Onto part two of the first episode of Captain Planet.
So in the last ten minutes, the spirit of the earth had woken up from a 100 year slumber to discover that the humans were polluting the world, so she sent five magic rings to five teenagers from North America, South America, Africa, Asia, and the Soviet Union, all of whom surprisingly enough spoke fluent English. The rings each have magic powers depending on their element. Fire sets fires, water drags water from the nearest source, earth makes cracks form in the ground, wind summons up breezes, and heart gives you psychic powers. All of the rings are voice-activated. After the first initial test of their powers, the teenagers, dubbed the 'Planeteers', flew off in a Planet-Plane they got from... somewhere to go stop an elven pig-man with an orange mohawk and his buck-toothed sidekick from stealing oil from a wildlife preserve, using the world's most unstealthy, leaky, and overall inefficient oil-stealing machine that I have ever seen in my life.
You following so far?
OK, so when we open up to part two, the Planeteers are flying around, wheee, it's cool being a superhero. For whatever reason, Linka wishes Gaia was with them. Matee, who I suspect has been reading the script or something since he not only knew his powers without being told about them beforehand, he also informs Linka that Gaia is with them, and uses his heart powers to prove, by saying 'HEART!' and summoning up a gigantic face of Gaia to talk to them.
I believe I speak for everyone when I say "ZOMG GIANT GAIA HEAD TALKING TO US ARGH WTF"
The Giant head then says "Sorry folks, I have to stay on Hope Island for some unspecified reason even though the bunker I was previously sleeping in was obviously pretty far from your current destination considering you have to fly to it. But I'll be with you in spirit at least!" Wheeler isn't buying it however, and says "Fat lot of good that'll do us in a firefight!" I'm not sure if 'fire fight' is entirely the phrase an 80's Brooklyn teenager would use, but it serves to further drive in the point that the rings are voice activated when Wheeler accidentally sets the floor on fire.
So the rings, as well as being voice-activated, don't have any apparent means of control and can't discern between when you mean it? Only you sort of can control it judging from the way they've been using it so far, but the writers have yet to establish how you control it. Is it some sort of mental thing?
Anyway, Gi puts out the fire and then the Giant Head shows up again, and basically says, "Don't give up etc." BUT! What if they can't handle a situation? "Well..." Gaia says. "Just put your powers together!" How the hell are they supposed to do that? Do they say, 'Put our powers together!' or something? Anyway, she finishes up with "Then you'll really be surprised." Putting their powers together will summon Captain Planet by the way. Yep, I just spoiled that oh so big surprise. Or at least, I would have if they hadn't spoiled it in the very beginning of the episode.
Suddenly they encounter the plot! Spotting the oil rig thing, Gi prepares to land on it, while Piggy-Wiggy's sidekick points out the plane and muses that maybe their oil rig isn't so Solid Snake after all. Well, minus the last bit. Oh, and on top of being a pig/elf/punk Piggy-Wiggy is also a snake. Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself.
SEE?! Really, who the hell is this guy, why does he look like a frigging mutant, and how the HELL did anyone give him the sources necessary to build this crapsack oil rig?!
Oh well, back to the issue at hand. Piggy-Wiggy somehow guesses that the Planet-Plane is not affiliated with the Coast Guard, probably because he's run into them before, but is not intimidated and decides that the best way to deal with the issue is to spray oil at them.
Wait, let me repeat that. He controls the machine so it will pick up a hose, then he proceeds to spray oil at the Planet-Plane.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISH?!
Apparently spraying a plane with Oil will jam the controls however, as the group begins to fall to their doom. Screaming ensues. "That'll teach you to interfere with the polluted plans of Hoggish Greedly!" Piggy-Wiggy says. Wait a second... how does he know they were going to interfere? For all he knew, they could have been scientists or military testing new aircraft, pleasure cruisers, anything and yet he sends them to their death or at any rate, injury, in spite of this! I guess having been born a hideous mutant drove this guy insane?
Fortunately Wheeler burns the plane's door off (Is it just me, or are a lot of the things he sets fire to not traditionally flammable things?) thus allowing Linka to access the wind outside which she reshapes into a mini-twister strong enough to hold up the plane and float it down to a platform that Kwami hauls up out of the water.
Did he just make a chunk of the ground float up to the top or something?
Piggy-Wiggy's observing sidekick is understandably freaked out by this, but Piggy-Wiggy takes it in stride, because he can tell they're just kids, so "He can handle them." Which makes me wonder if he knew they were kids when he tried to kill them. Wow... Piggy-Wiggy's actually pretty evil, if not the sharpest cookie.
So using a shout-microphone-thing-device-I-can't-recall-the-name-of, Piggy-Wiggy essentially says, "Who the hell are you?" Wheeler gets out his own shout-microphone-thing-device-I-can't-remember-the-name-of, and says, "We're the Planeteers. And you're a freak. So once we get this boat over here set up, we're going to come over there and beat the crap out of you. And if you send any oil over I'll use my powers against it!" Yep, he'll set fire to the oil raining down on them. Good idea Wheeler! Yep, he sure knows how to diplomatically communicate with psychopaths.
So instead Piggy-Wiggy threatens to spray down the animals if they try anything.
Um, correct me if I'm wrong here, but in the actual episode Wheeler says he can vaporize the oil Piggy-Wiggy sprays at them so they won't be harmed. Yet Wheeler is somehow incapable of destroying the same oil if sprayed towards the animals?
I dunno, maybe the Planeteers just aren't very bright.
So the situation is this: Every second they delay is another second for the shore to get more polluted. So they need to stop Piggy-Wiggy ASAP. But if they make any obvious attempts to stop him, or even move from their current position, Piggy-Wiggy will probably attempt to drown the local wildlife in oil.
