There is an insane amount of emotions swirling inside me right now, but im going to attempt to write them down as best I can to at least make myself feel better, if not to just help me sort them.
First, my parents marriage is crumbling. My poor father has been married to my mother for the last 20 something years, and yet my mother never could truthfully say she loved him. And then this other guy came into it, and she's been talking to him, emailing him, etc. etc. Just listening to the way she sounds when talking to this guy, he makes her happy no matter what. She could be on the verge of suicide and he'd make her come back. My Dad is on the other end, trying to save the marriage because he truly loves my mother, and he doesnt want to lose her. And I dont blame him. No, no one is the culprit here, the problems were there in the first place and bound to come out at some point. Do I actually beleive this? Yea I do on some respects, and I dont on others. As much as I love how much this guy brighten's my mothers day, I cant help but blame him for whats going on. It feels as though this guy is the crushing stone of the marriage. Y'know, like the mario games with the little block that falls? *shrug*. Anyhow, This guy is a great guy, and it sounds like it'd be awesome to be around him. He's everything my Dad is not, and my Dad is everything this new guy is not. My Dad is afraid this new guy is not only going to get my mom, but he's also afraid the new guy is going to take me away from him as well. And I dont rightly blame my Dad for feeling that way, because I know i'd feel that way if I was in the same position. But I mean, I go out and paintball with my Dad, I play video games with my Dad, my Dad helps me with my homework whenever he's home, etc. etc. This new game plays Ps2 (My Dad doesnt), this new guy plays instruments (stuff like guitars, etc. etc.) and this new guy is also a stay at home Dad because he was injured on the job. This new guy would stay at home and cook for us, clean for us, he'd always be there. And thats huge, considering my Dad is working 16 hour shifts now at work, and it's really killing him. Last night he came home, ate a single peice of pie and then had to crash since he was so tired. And I dont really know what to say to my mom, but the fact that even if she breaks up with my Dad and goes with Kevin, i'll at least respect Kevin for the fact that she loves him. She's afraid im going to hate her for breaking up this marriage. And not only is this stressing my mom, and my Dad and Me, but my Grandma. And whenever my Mom isnt home, my Grandma and Dad are always exploding on me and taking their stress out on me and I dont really know if I can handle it anymore. Im to the verge where I just want this DONE or I am going to say screw it and get the hell out of this house for a long, long time. I dont even care if it means having to ask a friend to live at their house for a while, but I just know I cant take it any more.
Secondly, I have my teenage social problems at school. I swear to god I love Emi, but then I have things like Skyler, Ricky, etc. etc. pop up, and im only a teenager. I cant help what my mind thinks. Seriously. And as much as I want to throttle them and whatnot, I cant, because I keep getting told to back off. Im not the guy I used to be. I used to be an absolute nerd, but over the years i've gotten "cooler" apparently, and now that im "cool", everything I do matters to everyone. I used to be the guy that'd sit there and dream about the girl next to him, but now I dont have to since I have her. But now that I have her, im absolutely paranoid of every guy that even touches her (Minus Robbie), but I cant handle this stress anymore either. It's school, I know, it doesnt matter in life. I know. But im still in school now and im stuck with it for the next year, and im not sure if I can handle that. Considering I am failing most of my classes as well, I am pretty out of it. And I absolutely adore my time with Emi and the friends that dont bug me (RIN), but things keep popping up that take that time away from me. I'd like to throw out a main cause of this is Emi's Mother, whom I am extremely...Displeased with. Especially considering her mom keeps limiting the time she can be at school after school, or over at Rin's house. Especially the church thing. You cant force someone to become a christian, or you cant really force them to worship, but her mother is doing such anyways. And also things like making her continue with math, or forcing her to go to Math help or whatever the hell they call it, that limits my time with her. I value each and every second with Emi as if it were the last, and I plan to keep doing so, because that makes it all the more valuable to me. There's a Sonata Arctica song called "Kingdom for a Heart" (I know it thanks to Lilly), and right about now it describes my feelings. Because if I had one thing I could say over and over, its the line "I'd give away a kingdom for just one more day" or something like that. And thats the best way I can put it, but her mother ruins life for me. And other things have happened to her (Such as her cat Boney got hit by a car. ) that make her absolutely sad, and there is nothing I can do to help her. Theres nothing like feeling absolutely helpless in life, and i've been like that for the last several months, if not more.
And like I said earlier, I dont think I can take this anymore. Im not going to look towards suicide, or cutting myself or anything like that, but I really have no way to vent my frustration, my sadness, and all that jazz. I havent cried in years, but right about now I feel like im going to explode in a giant ball of emotion, and I hate it, because I built a protective wall around myself and its crumbling. I used to be in the extreme belief that I was worthless anyways, or that I was no good, etc. etc. and I just cant make myself feel that way anymore. And when I cant feel that way or make myself feel that way, I absolutely lose it and that's not something I want to do.
Another thing something I want to do is treat Emi to sakura con. Its coming up, and I dont think im going to have enough money and I dont want to have to ask my parents for any loans, because i'll owe them more over the 400 bucks I already owe them. Plus I have another 75 bucks i owe to someone else for something, and they keep bugging me about it and i've about had it with them. Im at such an emotion stage where i'm snapping at absolutely everyone, even people who say something as silly as "Oh well I see how good of a friend I am =p" and they add the =p at the end to SHOW they were kidding, but somehow I still snap. And im tired of it. Nobody is diserving this from me, and I dont want to dish it out to anyone. But at the rate im going, I am going to eventually fall into a state of deep depression I cant climb out of.
For the people who know me irl, I know, I seem happy at school nowadays, but those are small moments. As soon as I go into class, my mood dies off, and I just go into a mode where I just want to get the work done and out of the way, or I go into a "i dont give a s**t mode" and I swear to god, I almost got a referral today from my math teacher, because I almost exploded at her for the simplest thing. She asked me to put my book away. And then I almost got a referral the other day because the teacher asked me to put my head back up and I got snappy as hell with her too. None of these teachers are deserving the treatment i'm giving them, and I know they only want to help, but its hard to explain stuff like this to someone you hardly know. Hell, I even have a hard time letting my feelings out to Emi, let alone Rin or Bryan. To tell the truth, this journal is the only way I can vent, because im just putting my thoughts plain and simple and not directed towards anyone.
Theres more, but in the event of writing what I have, I lost it, so... =s
Have fun reading
*edit*
To put a plus on things, i've been exploding at myself because of the fact that im bi. Its not really a bad thing in my opinion, I just wish I wasnt really. I keep going at myself for it when I really cant handle it.
And another thing is I keep having girls come up to me during classes or whenever Emi isnt around and start hitting on me, or giving me the advice to drop her, and im about to get suspended for outright killing them because there is no way in hell im going to break up with Emi, let alone go out with a preppy a** b***h.
Jreken Community Member 
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