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4C: Dysfunctional Empathy |
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The first thing he noticed was how his right arm had a small bit of drool on it. Matt didn't exactly enjoyed being slobbered on in his sleep, but since it was the blond who had done it... aww, who was he kidding? That was just nasty.
Darkness still filled the room save for the glowing green dashes that specified that he'd woken up approximately two hours early with their chubby glow. He rolled over in his sleep, Mello shifting and murmuring an incoherent protest before he froze and stopped. The boy was glommed to his arm, snuggling into it like Matt was his favorite stuffed animal or a giant bar of chocolate. The redhead tried to moved out of the blond's confining grasp, but only worsened his situation as his movement caused the boy attached to him to snuggled closer, pressing his slim body against Matt's bare chest.
Thanks to the contact, he was now sporting a hard-on.
Prying the chocoholic's slim fingers off his arm, he shuffled out of the bed and headed into the hallway. (megan is awesome!!!! this is an insertion by the best friend forever. (1) Coolness from the wooden floorboards seeped into the pads of his feet, urging him to rush faster to the door of the bathroom. Grasping the handle firmly, he tugged and quickly slipped inside the pristine, white facility. The boy entered the first stall he came into contact with and shut the toilet lid to sit on top.
Slipping his pajama bottoms to the floor, he grasped his arousal and began stroking himself. Images of the blond pressed against him, below him, behind him flowed constantly into Matt's head. This was Mello's hand touching him, Mello's lips against his neck, Mello's breath on his skin, Mello's teeth nipping at his ears, Mello's hands brushing across his chest...
"Mello..." he whispered breathlessly, screwing his eyes shut as he worked his hardened member more rigorously.
He pumped harder, throwing his head back, and he bit into his lip, hard enough to mark, but not enough to bleed. Pleasure was building in his lower regions, threatening to overflow. With a final pump and a silent cry of the blond's name, he came.
Matt sat, shaking at the feeling of release and reached a trembling hand toward the toilet paper dispenser. He pulled a few squares off the roll and wiped off the evidence of his actions from where they had dirtied the area. It would probably be bad fro the plumbing, but his guilty conscience pestered him to. Folding the paper into a small square, he stood up and tossed it into the toilet, flushing away the evidence of his actions. He exited the stall and washed his hands thoroughly with the liquid soap sitting on the marble counter.
Crossing the distance from the bathroom back to Mello's room, the boy slipped back into the blond's room and stopped at the foot of the bed. Nestled into the blankets was Mello’s relaxed face, breathing innocently. Matt watched the boy turn around and grope the bed sheets for the missing warmth of the other body that had laid with him only a few minutes ago. An involuntary smile came to his face as Mello's semi-coherent mind registered the spot to be empty. Opening his eyes slowly, the blond instinctively grabbed at Matt's arm and pulled him back into the bed.
"I'm tired, it's cold, too early, sleep..." the older boy ordered.
Matt happily complied and slipped between the mattress and the sheets beside his best friend. Mello rolled over and clung to his body. Matt felt another shifting in his lower regions, but forced himself to think of something else. Something that was a total turn-off... like Linda. Yeah, thinking of Linda would definitely help.
"You're so warm..." Mello murmured, and fell asleep, arms slung around the neck of his best friend.
He could feel relaxation sink from Mello's body into the mattress they shared. Truly, he loved it when the blond was sleepy. He often said things that seemed out of character when his social walls were down. Although he loved the way Mello was when he his actions were without bounds, the mask Mello wore was just as intriguing and endearing as his unguarded self.
Matt smiled; adjusting in the bed sheets without waking Mello up as he wished somewhat that the thoughts could reach the boy. Tentatively, he brushed his thumb over his best friend's parted lips, tracing them lightly, an involuntary smile gracing his lips as he felt Mello speak incoherent words against his thumb. The beat of his heart would have sped up, but exhaustion began to take over him as he lay in the bed and drifted in and out of a partial sleep. It wasn't until the alarm finally rang at seven that Matt almost fell asleep and the pair got up to get ready for their classes.
- -
Matt sat at the left side of the classroom and continued to stare out the window, his head rested on his arms that were crossed atop his desk. Class work finished long ago, he felt he'd earned the rest and right not to pay attention. He shared a table with Mello so if he'd even tried turning around, he probably wouldn't be able to concentrate for a long time afterward. The events of the morning were still quite embarrassing in his head. Of course, it wasn't like he hadn't done that before, but it was just that he'd never gotten back into bed with his walking, talking wet dream after the action.
He sighed again and collapsed his face into the space he'd created between his arms. A thin line of light that came in by his right ear interrupted the darkness in his vision. It reminded him of Panda's hair and how it wasn't exactly always black because of the few white hairs the man was shamelessly sporting. It was probably from the stress of being on the top of the world of crime and justice. Perhaps some of it was the stress caused by whatever happened to his ex-lover? Although the thought did cross his mind, it wasn't like Matt could actually ask Panda about his past relations so he opted for sitting in contemplation instead.
Suddenly he felt a tap on his right elbow and a folded paper slip in to interrupt the space between Matt's arm and the wooden surface. He unfolded it quietly while their professor's back was turned as he looked down to help Skye with history as usual. Memorizing the different emperors of each of China's dynasties and their accomplishments and failures was a topic Matt knew would be a challenge to the perky twin, especially when he heard a groan and the sound of a head thumping onto a desk. He looked over to see Terra giggling at his brother's behavior while patting the boy on the back.
Adverting his attention, he looked down at the paper Mello had slipped to him.
You look more distracted than usual. What's wrong?
Nothing, he wrote, heaving another unavoidable sigh as he did so, I'm just tired.
He passed the note back to the other boy without folding it. His plain handwriting dulled in comparison to his best friend's neat, yet elegant manuscript. Even the paper that the boy used seemed nicer than the sheets Matt carried in his folders. The fact that the blond have even considered passing him a note made him smile. Mello only passed notes when he was done with his work and felt he wanted to talk. Matt probably didn't have to worry about their teacher coming over to lecture them again about the proper etiquette in a classroom.
