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Character description: In this monologue, Lucille verbally abuses customers for no apparent reason. If a retail worker can actually speak their mind, this is what might come out. The character is a real moron, full of sarcasm and attitude.

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!

(Looks at the items the customer wishes to purchase, reaches for an item, but stops and points at it instead)

What is that? (Points to the customer) You are actually going to buy (Points the item) that?

(Picks up the item and scans it) Hey, whatever floats your boat lady. (Beat)

What do I mean? Nothing, I’ll get fired, never mind. Sorry I spoke. (Looks at the next item)

Oh god! Hahaha. Are you serious about those underwears? (Holds the underwears up) You can fit a dinosaur in these! Jesus! Why don’t you lose some weight or something? (Scans the underwears)

I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now. I’m bad, I know I’m bad. I’m just open—OH NO! BROWNIES!! You’re going to buy a box, NO, one, two, THREE, THREE boxes of brownies!? Wow, hey, be my guest… go for it. Come back in a week for a bigger size of undies. You can always exchange…

What? My manager? My manager is off duty right now.

What? You ARE speaking to someone… ME.

(Smiles sarcastically) Come on, just send down the next item so we can get this over with and you can get back to your farm. Come on, let’s go.

A polka dot dress! God, now it makes sense… you work for the circus, don’t you? You’re one of those freaks! Do you have a free ticket? C’mon do you? Just tickets for one… well fine then, don’t give me a ticket… that will be $29.99. (Beat)

Hey, why is your face turning red? That’s why you’ve got to lay off the pasta there, babe. Tell you what, why don’t you go back into the store and buy yourself a nice, healthy salad? Yeah… you do that… I’ll be here waiting for you. C’mon, let’s go, chop chop! I’ll give you a recipe.

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!
(Picks up the item the customer wants to purchase) Oh wow. Now, THIS is really nice. Is this a holiday gift? Yeah? Look at this. I didn’t know we sold this here. Make sure you take the sticker price tag off because you don’t want to be caught for being such a CHEAP jerk. I mean, come on! How can you even make this purchase? You might as well walk out of the store with it! We should really be giving these items away, but I guess its people like you that makes the holiday such a giving time. That will be 99 cents.

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!! (Her manager enters and Lucille drastically changes to that of an almost innocent catholic school girl).

Hi, Mr. Martin. Things are going great, sir. How was your lunch break? Oh yeah? That’s terrific, sir. Yes, we are doing very well with business today. I might need a cash out soon because (whispers) we are getting so many BIG BILLS. (Beat)

Thank you for the encouragement, Mr. Martin. Okay, good, make your rounds. I’ll see you when you circle back, sir.

(Laughs to self) We’ll talk soon… right... what a putz…

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!

Oh, look who we have here… if it isn’t Mr. Bling-Bling. Don’t get me all hot and excited today, Mr. Bling-Bling. Those baggy jeans hanging off your behind and that extra extra large shirt you have on are REALLY a turn on. Oh, yeah! You must make all the blind chicks swarm. It amazes me that you don’t tangle yourself in knots after walking five feet. Your mother must be so proud! (Beat)

Sorry, sorry, I know I’m bad. Any who, what are we purchasing today? (Picks up the item) Oooooooh, I see. JEWELRY! Boy, oh boy. We do happen to have a jewelry department in this store. Yeah, it’s called section poor. That’s right. Section can’t afford REAL jewelry, so I have to come here and make it look like I can section. (Scans the item)

HAHAHAHA!! Is that a ring? YOU are ACTUALLY going to buy an engagement ring from us?! Yeah, your woman will really love you for ALL eternity, especially after it cracks off her finger. You might as well buy her the box… the box costs more than the item! That will be $3. (Receives the money) But you know, you’re better off using one of the gum ball machines we have outside. (Gestures to stage right) Go ahead, give it a try, I’ll wait right here and then we can compare the big spenders. Let me know if you need a quarter, I can lend it to you and you can make time payments. What’s good for you, a penny a week?

(Beat) HAHAHA, I know I’m bad.

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!

Oh, hello little boy. What can I do for you today? What dear? You’re looking for your mom? OH, did you lose your mommy yeah? TOO BAD! You rotten little munchkin! You deserve it! You’ve been abandoned, kid. Just face it. ABANDONED! Your mother doesn’t love you! She never loved you. That’s why she’s not with you, because she despised the day she gave birth to you and—

Oh, you’re the boy’s mother. (Smiles sarcastically) All is found.

(Gestures for next customer) Next in line!

Hi. Are you ready to make your purchase? Yeah? You’ve waited on this line long enough, right? It sucks to be stuck in a line that just never seems to move forward. And you feel it happens to only you, right? Am I right? Well, guess what? I’m taking lunch. You and your behind will now have to wait EVEN LONGER! Just when you make it to the Promised Land, (smacks her hand together) you have to wait even more. Sucks to be you, I know, I’m depressed for you. I’ll think of you when I’m outside having a smoke wishing my life would end.

PEACE!

(P.s.: i did not write this, i got it from a web, and it was edited by my teacher, me and my friend. And i got a 100 on it!! So thanks for all my friends who helped me decide to choose this monologue and helping me all the way biggrin )