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It's so weird how I can still remember my FIRST crush, way back in [late] 1st Grade. He was my best friend, and it was just-- now that I look back at it, I think, wow... that was weird!!! His name was Matt. We had lunch-detention [yes detention in 1st grade -******** sick!-]. Crushes, are so ... awkward. When I was younger [9-12/13 yrs old] I used to make crushes awkward. It was either,

1. I like him, and I'm going to admire from a distance, and ONLY tell my friends until one of them rn over to him and tell him. [Which, happened A LOT.]

or

2. Pull a Helga From Hey Arnold! I'd pretend to hate him and be a b***h, [lol].

Now, though, If I like a guy, I'm not the type to hide it anymore. And it's cuz, im A LOT more confident about myself. Call me narcissistic if that makes you feel better. But I feel pretty. Heck! I know I'm pretty. I just dont think im Miss Universe. [lawl] BUT, This is a WHOLE other topic.

SO, now I'll give you a good example. The last REAL* crush I had was back in December 2007. My Freshmen Year. It's weirder that before I started to like him I used to really DISlike him..

Everyday, I'd hang out with DPK [i'll explain later] And He was always the one who stood out to me. I used to glare at him when he wasn't looking. I had an eerie feeling about him. And I didn't like him AT ALL. But...it's because, I REALLY didn't know who he was. All I knew was his name, and some of his past. And I just judged him on that and his aura when he's around me [bad vibe]. He eventually gained my trust after he helped me [longer story, explain later, blah blah blah]. Then little by little he tried to talk to me. And at first I wasn't inviting in the least bit. But my friends Vickii and Ally didn't seem to mind him AT ALL. I was the only one who kept my guard up against him. Even though I slightly trusted him. Slightly was the key word. As each day passed he would try harder and harder to come and say something. And that caught my attention. It made me feel special. Well duh [lol] it would make anyone feel special if you TRIED* your hardest to be their friend.
Then, eventually me and him started talking, normally. We had,... soooo many things in common. FINALLY! [I thought to myself] someone who knows who UTADA is and can pronounce her name right! [I know, sadly I've met pathetic douche bags that cant say it right -.-+++] And I was there with him when he had his 2 crushes. His first crush was a friend of mine. And I didn't mind. I wanted it to happen. But she rele ******** with him. I couldn't forgive her. [And no it's not one of those fighting over a guy thing] [Note: I didn't like him yet] But anyways, the point of this is, he talked to me. He told me things NO ONE else knew. And there's something I find rele INTIMATE when someone tells me something no one else will ever know. It's such a sacred thing to me. He would open up his heart to me. He told me his secrets. His problems, and his stories that no one else could accept [cuz they're ******** too dumb]. Through these talks we became rele "close friends". Not Best friends, but Close friends. Then I started to feel silly around him. I wanted to wear nice make up. Straighten my hair more often. Wear sexier/nicer clothes [YES, I mean Sexy clothing, not lingerie like some of you slutts are thinking razz but I mean like mini skirts, cute stockings, low cut shirts, etc. xD]. I wanted to wear jewelry. Basically a lot of changes. I wanted to impress him. Be the apple of his eye. Make him think im physically appealing, since we are friends he already likes my personality. Then he used to walk me home. [Note #2: and im still in denial FYI that i dont like him.] We used to have "girl talk" is wat we would call it. Everyday, monday through friday he would walk with me to my front door hug me and walk back home. And the whole time that we walked all we did was talk. And we talked A LOT. He interested me. Every word spoken was like pearls falling out of clams mouth [thts a nice simile, ooh -high 5s self- x3]. But inside my heart I felt like a spark. A special spark that was like, new. Something I never rele had. A Best Friend That I feel in love with and we loved each other forever, the end. [lol] But as simple as that sounds, it was a dream to me, a goal. Cause, all my Ex boyfriends were all ... [how do i say this..?] fast in the begging. Like, I didn't know them, I just thought they were cute, or they liked me, or etc. And then we wuld just go out and learn about each other through the relationship. I find that so shallow now tht I look back at it. But, anyways. So we talked a lot. And I had a cellphone. [tht is a piece of COMPLETE s**t! xD I dont have it now, but prolly in April]. And I had his number. I always wanted to call him. And then FINALLY, I realized. Whoa--- I like him, dont I?!... And I thought about the Pros and Cons.

