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I'm a very confused person. I hate all kinds of debate, no matter how trivial. I hate talking about anything important. I am mainly friends with the friends i have now for a good laugh. I don't feel that's right but i don't want to just drop them. I hate school, but i know it's important. I want to be a rebel, but i hate getting in trouble. I'm not even sure what i'm writing about right now.
I want a boyfriend, and I was recently asked out here. There's this guy that I like outside the computer though, so i don't know what to do and i have no one to turn to!
I keep to myself a lot. Today, i think I've spoken all of maybe twenty sentences, and i've been awake for 13 1/2 hours.
I don't want to kill myself, but i'm not going to be upset when death comes. To me, you die when you die. Nothing you can do will change that. And really, with the way the world is going now, I would almost rather die.
My school friends can be pretty rough, and I don't mind that. But I don't mind the gentleness and kindness of my churchfriends either. I'm having trouble figuring out which to turn to for anything.
I can't turn to anyone for anything. I'm not close to anyone. If something happens to me and I need to tell someone, I don't know who I'd tell. That scares me.
I like being rough and mean with my friends, but I also like being kind and gentle with my other friends. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be.
I probably sound very emo or something right now.
When I think of my future, i think of happiness as a writer. when I think of reality, i think of nothing but bills and being in debt.
I think i just had an ephinany:
I hate reality.
I like life, but I hate reality. I like fantasy and adventure and even the past! I hate the present reality. I like things that aren't real. I love magic; watching it, not knowing the secret. I like things that can't be explained. the good stuff though, not the bad.
Maybe now I can have a happy life, just so long as I pretend that reality is fantasy, and fantasy is reality.