He watched as the boy slipped a square of chocolate from his pocket into his mouth and took the letter to read. By watching Mello eat the chocolate, he could almost feel the sensation of the sweetness melting on his tongue and spreading around the smallest areas of the mouth. His serene smiled turned to one of surprise as he looked down to see the words that mello had written onto the paper.
Liar. It has to do with where you were last night.
Sweat didn't form on his brow, but Matt had to stop himself from shifting his weight uneasily in his chair as slight panic filled his brain. He though he'd been quiet last night during his 'escapade'. Did Mello hear something? It's not like Matt was a vocal individual... Unless, Mello had been up to go use the restroom as well? He did "wake up" momentarily last night when Matt had returned to the room. Of course, if he had indeed heard something, then Matt would've heard the door of the restroom swing open, right?
But I could've just been too wrapped up in my own activities to notice.
He forced himself to scrawl a half-assed response before passing the note back to the blond.
No, it doesn't. There's nothing to find out, so don't ask, all right?
He drew a small smiley face with down turned eyebrows at the end of his message. Hopefully the blond would understand the relaxing 'don't worry' he meant by the doodle. He passed the note back to his best friend only to hear an angry tap and drag of mechanical pencil on paper. He felt the note poke back into his arm and quickly swept it up as their history teacher walked by the pair and out of the room to go to his next class.
Matt looked down at the paper and groaned.
So you don't deny being somewhere last night?
No, he wrote, sighing as he did, All I did was go to the restroom.
Becoming a hair more than just slightly annoyed, Matt slid the paper back to the blond sitting beside him, locking eyes with the boy as he took the paper. The intensity behind Mello's stare scared him. Something was of about the situation, but Matt couldn't quite place what. Regardless, he could tell this could end one of two ways: Badly or Horribly.
Without breaking their eye contact, Mello took his pencil and wrote on the sheet of paper blindly. With his eyebrows hardening to a glare, the blond slid the note immediately toward the gamer. Matt noted, impressed, that the chocoholic had both written in a straight line and perfectly equal to the constant distance between their responses on the paper. He, however, was not as impressed with the note itself.
Well, whatever. If you're going to be like this, then enjoy yourself.
"It doesn't take THAT long to go to the restroom, Matt."
He looked up at Mello, who instead of simply turning around to face the front of the room once more, backed up his chair and left Matt to sit at his desk in silence.
'Be like this'? What's he mean by this? What does he think I did?
Question upon his lips, he turned to face the seat beside him, only to remember it had been emptied a few seconds before. Across the room, Mello had left him to sit alone while he talked with Skye and Terra during their seven-minute break where the teachers switched classrooms. He continued to gaze intently at the trio until Terra's eyes met his, an apologetic expression filling both their eyes. He watched as the slight boy tried to tell Mello to go back to his old seat and include Matt. The blond shot down the suggestion with a glare and continued to speak. Matt sighed and slumped into his chair.
Well, at least they had time off tonight after their specialty classes. If Mello was still acting like this, then maybe he'd go see Panda instead. He did say he would, after all...
I'm sure he'd never act like this toward someone without plausible reason.
Turning his head back to the board, he proceeded to stare at the whiteness for the next few hours. Mello refused to speak to him so he ended up daydreaming as he spaced out of and tuned out everything in the area until class was over. Before he knew it, he was ordered to grab his things and was ushered out of the classroom by a passively persuasive Near.
With Mello still ignoring him, he trudged up the stairs to his room after Near and retrieved his SP from the its spot under his bed. He grabbed a game a headed out, shoving the black and gray cartridge into the slot on the bottom of the console. Flipping switch, he walked down the hall and hummed quietly to the ending note of the power on tune under his breath. Soon, the bright start screen of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories flashed before his eyes. Finally settling down into the couch in the front room, Matt zoned into the world of Castle Oblivion and proceeded to kick Pretty-In-Pink Marluxia's a** four times in twenty minutes.
After the seventh run, he grew bored. Seeing that there was no one in the area, he decided to duck the couch and into the secret passage to Panda's room. The cold of the tunnels assailed his skin under the red and gray striped shirt he was wearing. He'd left his jacket inside his and Near's room and didn't think of going back for it before visiting the detective.
Matt ascended three sets of familiar ladders before he crawled through the last tunnel of empty space; the giant, dimly lit half circle of the blue clock cast its shadow over a great majority of the room. This time when he entered the room, he'd actually retained both his socks. Of course, he'd tied them together and stuffed them deeply into his favorite pair of dark cargo pants with the zip-up pockets, so there was no way they'd fall out without Matt actually putting effort into setting his belongings up to do so.
"Welcome back."
Panda's familiar spread into a genuine smile and the corners of his eyes wrinkled up slightly as his gaze fell upon Matt. The redhead blushed from the sudden attention and made his way comfortably to the bed beside the man.
"Hey," he grinned lazily in response.
Mentally tired beyond belief, he plopped down on the white sheets and instantly collapsed, rolling onto his side. He sniffed the air with a certain curiosity and instantly realized he was smelling-
"Is that coffee?"
He sat up and leaned forward to join the detective in his Panda Stance while facing the table. On said table sat a small cup of coffee in a take-out cup. The brown and blue geometric patterns on the cup proudly displayed the name and logo of a local coffee shop located in the city where the children had their bimonthly expeditions.
"You are correct in your observation."
The muscles of his face shifted involuntarily into a smile. For once, he was having something other than tea with the man in the tower room.
"I'm just that good, aren't I?" he smirked cockily, bumping the man all in good fun.
Panda reached over and shuffled his hair. Matt simply squinted his face together and curled up slightly into the center of his body. Laughing, he brought his legs up to his chest and hugged them tightly, rocking back and forth happily until he intentionally fell over and bumped into the detective. The two shared another intimate laugh and Matt adjusted himself to normal position.
"Coffee?" the man offered.
"Of course, my liege," he joked as he took the cup in his hands, "if that is what you wish."