Pros-

1. He's cute [lol]
2. We have a lot in common
3. We're good friends
4. Vickii doesn't hate him.
[Vickii= My Best Friend, MIO! =.=, lawlsz.]
5. He's really REALLY Sweet <3333.
6. He's not cocky! [thank god, cough!]
7. Does this list rele need to continue, cuz i mean i've got 45593486 reasons why I liked him no, wait make that 45593487.. 45593488... 45593489..... [lol, u get the point]

Cons-

1. He likes someone else...
2. I think I'm stuck in "friend zone"
3. Idk if He likes me [the usual problem, isnt it? xD]
4. Let's just say- Certain Stupid People, Can REALLY Say some certain stupid things.

And that was that. 1/1/2008, I confessed to him @ like 4 AM. [lol] and we had a HUMONGOUS convo about it. And he told me he used*** to like me. USED TO! ACK!! WTF!? right? D; He liked me way back in early 2007, or 2006 when I tried to talk to him. He said he found me rele Cute* looking [me: -turns into a tomatoe- ._. ^3^;;]. But, he had a gf and i had a bf, and everything was like rawr rawr rawr in those times. But then I asked him, why did u stop liking me? [ya know, im trying to investigate with this crime scene. lol] and we just talked about it a lot. Then, we stopped talking for a week. But then he approached me by rubbing my hair like teh moogle i r ^^ [kupo! ok sorry. x3]. Then one day after school he dropped me home and i kissed him on the cheek rele quickly. and he picked me up and span me around. Then I told a lot fo my friends i liked him. x.x;; lawl. and, then one day we started talking again. Then one sunset afternoon after school. Me Kuma [my faja ^^ x3] and Kesh were at the jungle gym. It was mid January, I 'll NEVER forget this day. NEVER!!! We were watching the sunset. and Kuma was just busy texting a few of his beetchez [like usual] x3 and me and him were hugging/holding each other like face to face, and then i was staring at him, and then? boom! I* Kissed Him. Yes, I did. >.<;; and we spent the rest of the night kissing outside and cuddling, kuma eventually left cuz he didnt wanna be a c**k blocker. but man, it was just so, -happy sigh- perfect. wen Kuma left we were kissing a lot. and not like french kissing, just pecks. But nice and slow pecks. Like the ones that end off with your lips still slightly attached cuz u just dont wanna let go. Haha! OK sorry, i know this aint no Erotica Book or nothing, lol. But we did make out a lot also, he's a guy, come on!.[lol] So then, on 2/4/08 He Finally asked me out. And with his every flaw his everything I loved. I fell in love with him. No, I DID NOT LOVE HIM. I didnt just Love him. I learned to fall in love with him. I had a lot of frustrated nights where I'd cry until I could finally understand him. And we've been through almost as much as me and Vickii have. I never Loved any one this much. He is my everything. I can tell him literally ANYTHING. I love him Physically, mentally all that. But everything feels so right. His lips, his hands, his eyes the way he can just stare at me, into my eyes with such meaning and passion. And we always get THE question. The Ever SOOO famous question. Did you guys do it yet? I love how they add the YET? Part. xD. See, I love this guy. [Haha yes, This Guy, xD] And I respect him, he respects me. We can both wait for each other. Cause we're both not ready. I plan to wait 'til im at least 16 [one more year cough], but even then I dont think, I'll be ready. It's just gonna happen. Like im gonna be a creep and plan tht s**t. ******** NO. Im gonna set the mood, ya know make sure the location is in check, and what ever happens happens. I mean, sure I wouldn't mind Sex until marriage. Im Seriouslly in no type of rush[lol]. But I truely think that if Im going to lose it to anyone, I'd like it to be him. Because I feel safe. Like I would feel like comfortable. And to Me that's VERY important. And Let me just tell you... Now just cause we haven't had actual Sex, we have done other things, and that's as far as I get with detail, and let me just say... Wooooo! ok haha, im good. But, My favorite thing to do with him physically, is kissing him. Cause he's got this thing not many guys have. And It PISSES ME OFF, when I guy doesn't have ANY TYPE OF LIPS! UGH! SO GROSS!! EWWW!! Like if you have skinny lips. Or like No Top Lip, Im never gonna even let u kiss me on my hand. That s**t is nasty. I need a guy with FULL lips. and He, has full thick soft lips. And omg, when our lips touch they like become one. and his lips are so warm and comforting. But its funny. Like we can RELE turn each other on easily. lol. Like all we have to do is kiss slowly and intimately and things jst heat up. I think it's cause we get so impatient with wanting to just do something! and its just a rele sexy feeling. I could LIVE off it. And See, I have something most girls dont have also. Full thick lips. NICE* Full thick lips. My lips aren't big, but they're full, and im so fcking GLAD! Ugh, I hate chicks that have no lips [no offense if ur oddly reading this far O.O;;;] But its just gross. I think girls should be pretty, and honey, if u ugly, and u KNOW your ugly, do me, yourself and everyone ELSE a favor, and at least TRY* and make yourself decent. Its rele the least u culd do razz . But no seriouslly, chicks with lips tht hardly exsist scare ,me A LOT. It's Creepy*. xD
ANYWAYS, xD. "His" name is Kevin. I call him Kesh. and only I DO. =.=++ no jk, but i dont like hearing it from another mouth, it sounds rele off and wrong.

