Once again, new journal is at http://www.rodiary.com/Melody/, check for there for the most up to date stuff I care about.
I need to rant here, about some irl stuff and some Gaia people.
The entry title is of a Tarot card from the Major Arcana. It means, according to the booklet I aquired along with my nifty little cards, "Trust your intuition more than your reason; act more on feelings than facts. Take your time to think about your options. Tackle difficulties with enthusiasuim--these are oppurtunities to learn from." I didn't set up my cards and do my little "ask for advice" thing, I just picked a card that displayed the emotion I am feeling.
Here are my feelings. Take them as you wish.
IRL...I wanna get out. I hate this house. I cant' stand these people. I don't want to be around this s**t anymore and no matter how patient I try to be, I am reaching my limits. Right now, I just want to die. Suicide...yes. Not all cutting myself and crap, I mean...its not emotional s**t that hurts. I'm just sick of being where I am and dealing with what I have to every day.
I'm no kinda sister to my siblings. We have no kinda family. I know nothing going on in their life nad there is nothing I can do about it. All I get are lies from them, there is no trust and it hurts so much. I dunno what I am suppose to do...now is the last chance I have to establish a firm relationship with them and I dont' even know how to handle it. I'll look back on this with such sad eyes, I'm failing them when they need me most, what kind of sister am I?!?!
KJ keeps talking back to me and now he curses more openly. He's 7 ******** years old he shouldn't be doing this s**t. His councler still wants to blame us for it, and its not our ******** fault. He's bipolar and those bastards keep telling us he not but he has every ******** symptom of the ******** disorder!!!!!! I can't take this s**t from him.
My sister Kenyana is going to have some sort of eating disorder because she has a low opnion of herself. I think she may be doing it now, but I can't be to sure since the onloy time she talks to me is when she wants money.
My sis Breanna is getting into fights in school and doing s**t with boys and we dun even know the extent she has gone. Her grades aren't doing to well and she also has a low opniopn of herself. It seems nthing I can do to help my sisters and I feel like such a failture. Breanna only tells me lies now, shes a complusive liar and a people pleaser and no matter hwo bad I tell her it is she perisists to do it.
My brother Todd left me for a ******** Christian school and he's never around at home anymore. Those ******** church people brainwashed him and now he acts like he's not apart of this family unless he wants something. He and I dont' associate with eachotehr anymore or anything nad its not ******** right. Those people at his churhc who run that ******** school don't like me because I refuse to go to their church too so they talk abotu me and s**t and make me seem like the worse ******** person in the world and hes treatin me like he believbes the s**t they say.
My moms leg isn't getting better and she needs surgery soon but the doctor tells her not to get it for cosmetic reasons. She has to get the surgery cause she can barely walk anymore, she has like this limp now. The growth in her knee is over 6 inchs wide and 6 inchs high and its just getting bigger and bigger and it causes her so much pain. Her boufriend is giving her s**t since he got all this money from hsi dad passing and now he acts like he's better than everyone else. My mom also keeps bitchign at me and s**t for no reason and I can't take it anymore.
And then...they'res me...more confused and stressed out than ever, I feel that way right now atleast. I feel overwealmed and its making me feel ill again. I'm so sick of s**t being like this, I wish it would all just stop.
IRL...I haven't spoken to Greg really, and he's mad at me and s**t for it. He hates me, you could say, because he feels like he gave so much to me and now I dont' talk to him and thats to ******** bad. He shouldnt' of cheated on me. But he doesnt' see that. I ******** hate boys they always think they're right.
Joey keeps calling me. Yes, its getting ******** annoying. I dun feel like ******** talking if I did I WOULD CALL YOU. YOU DON"T ******** UNDERSTAND THE STATEMENT OF I DON"T WAN TTO BE BOTHERED ARE YOU RETASRDED OR SOMETHING?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?? ...its getting on my nervs. It makes me not like you. It makes me want you to go awya. It makes me wish I never kewn you. STOP IT. I"M SICK OF TELLING YOU THIS!! STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR s**t I SHOULDNT WORRY ABOUT!!!!! LEAVE ME THE ******** ALONE!!!! I DON'T WANT OT BE BOTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is taht to hard to ******** underrstan?!?!!? And now your gunna go whine and cry and say "blah blah blah you dont love me wah wah wah" WE DONT NEED TO TALK EVERY ******** DAY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!?!!?!?!?!?!!??! Grrrrr.....
That really just hyped my anger up...
Moving along...
I hate you Stephen, and I hate you Lee Ann. I wish I never met either of you. Perhaps "hate" is to strong. I dont'; like either of you. At all.
Why?
...I already ranted about this, in one of those "make an angry note about someone and vent all you want to say but don't sent it" kinda things.
For Stephen, its the fact you quit talking to me when Lee Ann began to talk to you again. It's like we were all buddy-buddy, but once your obsession accepted you again its like "Bye bye Courtney!" (althougth you didnt even say good bye, merely disappeared) and you moved along your merry little way. And from what I understand, sorry, the wya it seems to me, she's only talking to you again because your paying for her to see her internet boyfriend and with my understanding of that...its really ******** up. But please, correct me if I'm wrong. I havent' spoken to eitehr of you in a while so I'm sure my facts could be wrong.
I feel used by you, dear Stephen. I was there when you needed to rant and when you felt down and s**t felt like I was a friends and now she's talking to you again I get teh boot and thats ******** wrong. Its like I was thrown away like cheap trash and my anger towards you is so ******** of that.
For Lee Ann, I feel like your using him and although I cant' stand him....I always thought you were better than that. I mean after all, for a very long time you were the only postive role model I had and as soon as I felt we were back on the track of being friends you, as well, disappear and the talkage between us ends for whatever reason you spit out. I was alright with that, I mean...I'm used to just talking to you on spirratic bursts and although I missed it, it was alright. Then, I Stephen began to tell me all these little things about you I never knew. No ones perfect, but how you treated him is not forgiveable and from what he has said you began to be nice to him again after he said he would pay for you to see your net boyfriend. He didnt' say that exactly, he just said he was paying for it, but it doesnt' take a genius to put 2 and 2 together. I always thought you were a better person than that, and the s**t he told me angers me...as I said, intensely.
You both tossed me like trash. I accept that. I'm more mad at Stephen than I am at Lee Ann, because I don't even know her side so I can't be all that upset. Neither of you need me anymore so you don't talk to me. Fine. I can deal with that. It's a tad depressing and hurts my self esteem as I feel you think of me as not worthy enough to talk to, but teh hell, I've delt with worse and I can get over it.
But I hurt becuase of both of you. And I hate you for not giving a ******** abotu how I am feeling until now. So ******** selfish...
So there is my angry rant. Enjoy.
You should read taht other journal I have up there, its alot more happy.
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