Matt took a sip of the coffee. Subtly chocolaty with bits of crushed peppermint in it: his favorite. He sighed with a contented smile while Panda eyed him with a bored, sarcastic, yet awkward expression sitting plainly on his face.
"What?" he grinned, bumping the man in the side, "Never been treated like faux royalty before?"
- -
Matt was curled up in the blankets against the wall. Panda was The snug whiteness of the sheets gave him a sense of disconnected floating, yet grounded him to the very moment he would be experiencing. In short, the atmosphere was surreal. Three candles glowed in the middle of the room, lulling his eyelids to droop and slide comfortably shut.
Dinner had come and gone. Mello had been in the library and refused to go eat, so Matt had brought the boy food and left without recieving so much as a thanks before he returned to the clock tower room to enjoy older company once more.
"So will you tell me exactly why you're here this time?"
It wasn't like he was actually expecting an answer, but Panda gave him one anyway.
"You have most likely aready guessed this: I am here because of reasons related to my ex-lover."
Matt smiled sadly as he recalled the way L had reacted the last time he had brought up his former lover. Not quite understanding why, he leaned closer to the detective. Soon, he was resting his arm against the older man's, contentedly nibbling at the remains of his sandwich.
"So you won't tell me about him?"
Panda gave him an exasperated wash with his eyes. The redhead leaned over and fell into the man's shoulder, resting his head there like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he had befriended nothing more than the average man instead of the world-renown investigator the man truly was.
"No, I will not," he concluded. "Well... just not today."
Matt grinned up and him and sank closer, the cold of the elevated room seeping through his blanket. Before he could reply to the man, a sneeze interrupted his attempt and his hand flew to his face. The older man wrapped an arm comfortingly around the younger boy's shoulder and pulled him closer.
"If you got sick, it would have been my fault."
The simple explanation was enough for the both of them. Outside, the coming winter darkness made him sigh with a certain detached breath. The fourteen-year-old yawned and popped his neck. Panda followed suit, doubling the noise in the air as they two of them relaxed into their seats.
"Well at least you told me why you're here," Matt continued, stopping the older man from changing the subject. "It's because of him, isn't it?"
A blank look filled Panda's eyes as the words sank into his skin. He rested his head on the wall along with his back. Legs stretched out awkwardly (a position that was normal for most people), he closed his eyes and began to speak.
"Yes, it is," the raven-haired man admitted, "and I still cannot fathom how you were able to extract such intimate information from me."
"I have my ways," the redhead grinned up at him, bumping the man once more.
Panda let out a mock-exasperated groan and bumped the boy back. Matt nudged him in the arm a third time only to get knocked over by the older man during his retaliation. To his dismay, Matt was quickly pinned to the bed and tickled attacked into submission. Panda chuckled as he watched the teen struggle to suppress his ticklish tendencies.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Matt chanted.
Writhing and kicking ineffectually while heaving large amounts of air between breaths seemed to be the only thing the gamer was able to fo at the moment. This seemed to somehow satisfy Panda for the time being because suddenly, the detective stopped. An expression of resigned sadness came over him. Matt's eyes never left his furrowed eyebrows. Perhaps, the brilliant man had sensed it, for he had begun to speak.
"You remind me of him," he murmured off-handedly, "always trying so hard to best me in some way, sometimes even winning... A relationship based on rivalry, almost. Almost." A sigh. "He always had to make the final move, the final decision..."
Throughout the quiet speech, the redhead had shut up and had tuned into watching the soft flames of the trio of candles dance lightly without the help of a breeze. His heart sank when the head of the House spoke the last words.
Something happened to him - to Panda's ex-lover - and no one could stop it.
Unthinking, the boy grabbed one of Panda's paws and began tracing his fingers. The older man did nothing to protest, and Matt took that as a good sign. Humans need comfort and even Panda was human.
- -
The next day, Matt's classroom situation remained the same. Mello continued to ignore him and made it perfectly clear that he didn't want Matt anywhere near him or the twins. Instead of stressing over the sudden aversion Mello had developed to his presence, Matt had turned to talking to his roommate that sat behind them in class, Near.
"You've been gone lately," the boy murmured as he slid the hard plastic wing of his self-made model airplane into place.
Matt smiled. At least someone had noticed.
"Yeah, Cotton Ball," he chuckled, "I've been gone."
He reached over and ruffled the boy's hair. It was soft and white, reminding him of a cloud. Actually, all of Near reminded him of a cloud. From the white silkiness of his apparel to the pale tones of his soft skin to the moon silk highlights that shone in his hair whenever the light hit it at a certain angle. If someone had given Matt the chance to name the boy, he'd have ended up with a ridiculous name akin to 'Snow White'.
Cotton Ball, the damsel in distress! he chuckled to himself.
Apparently, the action was too loud as Mello chose that exact moment to turn around and see Matt's chair turned and facing his rival. At the feeling of being watched, Matt turned around and knew the sounds of laughter had reached Mello's ear. Matt looked up to see the blond quietly boring holes into his being. With an apologetic smile, he turned back around and continued his conversation with the pale boy.
"Where have you been?" the boy instantly inquired, skipping the formal invitations.
"Well," Matt paused, "I've been with Mello...?"
Obviously, Near didn't buy it. However, he was smart enough to know that it was something you didn't prod further into.
"Whoever you've been meeting is probably too important. It's a safety thing, I understand."
Just as Matt was about to respond, the door to the classroom opened and their next teacher, Sapientia, walked in. She took her place unceremoniously at the front of the class, sitting down directly on the teacher's desk instead of behind it. With a sharp look, she ordered Mello back to his seat where the blond crossed his arms and pretended like the air around Matt simply did not exist.
The lovely Sapientia teaching Latin. (2)
In al truth, Sapientia was probably his favorite teacher. Although she had a reputation for being one of the strictest members of the faculty in the entire House, she was by far the coolest teacher there. No one knew anything of her background other than the fact that she was professional thief before she came to live in the House.