Now, There's only been one other Boy that I had ever had strong feelings for before Kevin, was someone, that I will never forget, and Im still trying to forget about him. Well, not Forget* him, but let him go.

Now, with this story Im not going to be so detailed. Only because, this is a rele serious topic for me. And I dont normally like to Ever talk about it. I only talk about it with people I trust [Vickii and Kesh mostly xD]. Now, I cant say I ever LOVED him. Because I never loved him romantically. But I loved him as a friend. And I loved his company. And Yes I mean Love. There's various meanings to this word.

He, Like Kevin, sticked out like a sore thumb to me. His name was Jason. I met him when I was in 6th grade. Mid 6th grade. He was in 8th grade [he was 2 years older then me]. And me and him were friends along with a group of other kids. We called ourselves, KBS. It stood for Korean Badass Squad.Now, I know what you're thinking. WTF? I would have named it sumthing way cooler. Well if anyone lives in NJ or NY or Conneticut x3, there's a channel called WMBC AKA Channel 20. It's the Azn Channel. It plays WMBC News, Shinnovision which is [i believe] Chinese Broad casting, and then there's KBS, Korean [something] B. Station [? Idfk] And it was KBS Drama, which are Korean Soap Operas. And I would usually watch them. [I discovered this channel 3rd or 4th grade [i was 9... so im not sure...] and I Love the KBS Drama. Bizarre Bunch <33333333 x3. And High As The Sky Wide as The Earth. OMg, I could go on FOREVER! lawlsz. But, anyways. So The only reason they accepted my friendship was becuz I watched those KBS Dramas. Lawl. SO, anyway, im gonna skip around, we wuld all hang out constantly. especially wen i was in 7th grade. Every Friday or Saturday. Me and KBS would go to Menlo Mall. FYI KBS: Ryan, Chris, Tenchi, Jason, and me self. And usually, Ryan [Was my age and an AMAZING HIPHOP DANCER <333 He's seriouslly the next Super Junior Member! x3], Tenchi [A year younger than me, and rele into The Anime Tenchi, and had Tenchi's exact hair style.], And Chris [my age if not one year older, and he was a FLIRT. Lol ] all wuld stay in the arcade. Ryan wuld b playing on the DDR owning EVERY soul in there [he's won A LOT of contests] and Jason, would always go off to Barnes n Nobles. I'd always end up following him.We were rele close friends. Then in 7th grade, he was a freshmen in highschol, and the high school had a Valentine's Day Dance. So, he invited me. on V-Day, we had a half day in school. The Dance was 2 PM, and we got out at like 12:10 PM. So, I got dolled up and we went. His mom came and picked me up and we went to the dance. Everything was perfectly planned. but.... of course. SHE was there. She, HAD to be there. of all nights. She wasnt even a freshmen or in high school, she was in 8th grade! Some douche invited her. SO of course, I had slight feelings for Jason. But then I saw them kissed. And it was a rele Mean Girls Moment. And well, im gonna skip to, he passed away. I wont say how, when or hi. But that dance was the last time I saw him. And I said such awfully mean things to him. Things, I shuldnt have said. We argued. And, Now a days I still sorta regret it.

Now, i rele dont wanna finish tht subject, sorry.

But on a lighter note. Kevin has helped me a lot. Him and Vickii are the only, ONLY, ones that have rele helped me with this.

Thank you Guys.

I Love you both Very Much. heart

And not even Gackt or Utada could change that fact.

but DBSK and Big Bang Can! Hahaha, no jp jp.

Or am i? ... xP

Thanks For Reading :]