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Mike Birbiglia: "So I'm moving in to my new appartment, and I'm trying to fit the bed through the door, and one of the girls in the appartment upstairs comes up to me and says, 'I'm not worried because a rapist wouldn't have such a nice bed.....'" *audience laughs* "Yeah, I guess that's how she starts conversations, but either way I shouldn't have said anything........ Obviously that's not what happened......... In stead I said, 'You'd be surprised!!!' That was the wrong choice of words....."

Christian Finnegan: "I have three rules in life.... They pertain to the bathroom....... There's One: If you're drunk in the bathroom, don't moan while you're relieving yourself!!" *walks to back of stage and puts head against wall* *moans* *walks back* "See, that's how weird it is....... Two: Don't talk to me..... 'So how's it going???' 'Well, currently I have my p***s in my hand, how about you???' Three: Don't touch me, while I'm touching me!!!"

Gabriel Iglesias: "Yeah , I'm pretty sure that the Crocodile Hunter makes fun of himself easier than we do.... *Crocodile hunter voice* 'Crikey!!! There's a two-hundred pound tiger, and he can kill a man in less than ten seconds!!........ I'm gonna go touch it! Ahhh!!!!! Ow!!! Oh he's angry!!!'"

I love these, and I'll definitely have more!!!