I read all the books in order and when the 4th book came out, I was at the bookstore at12 in the morning!!!! Talk about addicted!!!
I LOVED the movie and James was so weird in it! whee
LOL!
The only 2 things that I think they could've worked on was when Edward went in the sun (he didn't look that sparkly....) and some of the diolauge was a bit TOO basic.
Overall though, IT WAS WONDERFUL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE READING THE SERIES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!
Read this hilarious reveiw! whee
Devil of Daybreak
First, this movie was about vampires. Second, there was a part of me-- and I didn't know how dominant that part was-- that wanted to walk out, right now. Third, people were somehow hopelessly, irreconcilably in love with this movie.
I saw Twilight in theaters recently, and I… Well… Before I rant about the sheer disgust, I’d like to let it be known that this movie should have appealed to me. I’m not just some angry troll. I’m not just writing this article for the lulz. I’m actually doing this to voice my hatred for both Stephanie Meyer (for writing this s**t) and [director’s name] (for turning said s**t into a movie). I like vampires. I like vampire movies. I like vampire books. I’ve had that little phase where I want to f**k a vampire. I like shitty romance movies. I loved “Sleepless in Seattle,” for God’s sake. I even took my equally vampire-loving girlfriend to go see it, solely for the fact that we had nothing better to do. In theory, we should’ve have both loved it to the point that we dropped down in to the ground and spasmed in a pool of our own seminal fluids. That, regrettably, was not the case.
Returning to Twilight, the whole premise is Betty Sue (we’ll call her Bella) and Billy Joe (this one will be Edward) are poured into a perfect relationship. No conflict at all, except for the fact that Edward is a vampire. Eventually, Bella figures this out by reading old Native American legends and then cross-referencing them with Google, and magically finding vampires by typing in “cold ones” (I’ve tried this. Beer comes up for like 16 pages). Bella then confronts Edward in a dark-yet-sunlit forest away from all humanity, which is obviously the place to tell a dude you know his deep dark secret, especially if that guy IS a vampire, who would easily kill you about seventy-four different shades of dead. Fortunately, he’s a vegetarian. Huzzah! Gore fest averted! But, oh noes! Edward gets into the sunlight, and like all vampires in sunlight (well, most of them, anyway) he explodes, and the movie ends right there. At least, that would be the logical closure point. Turns out, instead of just making him a day-walker, Stephanie Meyer decided to make him sparkle like a ******** diamond.
Continuing on, Bella gets to meet Edward’s vampire family/clan. Fortunately, the new girl in town that has no real friends is more than eager to meet a flock of undead turbo-zombies that would normally want to gnaw at her jugular vein. Fortunately, they are also vegetarians—which, I have to explain. I should have earlier, but I didn’t. By “vegetarians,” it means they won’t kill people and drink human blood. But, if you have any pets or anything, they’ll kill the s**t out of that and drain it like a freeze pop. Anyway, like I was saying… They’re all vegetarians. The dad’s like a ******** vegan, or something, and there are these other three vampires that are out killing people and doing cool vampire things—pillaging, incest, etc. One of them is even a black guy.
These other vampires have a chance encounter with Edward’s family while they’re playing baseball (because the living dead have nothing better to do with their immortal lives than play baseball) and can smell Bella’s succulent virgin flesh. The black guy realizes they’re outnumbered and says, and I may be paraphrasing, “f**k this, I’m thinking Arby’s.” Dumb white guy vampire and his girlfriend decide to try to eat Bella, like a vampire would do, and they’re promptly ditched by Edward’s family, who refuse to play baseball anymore. Assholes!
So, this guy hunts down Bella, tries to eat her, Edward’s family saves her, kills the guy, and his girlfriend is nowhere to be found. There’s a prom, and a hospital stay, and some tongue-massaging. Yeah, gets kinda sultry. I spurted a little just thinking about it. Then, just before the end credits, the dead guy’s girlfriend walks down some stairs, watching Bella and Edward dance at the prom. Thus, the next book will be a sequel, too!
Shitty storyline isn’t what makes this movie terrible. The story only makes it bad. The casting is worse, getting a no-name, no talent actor or actress to portray… well… just about everyone. The only guy who has any notable experience is the guy that played Edward. He played a character in another series I love to hate—Harry Potter. He was Cedric Diggory, the dude that Voldemort killed right after materializing. The girl that played Bella, and I s**t you not, has been seen in various pictures, in public, smoking a crackpipe. So, they quite literally casted a crack whore to play in the role that will inevitably become a role model for tween girls. Every character was completely two-dimensional and most of the movie was just suggestive teenage dialogue, coupled with angst and occasional sighs and eye movements. Thus, it remained faithful to the book. The cinematography made me miss Quarantine, Cloverfield, and the Blair Witch Project. The camera angles were equally deplorable. I found it genuinely hard to stomach ANY part of this movie. At all.
