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Being unable to understand why somebody cares, it seems like a nightmare to me now. Recently my eyes have reopened to a new day, a brighter day than yesterdays.
I have realized I had been hurting not only myself, but others as well with how depressed I have been. I should not be depressed. The ability to put the past behind me has grown stronger and the ability to forgive as well.
To forgive those I hadn't forgiven went on long enough. It has been over half a year that I haven't forgiven a certain boy. This boy caused me great pain for reasons unknown. I hadn't known him, but yet he brought me down more and more each day I had to sit next to him. Of course I wasn't his only target, but it seems I was the only one he'd say things face to face to. I had no reason to say things back. That would just bring me down to his level. If I had said anything in return to his comments, I would have lost control. I never want to be the one to start fights.
He made me so angry. So much that it hurt. The pain I felt is nothing I want to feel again. It caused thoughts to constantly run through my mind... Those thoughts were to hurt everyone at that school who ever hurt me. I didn't want that to happen. I couldn't handle that pain. Whenever I hurt someone, I have never been able to forgive myself. Even to this day I'm unable to. Yet I can forgive others. Hm.
There were others like the boy, but not as bad. I won't get into this for now... For it was a friend that hurt me. Or at least I thought they were a friend...
Near the end of last school year, I switched schools. First I felt awkward and out of place. As a few weeks flew by me, I began to feel at peace and somewhat happy. It was a new beginning for me, it was what I needed. Trust was a big issue once I began to make new friends. I wouldn't talk much at first. I'd keep my eye on them and carefully listened to everything they said. I began to open up to one alot during the third term. I even went over to her house a few times during the weekends. She introduced me to her friends during the last term. They were nice, as was she, but they were into different things than I. I'd always be lost in their conversations and space out. As much as I trust her today, I'm still unable to tell her much about myself, my feelings and past experiences.
My new school and friends have made me happy, but only to an "okay" level. Part of me feels empty... There's this feeling that won't go away. It makes me depressed at times... And I've been depressed even more lately. As many old and new friends I have, I'm lonely. Even when people are with me, I'm lonely. I don't understand this feeling. I do not want to remain depressed... What exactly do I need to no longer feel this way? I'm lost, and I don't know who to turn to...And I'm unsure what to do...