cleanin my about me...enjoy
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A woman and her lover are in bed together when husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
Don't move! You're a statue!
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths, and they never fed me a thing!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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How about one last blonde joke?
why do blondes have square breasts?
they forgot to take the tissue out of the box!!!
______________________________________________________Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
What's the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17? he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. Yes, I do, she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues...Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.
I remember that too, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... I would have gotten out today!
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why did the blonde get fired from the m&m's factory?
She threw away all the W's!!!
sweetnsoursnow Community Member 
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