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... because I'm still up knowing full well I should be resting for the busy day I have planned later today. (SINCE IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING)

Let's see, my dad is going to wake me up early so we can go get my bank account, THEN I need to go in for work orientation at 1:00... Oh yeah, I totally forgot to write about how I got a job in my last entry. My first job... o.o I'm working at Wendy's. I'm really excited and I hope I can do a good job and earn some money so I can save for some things I really want. >.<

I had to hunt EVERYWHERE for these ******** honey-comb shoes for work yesterday. First me and James went to the North Bay mall, and found no success. I cursed many times. Then I caught the bus with Dustin so I could head over to Wal-Mart, where I heard I could find them.

Me and Dustin talked about some important things... I don't know, they were pretty important to me. I think it was probably just a reoccurring, normal talk to him, since he's had so many girls like him before, but... to me, I don't know, I've never really talked with someone face-to-face that way before. I guess I've always pictured saying those things to someone in my head, but I never managed to sum the courage with neither him or even Ricky... especially not Ricky...

I feel better for talking about it, to be honest. My hopes weren't destroyed utterly, but I wonder if I'll really be a consideration in the future... I'm not really the type to give up on feelings very easily, and I explained that.

God, I'm just getting myself into another position where I'm going to end up chasing someone fruitlessly, aren't I?

But I don't want to believe this is the same as last time... I'm positive it's not...

I wonder if those words had any impact whatsoever, to someone like him. Could he even know the value of them to me? I basically made a promise to him... not outright, but hidden underneath all the frills, I did the equivalent of promising him I'd wait for him.

I don't know why I did that... considering that I don't even have that much material to go on, but... I'm running on my feelings again, and my feelings are wanting that.

... I just want to know if I can trust him, because I want to. And I just want to know if my feelings are going to be, yet again, in vain.

I'm terribly afraid of never getting the chance to be with someone I actually want to be with... and I mean, a lasting thing... I've never had that...

Maybe it's my fault for being so picky. I mean, Wes asked Dustin if he would ask me out for him, but I was actually hurt by that... by that Dustin would agree to do that for him...

But why wouldn't he? Dustin is Wes' friend, why would he deny that?

I guess it's just because I hoped that Dustin wouldn't want Wes to have me. But you know, even I know at this point Dustin doesn't work that way, but maybe it's just an idealistic romantic thing?

Keh, I'm asking for romance out of an empty bowl...

Goddamn me and my powers of fast attachment. They ALWAYS get me into trouble, and I'm way too stubborn to drop things when I know logically it's better for me. But you know what? I hope against hope, and I do as my heart tells me, and I will pursue a feeling if it's there, because I do. not. get. them. enough.

What cat shuns the fish that falls at it's paws?

And so I will not deny my heart it's feelings, I have no willpower strong enough to fight it, really.

The only thing that scares me the most is knowing that nothing I can say or do will have no impact on someone who has already heard, seen, and done everything... because I'm just another girl to him out of the many, many he's dated...

I've tried to make him understand it's not the same for me... I hope he'll remember that when he thinks about what I've said...