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You know what I decided, when I was only 5 years old. I decided to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable anymore, and you know what. The scary thing is now I can't change. My therapist thinks I can, and my friends support me.
It's not helping, and I don't know why. School, I think is what started it all. The new atmosphere, new people, new potty mouth vocabulary, new eating habits. Over that all my parents had prepared me for, the one thing they didn't was teasing. Oh, and that was the begging to all the problems. One following another, like ducks following there mother. I mean, I was picked on all the time, no one did anything about. Not the teachers, not my parents, not the other kids at school. I was the verbal heavybag of every one. Even when someone was kind, I knew they hated me deep down, cause of the way they looked at me. As if I were ugly, stupid, and anything else bad you could think of, I was it. Life became more and more complicated as couldn't help stand it any more. Soon it all rubbed in, believed I was ugly, I believed I was stupid, I believed that I should just dissapeer. And I struggled to find, anything or anyone that proved it wasn't true. Nothing came up, I was desperate. Here I was a kid left to find the harsh truth of worls on her own. That there was no happy endings in 'real life', that not all people were going to realize you in this 'real life', and that friends could backstab you in 'real life'. And it wasn't fair, it all happened at the same time. It was trama, I know that now. I was deppression, I know that now. What 6 year old would stuff knifes under there pillow and threaten to kill themselves. I think only I did it.
Later on, I found that I was smart, but that didn't make up the fact of how truly ugly I was. Oh no, then I found out, even guys lie straight to your face. It smacked in the face when I feel 'in love' with a guy. How stupid was I to like him. He had insulted me and my family. No, way I was going to let that slide. But, guess what? I mistaked my anger for love. Ugh! How more retarted could I get. It was just a few months after wards that I crushed him, made him have nothing. But, right after that is finally what I realized what I was a freak.
 R e a n C a r n a · Sun Nov 09, 2008 @ 06:33pm · 2 Comments |