"Alright," Sapientia called out at the front of the class, grabbing a hair tie and shoving the dark cascades of her long black hair into a less-than-tidy ponytail, "everyone get out a sheet of paper. We're going to examine the Carmina Burana. Hurry up and be ready by the time I'm done passing these out... C'mon, hurry it up or someone's losing a reproductive organ!"
And that was why she was Matt's favorite teacher.
She danced around the room, tossing a copy of 'A Collection of Latin Literature' onto each desk.
If one couldn't already tell by the way she presented herself, she was the dancing, acting, singing professional thieving expert Latin teacher. Of course, she taught Latin as her main course, led theater as her interest course, and mentored aspiring professional thieves on the weekends and was known as one of the busiest staff members of the entire House.
All employees of the House needed to be multi-talented in at least three specialties or needed to be exceptionally skilled in two. As usual, teachers were found in the same method the students were picked out. However, with the need to remain inconspicuous, the House often hired people from underground thieving networks to teach as opposed to searching orphanages. As an education establishment associated with L, the House had connections. And the fact that the instructors were paid plenty did help somewhat with the chances of the chosen individuals with actually accepting. Besides, what could be better than passing on their skills to brilliant children? Just because they were underground didn't mean they were corrupted.
Just inconspicuous.
Kind of like Panda, the boy thought, resting his chin on his crossed arms before his face.
A ruler snapped onto his head, and he rubbed the sore spot with three tentative fingers only to have the digits slapped again.
"Pay attention, Matt," Sapientia snapped, her musical voice ringing throughout the classroom. Somewhere behind him, someone snickered. "Shut up, Flora."
The class chuckled long with the teacher as a girl near the back of the room turned a bright red and collapsed her head onto her folded arms. The boy sitting beside her gave her an awkward pat on the back and everything quickly returned to running smoothly until the end of class.
Matt sat, actually paying attention and taking notes for once instead of watching Mello out of the corner of his eye. Whenever he attempted to, he would see the blond eyeing him back with what he could categorize as anger. Even when the end of class has arrive, Mello hadn't spoken a single word to him.
Lunch was a lonely affair. Instead of eating with the twins and Mello, he sat beside Near and Linda, idly poking at his pasta, too dejected to even try sneaking glances at the blond several feet away.
I just don't get it.
- -
Sitting in the bed that Panda was currently laying on, Matt hunched over, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasoed before him, his mind filled with swirls of thought that he could neither follow nor contain. In short, both halves of the odd pair were exhausted.
Outside, the sound of a game of soccer reached the uppermost area of the clock tower. Although the soundwaves barely made an impact on the noise level inside the somewhat large square room, the gently, constant buzz of excitement added to the soft, aqua light filtering through the glass of the giant clock itself painted a blue ambience over the room. Languid and flowing, the atmosphere made the silence almost bearable, if not for the multitude of busy signals firing through Matt's brain.
"So it's been three days now since I last had a real, verbal conversation with Mello..." the boy sighed, finally breaking the silence. "What am I supposed to do when he won't even look at me?"
Panda smiled lazily, bringing his hand to his forehead to rub his eyes. After he massaged the for a good minute, he let his hand fall back onto the mattress beside Matt.
"Perhaps you should minimize the length of the trips you take here. My hypothesis is that he feels threatened by your absence. Your talking to Near scares him into thinking he’d losing you."
"Are you asking me to leave?" the redhead frowned, "because all you have to do is come out and say it."
This made the older man chuckle and pat the boy on the arm.
"No, no, you misunderstand. I am simply offering a solution as opposed to sympathy." He gave Matt a flash of his seldom seen, unguarded smile. "Job hazard, I suppose."
Matt lay down on my bed beside the detective, his head resting on the man's shoulder. He fiddled with the hem of his gray and white striped shirt, the thin yet insulating material sliding over his fingers gently. Subconsciously, the redhead angled his body toward the detective's as they laid together in the bed. Panda pulled the blanket that was pushed messily against the wall to cover the both of them. Matt had skipped dinner and the leftover garbage of the food he'd been eating with Panda sat untouched on the table.
"Let's talk about something else," he spurted suddenly. "Anything, please. Anything that doesn't concern Mello..."
He could almost feel the expression on the detective's face soften as the man tightened his arm around the boy.
"Okay then," he complied, "what do you think of me telling you some of my stories from when I was your age?"
Panda reached over using the arm Matt wasn't lying across and ruffled the boy's hair soothingly, reassuring the validity of his offer. Seeing the instant smile on the teen's face was all the reassurance the man needed before he begun to tell his tale.
"What I am about to tell you about happened when I was fifteen, which would be about nine years ago."
He's eleven years older than me...
Panda cleared his throat lightly and brought his fingertip to his lips.
"I do not know if this will seem as a shock to you, but contrary to my deceptive appearances, I actually participate in competitive sports." He chuckled when he saw the look on Matt's face turn to one of incredulous belief. "I can play tennis and swim quite well.
"Watari forced me to learn once between cases and had the pool inside the building in the back grounds here built for me. In fact, the last time I visited the pool, it was just as nice as it was the day it was built. Of course, the marble statues in the entrance were commissioned only last year and the inside showers were built after I stopped living exclusively here, so those are obviously new.
"Anyway, I was swimming alone - something Watari had warned me against - and it was before the House was converted into a learning facility and my original two successors were still alive. I always swam with my eyes shut, so I naturally was not quite aware of where I was going. I should have opened my eyes, but the chlorine always stung them too much for me to try.
"My body began to tire out and I had a difficult time getting back to the edge of the pool. I tried raising my head above water, but my neck and back were too exhausted and I misjudged the feeling of the water level on my face. Instead of taking a breath of air, I took one of water that sent me into irrational panic. Blind, unthinking, and unable to breathe, I sank to the bottom of the pool, but not before one of my successors heard me flailing in the waters.
"I can only assume that he must have rescued me by himself, because I awoke to the feeling of lips pressed over mine, breathing into my mouth and lungs. He later told me that he knew I was not going to die that day..."
A far-off look glazed over Panda's eyes as he spoke and a thin, genuine smile spread lightly over his face.
