Run. Must run. Run far far away.Thought a girl seeming to be about 14 winters (years old).Her mohagany hair just barley brushed her shoulders was trailing her.Her emerald eyes crazed with fright as she scanned the wood she ran through.
At her heels ran a shaggy red dog.It's pink tonge lolled as it ran swiftly through the green wood.
The girl consantly peered behind her to see if anyone was following her.Although it had been several days since she left the village.
She looked trashed.Her hunting breeches were torn and dirty.The rough deerskin tunic she wore had faded from brown to gray-brown.The under shirt seemed to be in good shape.Her black boots were scuffed and splattered with mud.Hooked over one shoulder was a quiver of arrows,safely attached to it was her bow.Lopped over her shoulder was a boar skin bag with some loaves f bread and an extra pair of of breeches along with a knife and water skins.
Looking staright ahead she saw a faint glimmering.Her swift pace slowed to a fast-walk.
T hey came to a clearing.A lively brook ran through it.She leaned on a boulder near the stream.She watched as the sun danced and shimmered over its surface.
The dog lay next to her.She pet the weary dog absently.
An errie whistling sounded. She ducked and pulled her legs to her chest.Then...
Thunk! Right where her foot hed been just moments before was an arrow.
OHHH cliff hanger just an idea i cooked up one day.Its was raining i was reading Wolf Brother (I suggest that book to anyone very good just currently finished Outcast the 4th one). What ever u like it smile u hate it sad or ur just bored so u read it just critiqe on it i currently workingon the 3rd chapter which proably wont be posted till maybe January ,my computers bugged(again) smile
Peace out Brezzey
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Yo hey wats up hows it going
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Dusk the SilverRaven
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User Comments: [1] [add]
User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
Okay, down to business.
I absolutely adore your opening. Catches the readers eyes rather quickly. Honestly, I was wondering what she is running from.
Yet, there are many grammar mistakes and sentence structure problems that are erking me.
1. Since this is in third person you have to write all thoughts like this 'insert thought'.
2. The second sentence is also somewhat bothering me. Personally, it would be kinder on the tongue if you just stated that she was just a teenager. If you do want to put her exact age like you did. The sentence would be better if you just wrote:
"....fouteen winters."
Don't put a author's note in the middle, end, or beginning of a sentence. That is what foot notes are for. I learned that the hard way. Long story.
3. The third sentence in the third sentence in the first paragraph seems to be a run-on in a way. Might want to describe her hair differently.
4. Try to use better vocabulary. I noticed that you used 'look' or 'watched' twice. Those are rather boring words to me.
5. The last two paragraphs or rather sentences are well just that, sentences. A paragraph should be four to five sentences atleast, unless there is dialogue or if you need to emphasize a last sentence to give your writng more of an impact.
6. Some grammatical errors. Nothing totally major.