I just seem to get mad at everything now I don't even know why. All I want to do is stay in my room and just hang out or whatever, not because i'm lazy or anything (contrary to my parents beliefs) I just don't want to talk to people or be near them. Now everyone thinks i'm a lazyass, but i just want to be away from everyone. I don't feel like anyone understands me, damn teenage hormones. I guess its normal right at my age, but people my age around me seem happy. Even people who have terribale historys are happy. And I laugh at the stupidest things or at the stupidest times. I can't stand knowing i'll be alone for my whole life, I guess I don't know that but what kind of guy would love me just a weirdo. There's nothing special about me i'm not that smart, i don't have any musical talents, i can't write lyrics or poems or anything. I feel bad for feeling so sad and mad, I watched freedom writers yesterday and it almost made me cry kids actually had lives like that you didn't have to do anything if they survived till the end of the day they were happy. Me i get almost everything i want but i'm not happy.
I remember one time i went on a late night dog walk with my dad and my sister and duh our dog. I saw a shooting star and wished for what i've wanted for a long time. I wished that i could be happy. That means that i can finds friends that i really connect with, my mom stops treating me like i'm just some girl that lives in her house and more like her daughter. I wish my mom would stop thinking that i can do everything by myself. yeah i might be able but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't mind haveing her just sign me up for somehing herself instead of telling me to and then yelling at me when i don't It sounds stupid and childish i know, but my friends moms sign them up for things. There moms take them to the place get a form talk to whoever's in charge of it and making the effort to do something nice for there daughter. Today it was like 3:00 and she i heard her say " has anyone even seen emily today" the way she said it just made me want to just break down and cry. I don't know why that one thing affected me so much but it did, i didn't cry i went out and acted mad I sneered at coments she made, she was trying to be funny like little jokes at my expense she might not have ment anything but it hurt my feelings (DAMN YOU EMOTIONS).
i thought about cutting a couple times, I've even tryed but none of the knives or scissors that i could get my hands on were sharp enough. The thought of cutting used to be an alien thought that made me sick to my stomach, but it is no longer alien and now has a been reacurring more and more in my mind. I'm afraid though i've heard bad things that might happen like death of blood loss and passing out things like that.
Sometimes I wish i didn't have emotions they clutter the world up and make things messy. Once i read this greek myth clled pandora's box it was about an incredably beautiful women who was I believe created by zuess for revenge for someone who stole the gods fire, she was also given the gift (or curse) of insatiable curiosity. She was given a box and she was named pandora. She was not told what was inside the box or what would happen if she opened it. She was sent to the human world and there she waited with her box, eventually her curiosity got the better of her and she opened the box. Out of the box hundreds of creatures swormed out the creatures were things such as jealousy, hatred, depression all of the negative emotion in the world today. The creatures bit and stung everyone in sight causing them to have the emotion the creatures stood for evoked upon them for no apparent reason. Pandora realizing her mistake closed the box as soon as possible, she only left out one emotion though, this emotion was put in the bottom purposely by zeuss it was hope. The only thing the people had hope was locked in pandora's box.
of course its only a story but i think about it sometimes, what if it was true i mean who really knows, right? I thought about what the world would be like if pandora never opened the box, would it be better or would it be mundane and borrow due to the lack of conflict. WOuld it be safer with no hatred or jealousy theres no conflict so in other words no war, i would guess. I tryed to imagine what my family and i would be like in that world. I couldn't though i couldn't imagine my family in that peaceful happy world it's strange maybe not strange a little pathetic but not strange.
or what if we had no emotions would we be like robots, and if we didn't would there be a point of living? Is there a point of living now? If there is a point of living now then what is. I find myself asking these questions more and more, maybe it will get better once i go back to school...or maybe it won't. I only have one year left in America, I love england its amazing I love the weather and the architecture and the citys everything, but i don't think i want to move there. My mom says we'll only be there for a couple of years. What will happen when we come back from england, will my friends still want to be my friends? Will it be the same, will i be the same? what if my accent changes, what if my personality changes?
worst of all what if my friends have moved on by then, they've found a replacement for me...? I feel like they all ready are trying to find replacements for me, i talked to one of my friends on the phone and the only one it seemed as though that she wanted to see or talk to was another friend of mine that i haven't seen since school.
When I first come to england I'll be alone who knows i might even be alone after i've been there a year or so, then when i come back I'll be alone in america I'm conflicted with myself and I can't stop this feeling of well i don't know just a feeling I always am getting now. Sometimes I think that moving to england is a good thing a new start a clean slate i could pretend make myself popular but thats not gonna happen I'm to weird I probably won't even make any friends I try not to think about that but i can't help it. I'm gonna miss this house my grandma lived here with us till she dies christmas eve a few years ago. I really miss her she was so nice she even used to think that homework was bad. She taught me how to play cards when I was five, I always love to play cards no one wants to play with me though so i just play solitare by myself. My grandma died when I when i was ten i believe, i try not to think about it too much so I'm not that sure.
I'm not sure if i hate my life or not i'm just confused.
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