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101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear.
'Round, round, get around, I get around...'

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.

6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you
taught him everything he knows.

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you,
your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in
quick succession, the last of which will burst
everywhere and make a mess.

8. Dance the Funky Chicken.

9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his
plans are foiled yet again.

11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a
baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might
find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at
night.

13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something
'more socially acceptable?'

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with
more cunning plans than his.

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

17. Be cheerful.

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say
'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'

19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say
things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss'
or 'It's your funeral.'

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My
sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's
that, a washing detergent?'

23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and
give out gold stars.

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he
sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this
non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof*
there....

26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face
and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the
urge strikes you.

28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling
himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's
victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be
sure to give them both squeaky voices.

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering
first and announcing him grandly.

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and
give him an equally fake drumroll.

32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little
heart here, o dark one' whenever he starts to talk of
what has caused to become who he is.

33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his
sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his
spelling.

35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.

36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his
wicked ways'

37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his
head.

38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his
scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to
float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when
he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

40. Buy him a stress ball.

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and
will never triumph.

42. Call him Tommy-boy.

43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every
few minutes.

45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers,
lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his
life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus
of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you
think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.

52. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright
colours and glitter.

53. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.

54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't
know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles'

56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs
when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'

57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes
with your cutlery, play with your food and blow
bubbles in your chocolate milk.

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.

59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and
'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much
as possible.

60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole
evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't
getting a bit old?'

61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in
London....

63. Throw tupperware parties. Insist he sit through
them.

64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil
than he.

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he
doesn't water it and it dies.

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

68. Tell him Lucius did it.

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his
whereabouts and contact details.

70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever
he is about to do or say something particularly clever
and nasty.

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause

' 73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include
'The Ugly Duckling'

74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his
son.

75. When he's done something particularly nasty -
cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do
you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single
hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little
boy.'

77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophecy."

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him.
Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy'

80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me
this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated
by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric
acquaintance.

82. Cuddle him at random moments.

83. Sign him up for Little-League.

84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a
beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world
domination are 'kind of girlie'

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the
wizarding world.

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands
as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated
limb-movements.

91. Write sonnets for him.

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword
every morning.

93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything
he touches with a can of disinfectant.

94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'

95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy
depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak'.

96. Mock his baldness.

97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at
inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted
'evil moments.')

98. Get him drunk.

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start
playing 'Kumbayah'

100. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.

101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.


Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Due to the popularity of the Survivor's shows, Eastern Oregon is
planning to do its own, titled "Survivor Oregon Style." The contestants
will start in Pendleton, travel over to Hermiston. Then they will head
down to Heppner, Condon and Madras. >From there they will proceed on to
Prineville, Redmond and Bend. Then they will go east to Burns, up to
John Day and over to Baker City through Sumpter. From Baker City they
will go to LaGrande, Elgin, over to Weston and the final leg will be
back to Pendleton.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a
large bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to Your health. Republicans suck.
Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and, I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one that makes it back to Pendleton alive, wins.
Good luck to all contestants.