"I told him that it never would have happened if I had a pair of goggles, that I would have been able to keep track of where I was in the pool by vision instead of misjudging my physical actions. I still remember how his green eyes sparkled suddenly as he heard those words.
"Even though the House always had students running around, I never had the chance ot stop and talk to one. Maybe I was too shy, but regardless of the reason, looking back on my life here it was like they all seemed to avoid me. Maybe they were even afraid of me, the child who never went to class with them but was always seen alone and thinking. I'm sure a few of them even laughed at my posture and habits. Children can be wicked like that and I am only glad that nearly no one from my years at the House are still here today.
"At any rate, that was how I first met my..." the man faltered at the word, "my second successor. In my mind, the two of us had not truly met until that day came about. The entire event was such a cliché. He saved my life and I thanked him, leading to more eventually. Thinking back on it now, that must have been the day I came to terms with my sexuality."
Matt's celery eyes widened a fraction at the easy statement. Had Panda just... did he truly mean to...
Did Panda just tell me who his lover was?
The boy looked up at the raven-haired man that lay beside him to see silent tears trickle down his cheeks. Matt put a hand to the man's chest and felt it rise and fall evenly, as if his heart was in no way connected to the tears that slid shamefully down the pale man's eyes.
Leaning over and resting his head directly on the man's chest, he could hear Panda's heart pounding, almost aching. The man wasn't emotionally disconnected, but rather he was simply fighting to control his breathing.
"L..." Matt whispered, unaware of the fact that he'd used the older man's name, "L... it's alright..."
Matt pressed his face into the creamy cotton of the detective's shirt and slipped a comforting arm over the older man, an attempt to protect his friend from whatever dreaded feelings he had resurrected at the moment. In turn, a white-clothed arm wrapped around his back and pressed him closer to the detective.
"He told me that I had more time to live," he whispered into Matt's red hair, "that he could see it and I had nothing to be afraid of. He said I need not fear death because the Gods of Death still had more time to give me."
Speechless, Matt burrowed his head into the crook of L's shoulder, holding the other man tightly and forgetting, for such a long time afterward, about his own mundane problems. Instead, they lay there for a long while, simply comforting one another with the reassurance of their presence.
Closing his eyes and pressing his head against the older man's chest, Matt relaxed and resorted to rubbing small circles into L's shirt with his thumb. Slowly, he listened to the older male's heartbeat slow to a calmer rate.
"I thought I could tell this story without faltering," he confessed, "but it seems as if I have only aroused something much too painful to bear."
Matt pressed his face against the older male's shirt and closed his eyes.
"You don't have to bear it alone," he whispered.
He could have sworn he felt a smile slip into those lips above his hair, but he didn't dare look up. The feeling of another person's warmth beside him was soothing already to himself and he was sure that on some level it was helping Panda as well. He pulled the blanket up high on his face until it had sufficiently covered his cheekbones. His mind lingered on the older man's words, but instead of pressing into the matter any further, he simply lay there, comforting his friend until sleep took his body once more.
- -
Panda had woken him up early the next morning, ushering him down for breakfast twenty minutes before he needed to be down. Again, he sat with Linda and Near, only poking at the fruit on his plate and nibbling on the bread. Near had glanced at him quickly several times throughout the meal, obviously worried about his well being.
Getting through the classes during his day was a mundane affair and he paid only half attention to the teacher while his mind ran back and forth through what had happened the night before.
Panda's lover was one of his successors. That means - assuming it the rumors are accurate - that he was with either A or B. No, but they say that A committed suicide from the pressure of being on top, above B... But A killed himself so long ago that for L to be acting this way just doesn't seem to fit. He did it when he was just a teenager. The timing for L's story might fit, but if A had someone to care for him romantically, then I'm sure he wouldn't try to off himself. Most people wouldn't at least. L pretty much said he met his lover when he was at that pool when he was fifteen. Maybe it was B that he met. That means that A might have committed suicide because B and L were together and he felt too lonely to bare it. But then they also say that B ran away from the House after A died.
Those two must've felt like they were all alone in the House. They never had any company other than Watari, maybe Roger, L, and each other. That's too bland of an existence, if you ask me, even in a gorgeous mansion-school like this. Being on the top is hard. Mello knows that. Near knows that. I know that.
I'm sure the reason the House started taking in kids that had different talents was so that the children on the top would have a variety of peers and their be exposed to their personalities and interests. Didn't the House only used to accept kids that were intellectually gifted? I'm pretty sure that it was only in the last four years that they even started searching for children with other talents in the orphanage. I'm sure even the smart ones had hobbies though.
Of course, Mello and Near are more reclusive than the vast majority of the House, but that is by choice. Still, even in their isolation, Near has Linda for company while Mello has Skye and Terra. Maybe emotionally and socially connecting, even when you don't realize it's happening, helps. I guess they learned from their first mistake and ended up accepting more students here after all.
Still, there's the issue about L's lover. Was it B or A? A or B? I want to ask, but I don't know if I can. Would he even answer me? It was bad enough the first time around when he was telling me his story... I don't want him to have to feel that way again if he doesn't want to. I guess my answers will have to wait.
He looked down at his paper and at the notes he had stopped mindlessly taking several minutes ago. They looked rather neat, but he hadn't caught more than a few sentences here and there about the actual lesson itself. It wouldn't matter anyways, because all he had to do later was go through the textbook twice and he'd be ready for any test they gave him. He looked up at the board and sighed as he realized that the room had emptied out and he was the last student left there. He quietly packed up and left, not particularly caring that he'd be extremely late to his optional computer-programming elective that was only offered Thursday nights.
Making his way down the long hallway at a trudgingly slow pace, Matt finally reached the room for computer programming. Skye and Terra both turned their heads simultaneously and were watching the door intently long before the teacher had even realized that anyone was outside the classroom.
Damn their good hearng, Matt sighed. Well, it wasn't like I'd be able to get in anyway.
With a loud plop, Matt sank into his seat between the twins while the teacher chastized him for being late. He was only half-listening, nodding and responding with a quiet 'yes, sir' that frightened the twins beside him. Matt was never this... compliant.
