Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This is the first serious entry I've ever written. I never really had anything that I wanted to say in such a manner but this time I have something that I really need to get off my chesr. Even if no one reads this I need to write it down, maybe it will help me come to terms with what it happening.

For the last 5 years I have been aware of a guy who was in my class (I just finished year 12 last year) who had a crush on me. He was a nice enough guy but I never ever liked him as anything more than a friend, and even then I was never really comfortable around him. He was always overly serious and formal, something that I cant stand; I love to laugh and smile and be silly and I could never be myself around him.

Last year he spent a lot more time trying to talk to me, to be honest I never enjoyed talking to him, because as I mentioned I couldn' be myself. He seemed to think that I was this really sweet innocent, kind and caring girl who was the nicest ever to walk the Earth. This is all wrong. Im not an unpleasent person but I am rather evil as well as completely warped. I care about my friends a great deal but I can be harsh to others very easily.

I could sort of deal with this, especially this year by thinking: "that's, ok, after this year Ill never have to speak to him or see him ever again. That made me able to smile and act polite whenever we talked.

However this has changed.

This guy is really smart, he did the really hard subjects at school and did well in them, You would then think he would go to Uni, going to Uni as seemed to suit who he was. I was therefore a little suprised when I saw his name in the TAFE offers. At first I thought he must just have applied as a safety net for if he didnt get into Uni. I looked to see what course he was doing (as I was doing with all the people I knew) and I was shocked and slightly horrified to see that he was doing that same course as me. I am doing a Librarian course which I know would not be something that he would be interested in doing.

I was so shocked that I was shaking, I cant remember the last time I was so shock, I felt queasy and was shaking like a leaf. My only conselation was that I was sure that he would get into a Uni course and I would be safe.

However today the Uni application results come out and his name wasnt there. Im unsure as to whether this meant he missed out on his course or....something that scares me a lot...whether he didnt apply. Once again Im shaking like a leaf and I feel reall really sick.

Im actually really scared by this. I mentioned to him at the formal what I would be doing and Im terrified that he changed his preferences to do the same course as me.

This makes me really nervous, is this guy really stalking me? I dont know but I dont want to find out, I never want to see him again but the way things are going it looks like Ill have to see him for another 2 years, as that is how long the course goes for.

Im also really scared that he'll start being more forward about wanting a relationship with me, something that I have no desire to do.

Im hoping that Ill be able to make a few new firends really quickly who I can sit with and hang out with so I can avoid him. I dont even want to confront him about it, or reject him. I just want to avoid him completely.

Well that was a rather long rant and I do feel a little better. (still shaking, still feel sick...hmmm maybe not) Im still hoping that something else will come up for him and he wont do the course.