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Can I Really Hate
Sometimes I really do think I secretly hate myself, I'm only living for the sake of others, I live for friends and family, I don't even live for myself, if they were all gone, I don't think I would have it in me to move on. I think the only reason I didn't become suicidal is because it didn't ever cross my mind that people could do that and for the fact of hurting myself physically seems too painful and scary, the other reason would be it would just be a burden on my loved ones. I mean who likes to see someone close to you die? I wouldn't want to cause any pain for the people I love and yet I still do it. I mean its not intentional but it still happens and that's no excuse because sorry just doesn't cut it sometimes. I cant even make people happy anymore, which sucks because I feel like I was put on this Earth to do that, and now that I cant do it, its like now what? What am I expected to do, my life's purpose isn't exactly working out for me right now. Most of the time I would just listen to music to calm me down, or just listen to music that would at least have lyrics that fit my situation, even if it made me feel worse, at least I know someone out there gets me, at least a bit. But the more I think about it, no one knows me for me. People know my happy side, which isn't hard to find but once I get upset people freak out, once I say I am sad people act like the world is going to end, the moment I stop talking and try to listen to someone else people think that all hell is about to break loose. Its like what the heck! Why cant I have feelings too. Just because when I have problems I don't tell the whole world or go emo for the whole world to see doesn't make me any different from you. Sorry that I don't like bothering people with my problems when they already have problems of their own! Sorry that I am not perfect and I am sorry that I will never be perfect. I feel like a screw up, like I was placed here on accident and I don't even have a purpose, like everything is gone, but me, the me that no one knows and no one might ever get to know, including me. I need to find a reason to live for myself, as if everyone else died and I was all alone, I need to be able to survive by myself, the world is cruel out there, why would it be any kinder to me than to you? What makes me special enough not to be treated badly. I'm not, I need to help myself, its survival of the fittest and at this rate I'll be crushed before I even make it to the world. I'm not one to compete, those people will annihilate me the moment I step foot in their territory. I need to be able to depend on me to defend me, my life isn't a book where a knight in shining armor is going to save me because they just happen to be there, the world is more likely to send someone else to make my life worse than to send someone to save me. Its got to just be me, myself and I, I mean if I actually want to survive.
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