Class passed quickly again and Matt sat in a soundless stupor. The Twins had tried talking to him but had no success as he barely heard them and didn't bother responding. Instead, his mind was focusing on L.
Just L. It was all he could manage to do.
- -
"Where were you last night?"
Matt looked up from the spot on the floor that he'd been staring at for the past few hours.
When he didn't answer, the little cotton ball momentarily looked at him with a blank interest as he fiddled with his new rubber finger puppet kit. Matt had bought it for him almost a month ago and he had only opened it tonight, the package's contents lined neatly in a row before the boy.
Their room was the standard large square with two beds pushed against opposite sides of the walls. Near's was solid white where as Matt's was a pattern of red, white, and black stripes of varying wavy thickness and shades of red. Standing from the door, Matt's bed would be the first one visible. From there, a three-foot stretch of wall would come forward before it spaced out into the rectangular room. That three-foot span along the wall was the room for the closet, a space the two roommates shared easily. Two short, three-drawer dressers that had been moved from their proper places along the opposite wall under the window and shoved inside the closet space to make for more open space.
On one of their trips, they had used a small portion of their spending money to purchase a round, decorative white rug with black edges to place in the middle of the floor for Near to lay on. The floor decoration actually matched the walls quite well in its monochromatic simplicity.
Judging by the look of the walls, anyone who didn't know about its history would think that one or two artists had been living there. Instead, the wall was filled with portraits, sketches, designs, and line art done by Linda - Near's ever-persistent 'stalker'. Although she had other friends of the Arts, she always preferred Near's company to that of the artists. She would sit at his side for hours, asking simply if she could stay and draw him or something he had built in the Playroom. As a result of that, Almost the entire wall opposing their shared closet was covered in pictures. Personally, Matt's favorite was the vine-like sheet that was the inspiration for his SP design. It was the simplest thing on the wall, but somehow that made it the most likable.
Matt lay on his stomach, his legs bent and standing against the wall so that he could face Near to watch him make the puppets. He had spaced out as he watched the boy pour a small amount of powder from his kit package into a bowl Matt had gotten for him from the kitchen.
"Matt."
The boy didn't look up from his mixing of the powder and the water with his left hand while his right hand was currently carving his custom design for his finger puppet into the malleable shape of the mould.
"Yes?" he responded, shaking himself out of his daydreaming state.
The pale boy looked up at him through the curls of his white hair. His shirtsleeve fell over his hand and dipped into the power and water mix, but Near didn't seem to care. Instead, he only looked back down, folded up his sleeve, and continued working on his new toy.
"I asked you where you were last night," he murmured, mixing the liquid intently as he did so.
"Oh," he replied lamely, scratching the back of his head, "I was at... I was at... err..."
Near's trustworthy, but I need to keep L a secret.
The boy looked up again and locked eyes with his roommate on the bed. Matt squirmed under his intent gaze and turned his face downward to cough into the bed sheets.
"I'm sorry, Near, I can't tell you."
The younger boy slipped out his seldom seen smile and cocked his head to the right childishly as if he were consoling and comforting his roommate.
"You need not tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. At the very least, I could tell that you weren't with Mello. That certainly adds to the mystery, but I can see that you're not physically hurt so everything's okay for now."
As those words left Near's chalk-pink lips, Matt was sent through another mental dive into his thoughts and memories. It was already Thursday night and Mello still hadn't spoken to him since Monday. He had tried to hide his growing fear of losing their friendship, but where Mello had failed to see his true feelings Near had seemingly picked up on it. It was true that Matt generally got along better with Near that caused some people to wonder about who Matt's real best friend was. Still, something about Mello had always kept Matt stuck to his side like super glue. Parting with the boy would be a long and painful process that involved some kick, scratching, biting, and even tearing.
Ouch. Matt mentally winced from the thought. Tearing.
He watched Near give the powder and water mixture a final few stirs and then set the finger puppet into the mould.
Deciding that he was thirsty after a few minutes, he got up to go downstairs in the kitchen for a water bottle. There would be no visiting Panda, for the previous night's happenings clearly had a lasting effect on the older man when he had requested that he be left alone for the next night.
"I'll be back," Matt called behind him as he got up off his bed and strode to the door, "so don't lock up yet, alright?"
"Alright," Near responded softly.
Matt turned to open the door as the younger boy had responded, only to find a somewhat alarmed Mello standing there. He looked back at Near, but the boy didn't bother to look up as his current attention was going toward his finger puppets and pouring the liquid into his finished mould. Turning back to face the blond, Matt found that he was already making his way to a room in the opposite direction of his own a few feet away. The sign on the door read "Skye and Terra," decorative and neatly carved thanks to Terra's talent with his hands.
Mello shot him a lingering glare before he entered the twins' room telling the redheaded gamer not to follow inside. With a sigh, Matt walked the other direction in the hallway, talking the slightly longer route to get to the stairs to go down to the dining room.
He heard me talking to Near again, Matt thought fleetingly as he descended down the steps.
Entering the room, he turned immediately to his right to lift the lid of the red and white chest and rescued an icy bottle from its chilly home. He twisted the cap off the bottle and took a deep drink from it, not caring that some of the cold water was seeping down his forearm and onto his shirt.
"Matt."
With a slight shock, he nearly dumped all of the water from his lips to his body and turned around to see the timid Terra standing behind him. The boy giggled and swiped his hair out of his eyes as Matt reached down to retrieve the leaking water bottled from the floor before capping it and setting it atop the ice chest.
"Yeah?" he asked, wiping his hands off on his cargo pants.
Without thinking, he stripped off his shirt and began wiping the wooden floor with it, effectively and unconventionally drying the wooden floorboards. The icy water numbed his fingers through the shirt, making him shiver reflexively as he flipped the shirt over to wipe the floor once more.
"What are you doing here?" the gamer interrogated, his voice coming out harsher than he meant for it to sound. Wincing, he softened up his tone to ask, "does Skye know?"
