISCLAIMER***
--This guide is meant for entertainment purposes ONLY. If you follow this guide seriously, the consequences are not to be blamed by Divs or THE BEST YAOI GUIDE EVARR.
.............Thank you.
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