So dear reader, any potential solution you can think of to this? Besides the evaporation thing Wheeler suggested? Remember, you need to get a guaranteed one as quickly as possible.
They quickly remember that Gaia suggested they try combining their powers, and after a quick discussion (Shall we? Yes.) they begin.
So they stick out their hands and shout out their element. (EARTH! WIND! ETC!)
A bunch of sparkly... stuff, shoots out from... somewhere.
It is quickly replaced by a blue humanoid glowing shape doing the Y of YMCA.
Yes, I know the picture of naked Captain Planet is not a uniform size with the rest. Just roll with it, OK?
Now we have miss-sized picture of clothed Captain Planet. Although it's more re-colored looking due to the skin-tightness.
He shouts out "With your powers combined... I am CAPTAIN PLANET!" The Planeteers cheer him on, and as he flies past I attempt to catch his face this time.
I fail miserably. Again.
...Nice belt.
Thankfully the animators saw fit to actually concentrate on his face rather then have his body quickly zoom past. Captain Planet certainly looks... like a Superhero.
Piggy-Wiggy's observing sidekick is understandably freaked out, again. Piggy-Wiggy on the other hand, takes it in fair stride and concludes they should run away.
So Captain Planet flies over to the Planeteers and expositions at them. He explains that while he's summoned up, their powers are unusable. OK, makes sense. So he'll go take care of Piggy-Wiggy while they help the animals.
Um, how? They're stranded on the platfor- Right, they had a boat with them that we saw earlier.
...Where the hell did that boat come from anyway?
So first up, Captain Planet has to put all the oil back into the ground, by doing... this.
So he's swirling around the oil, leaving a stream of white glowy essence du Captain Planet behind him, thus creating a whirlpool dragging all the oil back into the ground. Then he seals it off with a gigantic ******** rock he just happened to find. He swims off to go fight Piggy-Wiggy, swims back when he remembers the oil pipe thing is still there, then swims off again carrying it.
No, he doesn't use it as a weapon against Piggy-Wiggy. He throws it out.
So Piggy-Wiggy's machine grabs him in one hand. and stabs him with a random stabby device that happened to be installed in the other hand. This probably won't make that much sense unless you've watched the episode yourself. Anyway, it doesn't kill him.
So we pan the camera over to Piggy-Wiggy's sidekick, who is shocked, then back over to Captain Planet, who has tied up the metallic arms somehow in the ten seconds the audience had their back turned. He flies back to where Piggy-Wiggy's sidekick is seated, and I just noticed that Captain Planet sheds sparkles wherever he flies, rips open the machine, picks up Piggy-Wiggy's sidekick, and throws him into the garbage can.
So where is he going to put Piggy-Wiggy?
So Captain Planet breaks into Piggy-Wiggy's chamber and says, "I'mma kick your a** now." But Piggy-Wiggy's all like, "Oh no you don't!" And sprays more oil at Captain Planet.
Again, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISH?!
Does Piggy-Wiggy seriously think that it'll somehow help?! WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THAT?! Is that how he tries to SOLVE EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM?!
Judge: Mr. Piggy-Wiggy, unless you can prove you weren't stealing oil, you'll go to prison for a bazillion years.
Piggy-Wiggy: Uh... I CAN DEAL WITH THIS! *Sprays the court with oil*
Besides, this guy WASN'T HURT BY THE OIL DRILL STABBING HIM, AND JUST BURST THROUGH THE SOLID METAL FLOOR WITH NO APPARENT SIGN OF DAMAGE.
How, how, HOW the hell does Piggy-Wiggy think this will work?! It can't possibly-
-Except it does work somehow. Captain Planet screeches in pain, stumbles backwards through the hole in the floor, falls through the sky, and lands on the ground with an unceremonious thud, completely immobilized.
..How does oil, a completely natural substance, hurt Captain Planet? I mean, it's like having the protector of humanity be allergic to oxygen! I can understand needing to give Captain Planet a weakness, but this... this is ******** daft.
Anyway, the Planeteers run over and Captain Planet mumbles that the oil is draining his strength. Uh, Gi, we'd never have guessed by the way you went down like a rock when you got sprayed with the oil.
So Kwami attempts to lift Captain Planet, but can't, but some of the oil slides off the golden globe on his chest and it starts glowing. I repeat, the golden globe is glowing. I don't find that ridiculous, really, I just like the way it sounds. Glowing golden globe. Golden glowing globe. Globey golden glow.
So Gi and Linka are sent away to fetch water to clean him off, and Piggy-Wiggy turns the machine around to step on our heroes. Fortunately, Wheeler shares Captain Planet's talents for summoning giant ******** rocks out of nowhere.
So Wheeler, Kwami, and Matee roll the rock over to Captain Planet to prevent him from being crushed by the machine's foot steps. But uh, if it was small enough they could roll it over, how come it just doesn't get smashed under the foot of the machine?
OK, well it does start getting smashed, but fortunately Linka and Gi pop up with Linka's vest used as an improvised bucket, which they dump over Captain Planet, cleaning off his glowing golden globe, and recharging him. He then teleports from underneath the foot, marvels over how good he feels, and flies off to beat up Piggy-Wiggy. I just hope he doesn't think to use the oil again, all I'm sayin'.
Well, actually Captain Planet smashes the machine's legs, making it fall over and break. Then he flies in to beat up Piggy-Wiggy. But as it turns out, Piggy-Wiggy has made his escape somehow and has escaped to a tunnel that just happened to be installed in one of the nearby cliffs. Probably made by the same people who threw random rocks all over the place.
So he swears to be a reoccurring villain for another episode, and Captain Planet and the Planeteers settle down to have a nice chat.
Part 3 to come out later.
<3
