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never cry for me, i want everybody i know to be able to smile. i want to see those faces, light with hope, and i want to know that i can make somebody in this world happy.

people at school call me an emo lesbian because i wear black and i don't gossip about guys 24/7 (yeah, some crime). people say i smoke in the bathrooms because my teeth are permanently one or two shades off from childhood medication (many, many ear infections). these hurt in ways that you wouldn't believe, because i feel that love should go to everybody, which makes my heart open and vulnerable. i can't form a protective shell around myself, because i love everybody. i'm so afraid of being hurt now, that i have started putting up walls. i need someone to save me, because my only persistent source of freedom left me. he decided i wasn't what he wanted, so he cheated on me and left me to find the evidence. i will never cry again, as long as my heart is this broken.

The Reason I Don’t Cry

You will never see me cry.
You will never feel my pain.
You will never hear me cry out in my sleep.
I will keep on my smile,
Even as I die inside.
I don’t want anyone to feel my pain.

Being a child,
Being alone and afraid.
Growing up,
Finding a first true love.
Watching them walk away.
Bleeding on the sidewalk
Won’t bring tears.
This pain doesn’t hurt,
No this pain doesn’t hurt.
The real pain
Is the hollowness in me.

I’ve cried so many times,
And for so many things,
That I’ve cried the last river I’ll cry.
I’ve stopped it up,
Put it away,
Locked it with key.
So I’ll smile at the insults,
And laugh at the rumors.
Because I’m so damaged inside,
So warped from these words,
These lies and forked tongues,
That I just don’t feel anymore.
I can’t feel emotion,
I can’t give it back.
I don’t know how to act
Because everything is frightening.
I can’t trust words.
I can’t trust smiles.
I can’t trust your touch or your happiness.
All I know is fear,
All I’ve known is pain.
All I can do is to keep up the wall.
All I can do is to . . . die inside.

My love is a pure love,
Because that’s all I know.
Anyone’s true warmth makes me live inside.
That’s when I live,
I really fly free.
But the warmth always fades away . . . sometime.
No matter what you say to me,
Even though I won’t cry;
I do hope that you know
How I’ll die inside.