Terra smiled kindly at him, and stepped to the spot beside Matt so that his's rainbow socks interrupted Matt's constant vision of dark wood colors. Those were the socks Matt had laughingly bought the boy for his birthday last year back when Terra offhandedly mentioned that he wished his world had more color. Being the great friend that he was, Matt went out and bought them.
"I told them I was going to the restroom and entered through one door and slipped out the other. You wanted to talk to you."
"Me?" Matt asked, disbelieving.
"Yes," the boy chuckled, "of course you."
He paused for a moment and looked up at the brunet standing standing at his side. Off handedly he noted that Terra's hairstyle had gotten to be a bit longer than he normally kept it, the sillky-looking strands brushing his shoulders in uneven lengths. The pencil he had behind his left ear was now poking out from between the strands rather than how they used to block them from falling into the pale boy's face.
"Alright then," Matt looked up into the boy's hazel eyes, "what do you want to talk about?"
Terra took in a calm breath and stared back down at Matt with unusual confidence.
"Mello isn't mad at you."
For a moment, Matt stopped rubbing at the floor. He turned and looked at the boy standing beside him, hands pinching nervously at the hem of his shirt like he always did when he was around Matt.
"What?"
He realized with a little astonishment that his thoughts had accidentally translated into words that he'd nearly shouted at the slighter boy. Terra was strangely unfazed by Matt's momentary shock and simply repeated himself.
"I just wanted to tell you that Mello's not mad at you, okay?"
He ended the conversation awkwardly and abruptly with a quick, dance-like pivot of his heel. Terra stepped out into the hallway once more and hurried back up the stairs, disappearing as suddenly as he had appeared.
Maybe they're both meant to be thieves, he wondered, impressed by how soundlessly the smaller boy moved.
Matt craned his head out into the empty hallway and watched the teen leave quickly up the stairs, wincing at the sound of the boy almost tripping on the second to top step.
Or not.
The redhead looked down at his ruined shirt and sighed.
Mello's not mad? Then he shouldn't be acting like this. It's misleading to the point of wanting to tear my hair out, that silly idiot.
Part of him wanted to return to Panda's room, but he would have been imposing on the man's hospitality if he did so. Besides, L was the one that had said he needed some times. If that was what he needed, Matt would gladly give it to him, so instead of giving in, he simply folded his now wet shirt on his arm and picked out three more water bottles from the ice chest before returning to his room. Near would be needing something to drink soon anyway.
Heading up the stairs, he carried the four objects awkwardly and headed to his room.
- -
"Friday," Matt breathed, laughing as he rolled around in his bed.
Classes were over for the week and the redhead wanted nothing more than to relax. Normally, this would have called for some quality time with Mello, but the redhead found himself unable to do such a thing. Even with Terra's informative input the other day, nothing had changed between Matt and Mello. Of course, magic like that never happened overnight, Matt was well aware of that, but the fact that Mello had been ignoring him all week was infuriating. The evanescent feeling of relief was quickly replaced by a nagging annoyance.
Was it because of the note? Because I wouldn't tell him? This isn't the first time I've had nothing to say regarding one of his questions... He's never been so dramatic about it before.
He remembered the way Mello had looked from across the room. He'd snuck quick glances over at the blond during their breaks today and ended up with nothing. Terra, on the other hand, would shoot him apologetic glances and return to politely listening to whatever it was Skye and Mello had been talking about. He'd been too afraid to try to talk to Mello. The boy was like a sleeping time bomb. If you pressed the wrong buttons, he'd start his inevitable countdown to blow up in your face. Matt knew from watching that once Mello blew up at someone, friendship could never be salvaged again.
Slapping at memory aside, Matt propped himself up on his bed again and looked around his room. He grabbed his SP from its place in the corner, disconnecting the charging cord and slipping the console into his jacket pocket. In a flurry of movement, he was out of his room and down the stairs, heading with conviction toward the front room entrance. Heading down two flights of stairs passed quickly as the teen only had his goal in mind. Only half aware of his actions, the crimson-haired boy flicked the power switch to his game and the sound of Kingdom Hearts floated into the air. Without looking, he selected Riku's Story to play and made his way down the hall past Roger's office.
Suddenly, the door of the office opened and the man who operated the House stepped out into the hallway.
"Matt," he almost exclaimed, "I was just about to go looking for you."
The redhead frowned unnoticably.
"Well, sir, I'm here now. Did you need me for something?"
He quickly shut his Gameboy and slipped it into his pants pocket and began to fiddle with the sleeve of his shirt as he followed Roger into his office. Like the rest of the House, Roger's Office was the same dark shade of cherrywood. There was more room in this part of the House than seemed necessary, but no one ever complained. It wasn't like the room here took away from the space of other rooms inside the House.
It always smelled like coffee and cinnamon in the Office, almost like the place was an entirely different home in its own right. In the back of the left side of the room was a door that led to the space that most people assumed was where Roger slept. Some kids thought that maybe there was a whole bathroon and kitchen in there because of the herb garden that was closed off outside that no one was allowed to go into. Bushed lined that section of the House quicte thickly so no one could ever truly judge the space that was behind the door. Because there was a balcony on the girl's part of the dorm that overlooked that section of the herb garden, no one could ever go to a higher floor and try to look out.
The inside of the office space was large and unnecessarily filled with many books. Matt knew that Mello had never gotten a chance to go through them but could easily imagine the boy thumbing through them for hours on end. Most of the titled included the words 'Child Psychology' in their title or subtitle. Come to think of it, Matt could see Skye pouring over the books as well. The the atheletic twin and Mello would probably quiz each other later. Well, it was more likely that Mello would be doing the quizzing and studying.
Mello...
The name echoed in his head prompting a sad smile from his lips. When he saw the look on Roger's worried face, he quickly wiped the smile out of his features and returned ot a neutral expression of aloofness.
"Where are you headed?" the man asked gently as soon as they had shut the door.
"To the clock tower room?" Matt replied, uncertain. "Why? Is something wrong?"
He saw some sort of pained expression cross over the man's face and quickly disappear.
