have this fealing in my stomach everytime i look at someone who is happy, or read about people who are happy. I don't know why but i just seem unhappy, I don't understand why though. Maybe its the awkward teenage years i bet it is. This feeling maybe its jealousy. It it? I bet it is, I'm sure they worked for it though,maybe i ecpect things just to unravvel like in storys. I want to fall in love really badly, I want that feeling of happiness, well i might want to fall in love but i think i just want someone to care and hold my hand. For god sakes, i mean my sister who is ******** 12 has all ready had a boyfriend and me, do you know what my boyfriends count is, well its zero. Yeah i'm pathetic. I want something to happen like in Twilight Bella meets Edward and just sort of falls in love with him right on the spot and he to her. I want something like that to happen to me even though I know it never will. Today when I was hanging out in the liveing room and my sister asked my mom if she believes in love at first, she said no. Something about that really made me think for some reason, I mean is there such a thing as love at first sight? She says that you need to get to know a person before you can actually fall in love with someone. I'm not sure about it, i wonder if for some people can you just look someone in the eye and know everything about them, not likes and dislikes but if they're over all a good person or someone you could love. In storys they fall in love at first sight, but in ALL storys something like that happens. Its called chemistry I guess.
Its not only that but i only feel happy i mean REALLY happy at night. I was eating some cereal and i decided just to go out and sit on the empty drive way. I mean who was gonna stop me my parents weren't home and my sister obviously doesn't care at all what I do. So i took my bowl and went out and just sat in the middle of the drive way for like a half an hour, and I felt happy not that feeling that weird uncomfertable feeling there anymore. A fter that when my parents got home i leaned against the wall and looked at the sky for a few seonds, i would've stayed longer but i didn't want my parents to ask my why I was doing that. If they asked me that i could either lie, which i didn't want to, or explain my "feelings" I hate that it makes me feel over emotional. I also hate crying in front of people, at all when my grandma died I couldn't cry confortably I locked my self in my room and told my family to leave me alobe, it sucked becuase i was the first one to see her and it was christmas eve. Not to mention I was very close to her so I really missed her and I still do.I think i was elleven when I found her. It was horrible. She was awsome she lived in an add on in the house it was like a very small appartment and i visited her often we liked to play cords. How did i get on this subject I guess I'm scatter brained or more than usuall.
I wish I was vampire they can stay awake all night, becuase they have to well it depends on what your interpertation of a vampire is either way they are night creatures however you put it. I want to go outside again, but my sis is still up and she'll tell my mom she hates that i stay up so late and wake up so late . I'm not sure if becuase i'm just lazy or I dislike being around people although I'm sure its a little bit of both but i'm not sure which one over powers the other.
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