Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I really hate it when I decide to over-look my life.
I do it so often that I have nothing to do but sulk over the mistakes I've made.
And all the mistakes I made were stupid ones.
I know better, so why the ******** did I do them?
And yes, I'm going cuss all I want in here.
There's your goddamn warning.

First off, why the hell did I EVER put my heart on my sleeve. Seriously. I've seen SO MANY ******** HEARTBREAKS.
Why the hell did I do it?!

Then, with Dyllan.
Why the ******** did I just let him off the hook after he ******** used me.
Was it because I didn't care? Or did I care, but I just didn't know?
Gr.

Then, of course, with the worst like... three months of my life.
Josh.
Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh.
Why the ******** did I ever listen to him? Why did I ever believe him?
Why did I let him trample over my goddamn heart, and I still let him do it now?
Goddamnit.
I don't care that he does it anymore. I don't cry over it like I did.
I seriously couldn't care any ******** less.
But what bothers me is that he constantly uses me.
Everytime him and his girlfriend, who has cheated on him six times in each relationship, and this is the girl he broke me for, he decides to talk to me.
"Katie, I really miss you.You said we'd be friends, but you never talk to me. I really am sorry for all the horrible things I've done to you. I hope you can forgive me."

And each time, I say the same thing. "Then prove it. Prove to me you're sorry, and don't start the crap about me not wanting to be your friend. You choose to ignore me." And, of course, I get stuck being the soft one and add. "But I miss you too, Josh. Really." And then I say something dumb and suddenly-Gasp!- him and his girlfriend are back together, and he ignores me once again.

Funny.
I tell people all the time not to let anyone use them.
And I can't seem to stop it from happening to myself.
Because of Josh, I thought Elliott, who would do ANYTHING for me, was using me.
And Elliott got pissed because he knows how upset I can get...
How easily hurt I get...

Ugh.
I really ******** hate this with a passion.

I want to move really badly.
Away from society.
Away from most people.

Only a select few could come with me, if they wanted.
Everyone else, can go do whatever they want.


GR. ********.
I'm never gonna sleep now, and I feel like I'm going to bawl my ******** eyes out.

This s**t is ridiculous.
I need to learn how to be less naive. How to read between the lines, especially with Josh. Because, any day now, he'll decide to talk to me again for two days, milking whatever emotion and advice he can get from me.

Ugh.


I swear, I want to say that every guy out in the world is a douche bag.
But I'm not a complete b***h. A lot of guys aren't douche bags.
Hell, I bet if you read this far, and actually gave a flying ********, you aren't a douche bag.
But most guys are.
And I know a lot of guys who don't even deny the facts.




I guess, all in all, I'm just really tired of people using me.

Its happening way too much, and I really don't think I deserve it.

I just want some sort of compromise.

If someone is going to use me, don't let it be the guy I cried for months over.
Really. Its just ridiculous.
I still hate myself so much for all the thoughts I had then.

I hate the fact that I wanted to stop eating, so that maybe I'd be skinny enough for him.
I hate the fact that I thought I wasn't pretty when I was at least decent.
And I hate the fact that I wasted three months crying over him, and then up until now working on getting over it.
I'm better at it
But no one really knows how it is.

I shut down emotionally when I talk to him, because I know that if I didn't, I'd probably cry for a long time.














Ugh.
I still hate the fact that I'm somewhat jealous of his girlfriend.