"Well... nevermind. You are dismissed."
"Uhh... yes, sir?"
Younger children ran past him, excited to go outside and play in the little bit of daylight that was left for the next two hours. Unable to bring himself to share their excitement, Matt sat down on the couch and stared intently at the bright screen of his SP. Soon, the area had cleared out again and he ducked behind the couch and entered the hidden passageway for the fifth time that week.
He called out the older man's name toward the other end of the tunnel as he neared the round entrance to the hidden tower room. Receiving no reply, he forced himself to intrude on the detective's privacy and stepped into the room. He froze in place at the sight of the room before him.
Well, more like what the room was lacking.
The head of the House had upped and left the tower room and the bed was back to the way it had looked the week before, perfectly cold and untouched. The water heating plate he'd had with him was gone and the computers were shut down. Matt walked slowly to the table that held the electronics and laid the back of his hand against the vents in the equipment. They were cold. He looked around, a dull, heatless sensation filling his chest. Almost everything was back to the way it had been. The only thing that even indicated that a person had been here in the past few days was the sugary smell that filled the air and the note on the table.
Wait. Note on the table?
In contrast to the cold room, on his the table beside the bed sat an envelope with an ornate M scripted onto the middle. Matt sat down on the small bed and carefully opened the envelope seal. Just as he foolishly expected, inside was a letter addressed to him.
Matt:
Please forgive me for leaving you earlier than I had predicted and without any forewarning. Keeping the memories inside me was simply too much to bear two nights ago, because when I had told you my story opened up what I thought to be healed wounds. Still, to even think that I would be functional in such a short time would be ludicrous.
Luckily, I see no problem in informing you that I am still within the property of Wammy's House. If you wish, you may come find me. To make the search easier for you, I have given you a rather obvious clue as to where my next three locations are.
Although I do not expect for you to find me tonight, I surely hope that as the third place child in the House, you will be able to find me rather quickly. (This is a challenge, if you have not figured it out yet.) Understand that the task of finding the hidden rooms is more than half the work and often more complex than just one simple puzzle.
Your time limit will be until I am off to solve another case again, in which case I will be returning to a location I can never, under any circumstances, disclose to you. Can you see where I am coming from? Doubting your own abilities would be a sad mistake on both our parts, because I sincerely believe you will be able to find me.
Right now, still probably are not looking for the hidden message yet. Have you already found the first clue or have you found them all yet? 'Yes' would be the preferred answer to the latter question, but my logic says that you have not.
Only when you finish this letter will you be able to see what I have hidden here. Everything is systematically laid out to the point where a single glance could give you the first clue.
Obscure yet obvious clues of the same nature - it is all I have to offer you as of this moment. Now let us hope that you can find me soon and we can talk face to face once more.
Matt, just know that your continued friendship means more to me than you know and that I am grateful that you found this room and found me.
L
The boy chuckled at the blatantly obvious first clue. P-L-A-Y-R-O-O-M. Who could miss that? Even though the empty feeling still lingered in his chest, he was able to smile at the notion of even having a single clue that led him to secret rooms in the House. His mind wandered along the possibility of even finding one of the rooms and he cheered inwardly at the thought of seeing L again.
Seeing L again.
Had he really just become more excited over L than he was over Mello? Well, it's not like there was anything particularly wrong with that…
Matt sighed, plopping down onto the bed and laying down. He flipped over and breathed in deeply, the scent of lingering sugar seeping into his senses. It was comforting feeling, almost like the man himself was embracing him as he pulled the neatly folded blanket over his body. He snuggled into the slowly warming sheets, ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of his head that told him this behavior could be potentially dangerous. Instead, he wrapped himself inside the blankets tighter almost like the inanimate cloth was holding and cradling him with the utmost care a mother would give her newborn.
What if I can't find L? What if he moves on to a new case before i can see him again? What if... but do I even matter that much to him? And how much does he matter to me? What is he to me?
He lay there for a long while, the letter sitting on the table in front of him, lost in contemplation. The familiar feel of the entire room pressed into every one of his senses, almost drowning his thoughts in an overload of L.
What were we to each other? Friends? That was for sure, but what kind? This definitely isn't a father-son kind of relationship. To think that would be ridiculous considering how we've both grown up without parents. Of course, that doesn't mean that parentless kids don't grow up to become successful parents themselves, but that just doesn't fit us.
Matt rolled over and faced the wall.
Then is this brotherly love? He is old enough to be a brotherly figure to me, after all... But no, this isn't like how Skye and Terra are with each other. They're more... more something else. This is different from what they have. And I know for a fact that this isn't hero worshipping either. What is this? Is there such thing as just simple friendship?
Finally, he pulled out his SP from his pocket and began playing, his arms cramped close to his face from the blanket's flexible walls. He watched the screen of his game intently, losing himself in his thoughtless mind as he guided the little silver-haired antihero around the screen to collect more red and green spheres that were bouncing around the room. He smiled to himself as Riku plowed through another group of Heartless on the screen.
The constant button pressing and the repetitive music of the game lulled him into a more peaceful state. With his mind relaxed and tuned into the game, his thoughts came more logically, more rationally.
So him and I are friends. I can just label us as so.... No, no. We don't need a label. We shouldn't have a label because the name of whatever it is that we share doesn't matter, he decided, licking his lips.
With that final thought in his head, Matt rose up out of his coccoon-like bundle and folded the blankets neatly to the position they were in before his interrupture. Tidying the room, he exited the space thorugh the tunnel and began his trip back down to the ground floor.
Tomorrow, he would go to the Playroom with Near. Of course, there was the plan of exactly how he was going to pull off casually searching the room while the top kid of the House was in the same room as him, but that could wait.
All that's important is that I will definitely see L tomorrow. I'll make sure it happens.
Sorry I didn't italizice everything. I don't have enough time to go through every little part of it, but I'll try to find some time to spiffy this one up on a free day, alright? Much love!! biggrin
 minikimii · Mon Feb 02, 2009 @ 02:49am · 0 Comments |
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