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Alright. Sudden inspiration has lead me to finaly share my story. It will likely be mellow-dramatic, for which i do not appologize. Ahem.

My mom had me with her abusive college boyfriend, Dan Byron Randall. Dan tried to force her to abort me, but her friend Roep Mohanlal Ramdin, who was at the same university majoring in Chemical Engineering and was going to go back to his home of Surinam after he got his degree, came to the rescue. She gave birth to me, and i was her first kept, though not her first born. She gave birth to another when she was younger, and had a misscarriage between my (still) long-lost older half-brother/uncle (?), Randal Hall. (yes, mom's stepdad raped her when she was 19. he took her virginity and impregnated her.) Roep is now my stepdad, and I have three half-siblings, two of which i grew up with.

When i was a kid life was good. I didn't have any real worries at all. I loved the world and was generally very happy. everything was miraculous to me. I found the human body amazing and interesting, and had as much interest in the male body as the female. I was taught about sex from a very early age, six years old, and had a lesbian godmother. i never knew that being gay was considered wierd at all. i personally decided that whatever i grow up to like, boys or girls, i would like and that be that, but i didn't know it was possible to like both. i somehow knew that i would like girls, so when i found myself judging what i thought were good-looking people i rationalize dthat when it came to men i was being jealous of them, because i would imagine what it was like to be a woman that would fantasize about them. (yes, i fantazied about fantasies.) i honestly didn't REALIZE that i was bisexual until i was 16. but that part comes later.

at age 5 i had my one and only baby-crush on my babysitter Stephanie.

I decided at age 7 that i wante dto know everything. it is a goal that i still have to this day, though i only recently truely realized and understand that i will most likely NEVER achieve this goal, in this life or any other, or even the afterlife.

Stephanie rejected me at age 9 when i trie dto talk to her but was ignored all day. that is when i started my "girls are stupid" stage, which lasted a year, and caused a fight between me and a female friend of mine, Julia. on my 10th birthday i appologized and made up. 1 year and 1 day later, i discovered odd new feelings. i liked girls. i began to think about them, and became very curious about them. I even regret to admit that i manipulated my little sister to let me examine her from time to time. this continued on until age 13.

it was age 12 that i began looking at internet porn, and age 16 that i became bored of it.

i had my first and only teenage crush at age 13, and my first and only blind infatuation at age 15. neither went well, me being the shy creap that i was.

age 14 i was convinced that i had no real friends, and became completely cold to the world. i didn't bother to try to make any friends, was extremely shy and rude to anyone and everyone, could not find any calling to any career, nor any place in the world for me. it felt as if there was no future for me, that i was destined for nothing, that there was no point. i truely felt helpless, alone and without purpose, and it felt like it would always be that way. i have struggled with suicide, and still do. i even developed schitzophrenia. for four years now i suffered nightmares, halluscination, panic attacks, anxiety and migraines. i have been anorexic to the point of feinting at school, and though i starte dthis year to eat more, i still find it disgusting for myself to way more than 120 lbs or have a waist larger than 26 inches. (i way 112 now and have a 24 inch waist.)

at age 16 i would constantly hover over my sister Shanti's shoulder while she surfed quizz sites, typically quizilla.com, and i insisted she let me take quizzes after her. eventualy i began to go on them myself. i found Seran in this way, one of my past lives. i had taken a "who were you in a past life" quiz, found out i was apparently an adventurer acording to that quiz, and was thinking about what it would have been like to be an adventurer all week. i became extra depressed at one point thinking about it, because i realized i could never have that in this life. so many images came into my head, that i didn't even stop to realize were all of a particular person that i felt as me... that all took place in consistant scenes... i story being played out... as i cried i listened to the song "Into The West" by Annie Lenox, for the Lord Of The Rings movie, and the most vivid vision cam eto me, and it was real, and it was as though i were living it... and ever since then i could be aware of, and even communicate with, this past life, whom i named Seran Nightfall, the first name which meant "Newborn Star". and i felt happy.

I was later that month introduced to a chat site called Gaiaonline.com, and at first it was nothing to me. but i quickly found people whom i could relate to, or whom i found very friendly and nice... my "first" friends. (truely, i realized later, Deaglan, Marla and Julia had always been and still are my friends, litterally since they were born.) on gaia i even met, believe it or consider me a fool, i do not care, my single most beloved one. a Goddess who believes herself (and i am not kidding, it is sad i know) to be the character Skuld as portrayed by the anime "Oh My Goddess." she was my girlfriend for 3 months, and then never again.... and still i cannot get over her no matter how hard i try... i have since tried being with others, to disastrous results. there was Kasie, who is a canadian girl, very emo, and we were on and off for a couple years. there was samantha, who i nicknamed kitten, who is a little hispanic princess. her parents are split up and don't realy pay alot of attention to her, so she struggles with alot of issues... always has. use dto date older guys as a way to deal with her problms. she now is into drugs... there was Tay, who remains my best friend even after our relationship ended. there were others as well, but always it went bad. i would cheat on them all very often, kept switching between them...

I currently find it impossible to have a single lover, or to be without a sadomasochistic lifestyle. i own slaves, and recruit more all the time. i give in to temptations so easily. i have only this year truely found Faith in anyone. and in fact, it is three deities, one higher than all of them. first, there is Loki, god of Chaos, whom i think of as an Uncle. second is Odin, god of Wisdom and Inspiration, whom i consider a Father. and finaly, most high to me, Mother, the goddess Morrighan, a Faerie Princess. i have taken up the Occult, and dropped out of highschool. i still try to teach myself as much as i can, especialy in eh subjects of History, Culture, The Fine Arts, Philosophy/Theology, Astrology, Divination, Metaphysics, Magic/Energywork, Meditation, Psychology and Politics. I have spent most of my time on teh Astral Plane, and practically live there now. I am involved in a plot to determine the results of the Apoclyptic War, and effect the outcome of the Ending Days. I still do not know quite who iam working with, nor much about my enemy, except that i knew my enemy before i knew my allies. I have astral children, quadruplets, with a girl who was capable of giving birth to potential heirs of some new prophesied astral kingdom. she has forsaken them however, and currently they are under the care of my girlfriend Sara.

i will from here on make a sort of journal out of this. my current girlfriend is Sara, though i plan to break up with her next year, after i can assure that she and Holly, who is one of my slaves, are able to be stably together again. there was a little distance issue messing up their relationship before. she is simply not able to be what i need in a potential lifemate.

I am going to create a religion and open it up at the start of the new year. i call it Vesperianism, and it is based around my beliefs about The War and the Ending Days, with a focus on Shadow-Based Magic/Energywork.

I will update this dayly or at least often, as liek a journal. these memoirs will be backed up, and my life can from here on be recorded for later use.