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Alright I'm not too sure if i should be writting in this thing but who cares ii need to get it out.

I love Iram. to death. and having him take on soeone else hurts more than i can bear sometimes. its like i cant breathe. i know its my own damn fault for not calling or talking very much. but why couldnt he wait? i waited for him....

the person he's with isn't all that bad. hes very nice. i like him. he makes me feel a lil better..

i just feel bad because i feel like theres nothing that is iram and mines anymore. it's like.. i cant se iram face to face, and i dont have gaia. and now he and his boy toy are calling eachother a lot. so i feel like i cant even call him. i feel so inadequite.

i feel horrible because i know i cant tell him these things. i know if i do he'll get angry. and tell me ow i did it to myself. and how this is the kinda s**t he hates about me.

it hurts to keep it in but it hurts to let it out....

i feel like im slowly dying from the inside. Like someone gave me the worng kinda medication and im reacting to it and i dont even know it....

part of me wants him to read my journal so that once and for all he'll be able to see how i feel. but i know he wont. he never does. nor will he ever. ...

I kinda want to delete my signature. maybe even give up gaia. I know that i cant though. theres some part of me thats hoping he'll come back. hope he'll realize i still love him. but i know im grasping at straws.

So now im right where i started all confused and pained inside.

sometimes when they both talk to me at the same time it hurts and they dont even know it. Iram gives me the cold shoulder trying to show the boy that he likes him more. and all i can see is what i'll never have again. I know the new boy isnt hurting me inteltionally.

hes a nice boy.

i worry though about iram. he might do it intentionally. as sorta a way of getting back at me for not showing up. or perhaps to show me how much he's displeased with me.

I feel horrible because all the things that we used to do together, iram is dong them with the boy. I feel like he doesnt need me anymore. I've told him this before but he says nothings changed. and nothing will change. Of course nothing will change, if the change already happened.

i can see a picture in my head of the three of us. it starts out with iram happy with me and maybe even hugging me. but then shifting to tha boy. and then im left sitting there as a third wheel. no one needs a third wheel..

I wonder if iram knows hes cutting me out of his life? He told me once that people just sorta gravitate away from him. perhaps they dont really gravitate away, perhaps he pushes. At least with me it feels like pushes. He says i never made a commitment to call him and therefore i should pay. but he never tried to call me. So why should i hurt so much?

Idon't get it.

i probably never will

Ill just be the way i always am.

a stupid little girl, waiting for her destiny, knowing that whatever i want will never happen.

knowing that the fate placed before me is harsh, real, and suffocating.

and knowing that no matter what i do, i was born alone and will die as such.

perhaps i should buy a few cats.... just to even out the irony...