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May 12 2008
I am sick of life. I wish I could just give all my emotions away, I hate them they make everything worse. Emotions are what make people sad, what make peole cut themselves, I hate it. Yeah sure happiness and love and joy they're all nice i guess, but that small amount of happiness isn't worth all of the pain and suffering. I hate my life, my life isn't even that bad compared to so many others maybe I'm just a hateful. I have too many emotions, I read somewere that cancers (mystar sign) are over-emotional. mI bet that's true, people in general get on my nerves, they hurt people, they ridicule people they are the cause for everything bad in the world. There probably used to be nice people sometime ago, the kind of people that would help people without asking for something in return, or the kind of people that wouldn't care what people thought of them but just wanted everyone to be unhappy. I'm getting good grades I have nice friends I just can't stand anything anymore. I've thought of cutting my self I tryed about a week ago, it was just a butterknife it was the only thing I could find, it didn't work maybe it would've but I didn't push down on my skin hard enough. I tryed again today with a clothe pin it didn't work again it probably would have, it made a mark, but it didn't blead. I'm sure it could have I'm probably afriad though, I don't care about the pain, but I'm not sure if i could handle blood, I'm sort of afraid of it. i really don't care about my family anymore. Whenever I used to read books or watch movies about orphans, I used to imagine what I would do if my parents or sister died, whenever I imagined that I almost always started crying just from the feeling of never being able to hear my mom wake me up again, never being able to talk to my younger sister again, or never hearing my dad shout goal during soccer.Now though i don't cry (and i'm a pretty easy cryer too) i can't even imagine myself crying. I tryed to cry even tryed to really feel what it would feel like, but no tears would come out, i felt bad, but then i just didn't care. I just don't care anymore, i'm glad i don't care anymore too. I just want someone to tell me that eventually my life willbe better or something good might happen, but i hide my emotions, i bottle them up. I'm to scared to show them I'm scared that people will make fun of me scared that people would reject me just scared. So I always just write what I feel, because i'm not as afraid besides nobody reads this anyway, because nobody cares how I fell because nobody cares about me...
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