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The day started like your average boring day at Stop and Shop. I was spending it on Self-scan, leaving me completely alone in my own little world. That all changed when she walked through the doors. Let’s not use her real name, let’s just call her Mrs. Plush. She is a notorious thief of cheap food stuffs. I would almost go so far as to call her a kleptomaniac.

Today was the day all of that would hopefully change. Everyone was sick and tired of her thieving ways so a plan was hatched to stop her once and for all (and it didn’t even have to involve the police). Someone would follow around the store, just to watch and make sure nothing fishy happened. Because of my total lack of subtlety, I was perfect for the job.

Everything seemed normal at first. I tried my best to look nonchalant, straightening the shelves or picking up something that was put in the wrong place. She had no idea that I was following and even turned around to ask me questions whenever she found something confusing. After a while that changed. Maybe it was the fact that I followed close behind her down the entire length of the store, but she knew for a fact that she was being watched.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to look back at me. “Are you going to follow ma all around the store?” She seemed offended that she would even being expected of stealing.

I never said a word, but just stood in place and gave her my biggest smile. The closest thing it resembles is an animal bearing its teeth. Needless to say, it is a very unnerving smile.

“The managers told you to do this didn’t they?” She was annoyed and was already piecing the pieces together.

Again I didn’t say anything and continued to smile.

“Don’t you feel stupid doing this?” She was trying to dissuade me from continuing my objective but my lack of social grace allows me to not be intimidated by such statements.

“Nooooo.” I elongated the word never changing the expression on my face. There was nothing she could do to stop me so she continued her shopping.

It wasn’t long before she became more and more nervous. She bounced from one leg to the other, shifted around and started fiddling with her bags. I knew her tactics. She would separate some items that she was planning to steal just in case she was caught. This is what Mrs. Plush was doing now. She took things in and out of bags, switched them around, all in an attempt to confuse me. Nothing could get past me though and I kept a mental log of what she did and what items she tried to hide.

She walked back down the length of the store occasionally looking back in my direction to see if I was still there. I never changed my expression and kept the same creepy smile upon my lips. I was only four or five feet behind her and whenever she stopped I watched her like a hawk.

It didn’t take long for her to crack. Less then half-an-hour after she entered the store, she wanted to leave. Stopping for the final time by the produce department she continued trying to confuse me with her constant rearranging of her groceries. I was watching too closely and she finally understood that she couldn’t get away with anything.

“That’s it; I can’t shop here with you following me around everywhere.” Her hands lifted in the air slightly as though she were surrendering. “I don’t want any of this stuff. You can take it all back.” She reached back into the cart and pulled out a bottle of seltzer and a few limes. “I’ll just take these and that’s it for Stop and Shop.”

I refused to waver and tried my best not to break out in laughter. “Oh really, that’s too bad,” I said as I approached the cart and placed my hands on it. “I’ll just take all of these back for you.”

She left with her two items in a huff and before she even left the building every employee was laughing out loud. The managers on duty were proud and impressed with how unabashed I was during the situation and said that there was no one else who could have done it better.

I was given the Stop and Shop equivalent of royal treatment and didn’t have to do any mindless labor for the last hour of my shift. I spent the whole evening trying to suppress my evil grin of satisfaction and heard the story continue to spread around the store. Never in any other place could I do something so fun and get paid for it. This is one of those moments where I actually love my job.