Twilight receives a 2 out of 10 rating. This means that it could be worse, but only if someone curb-stomped a dying baby in the middle of production and fed it to a sheep dog. After ******** it. But, if you have no taste, you’ll probably love it. I’ve heard from some people that it is, verbatim, “the best movey ever. almost good as harry poter.”
See my point?
Next review will be on “The Punisher: War Zone.” Stay tuned, kiddies.
I saw Twilight in theaters recently, and I… Well… Before I rant about the sheer disgust, I’d like to let it be known that this movie should have appealed to me. I’m not just some angry troll. I’m not just writing this article for the lulz. I’m actually doing this to voice my hatred for both Stephanie Meyer (for writing this s**t) and [director’s name] (for turning said s**t into a movie). I like vampires. I like vampire movies. I like vampire books. I’ve had that little phase where I want to f**k a vampire. I like shitty romance movies. I loved “Sleepless in Seattle,” for God’s sake. I even took my equally vampire-loving girlfriend to go see it, solely for the fact that we had nothing better to do. In theory, we should’ve have both loved it to the point that we dropped down in to the ground and spasmed in a pool of our own seminal fluids. That, regrettably, was not the case.
Returning to Twilight, the whole premise is Betty Sue (we’ll call her Bella) and Billy Joe (this one will be Edward) are poured into a perfect relationship. No conflict at all, except for the fact that Edward is a vampire. Eventually, Bella figures this out by reading old Native American legends and then cross-referencing them with Google, and magically finding vampires by typing in “cold ones” (I’ve tried this. Beer comes up for like 16 pages). Bella then confronts Edward in a dark-yet-sunlit forest away from all humanity, which is obviously the place to tell a dude you know his deep dark secret, especially if that guy IS a vampire, who would easily kill you about seventy-four different shades of dead. Fortunately, he’s a vegetarian. Huzzah! Gore fest averted! But, oh noes! Edward gets into the sunlight, and like all vampires in sunlight (well, most of them, anyway) he explodes, and the movie ends right there. At least, that would be the logical closure point. Turns out, instead of just making him a day-walker, Stephanie Meyer decided to make him sparkle like a ******** diamond.
Continuing on, Bella gets to meet Edward’s vampire family/clan. Fortunately, the new girl in town that has no real friends is more than eager to meet a flock of undead turbo-zombies that would normally want to gnaw at her jugular vein. Fortunately, they are also vegetarians—which, I have to explain. I should have earlier, but I didn’t. By “vegetarians,” it means they won’t kill people and drink human blood. But, if you have any pets or anything, they’ll kill the s**t out of that and drain it like a freeze pop. Anyway, like I was saying… They’re all vegetarians. The dad’s like a ******** vegan, or something, and there are these other three vampires that are out killing people and doing cool vampire things—pillaging, incest, etc. One of them is even a black guy.
These other vampires have a chance encounter with Edward’s family while they’re playing baseball (because the living dead have nothing better to do with their immortal lives than play baseball) and can smell Bella’s succulent virgin flesh. The black guy realizes they’re outnumbered and says, and I may be paraphrasing, “f**k this, I’m thinking Arby’s.” Dumb white guy vampire and his girlfriend decide to try to eat Bella, like a vampire would do, and they’re promptly ditched by Edward’s family, who refuse to play baseball anymore. Assholes!
So, this guy hunts down Bella, tries to eat her, Edward’s family saves her, kills the guy, and his girlfriend is nowhere to be found. There’s a prom, and a hospital stay, and some tongue-massaging. Yeah, gets kinda sultry. I spurted a little just thinking about it. Then, just before the end credits, the dead guy’s girlfriend walks down some stairs, watching Bella and Edward dance at the prom. Thus, the next book will be a sequel, too!
Shitty storyline isn’t what makes this movie terrible. The story only makes it bad. The casting is worse, getting a no-name, no talent actor or actress to portray… well… just about everyone. The only guy who has any notable experience is the guy that played Edward. He played a character in another series I love to hate—Harry Potter. He was Cedric Diggory, the dude that Voldemort killed right after materializing. The girl that played Bella, and I s**t you not, has been seen in various pictures, in public, smoking a crackpipe. So, they quite literally casted a crack whore to play in the role that will inevitably become a role model for tween girls. Every character was completely two-dimensional and most of the movie was just suggestive teenage dialogue, coupled with angst and occasional sighs and eye movements. Thus, it remained faithful to the book. The cinematography made me miss Quarantine, Cloverfield, and the Blair Witch Project. The camera angles were equally deplorable. I found it genuinely hard to stomach ANY part of this movie. At all.
Twilight receives a 2 out of 10 rating. This means that it could be worse, but only if someone curb-stomped a dying baby in the middle of production and fed it to a sheep dog. After ******** it. But, if you have no taste, you’ll probably love it. I’ve heard from some people that it is, verbatim, “the best movey ever. almost good as harry poter.”
See my point?
Next review will be on “The Punisher: War Zone.” Stay tuned, kiddies.
