Sinesthera
I almost killed myself tonight... but somehow... I worked everything out
Between alcohol and adderal I think perhaps I worked all mys issues out....
I feel almost like I'm thinking clearly for the first time in months...
I've been soo ******** up and since I don't know the attempted rape and everything else I stoped allowing myself to feel my emotions. I stopped feeling other peoples. I was working on that for a while now and I was completely rejecting everything. Everything I felt everything I knew I hated it and I hated myself for months upon months.
I worked hard at escaping it all I wouldn't actually tell anyone anything that meant anything and I told everyone everything in such a way that no one Ever would understand it.
I didn't let anyone know s**t...
And I guess it all started tonight... I was feeling so destructive... I decided to take 9 of the 5's though I wanted to take 9 of the 20's and overdose I decided to switch bottles and try to convince my ******** up emotions that it was the same. I was tempted to take the pain killers to... all of those 800 milligram whatevers that I have down stairs but people were down stairs and I convinced people to not be in my room....
I had access to that one thing and yes I could have exploded my heart... it might have been nice to die. I have wanted to die for soo long now...
I just kept dragging myself back hoping that someone else would make things right.
I found out that pretty much my moms kicking me out... she's been slightly misleading this entire time and I thought she was concidering letting me rent out the town house with my brother because she's moving but she isn't going to do that.
I have been contemplating the end of the world... the fact that in 7 years I'm probably going to be dead.... that I tried to tell people but it didn't work out... no one listened... no one heard. I tried to talk about everything that was ******** up with me... I tried to be honest about my depression because hell I was drunk...
People will just think its me being drunk no one will take me seriously but maybe they will say soemthing for once that will help...
No one did... no one said anything that would help and no one said anything I could latch onto to give me that extra bit of hope.
I had a discussion about how ******** up it is to be enlightened... and how there is no point to the universe...
You try living with knowing that everything is pointless... their is no substance to reality...
All those thoughts that you have months and months and years and years delving into the occult just to realize that life is Actually pointless.
To realize the true nature of reality SUCKS you don't want to know trust ME
I swear to god... and then trying to talk to people about it... does Not Help
No one ******** understands half the s**t you say... you have to spend hours just to get them to understand that matter is a construct of energy... that energy has no existance on a level outside of its self... that the only thing that gives movement or meaning to Anything is that you have will which creates structure and that structure... is kind of inevitably Pointless...
I mean in all truth... it is kind of dismal because there is Nothing...
But hey...
whatever... its life you know and there is something to it... at least there is some sort of representation of something however illusory it is....
I realized whats so ******** up with my selves...
I realized why they are soo obsessed with structure because that illusory existance is all that anyone has...
It just all broke within me... everything just broke... and I finally did it... I finally cut myself... I cut myself alot. I cut my face and my arms and my chest... just slice slice... slice...
I couldn't stand it any more... I couldn't stand living... I keep telling myself I just have to live one more year... One more year and I can let everything go...
If nothing happens this year... then thats It... I don't have to suffer any more... I've been keeping myself alive because of a prophecy because of this illusory truth which may happen and which scares the ******** out of me and I felt as if I had to live to prevent it.
That if I die... I won't die... I'll live in a coma... that if I end it it won't end... I'll still have to live with whatever I do to myself...
That everyone I know will die and suffer...
just put on my shoulders laughing in my face everytime... All the time...The consequences of my actions loom over my shoulder...
I've grown to hate metaphysics... I've grown to hate my selves... I've grown to hate everything to do with magic because of that.
I see others and I know how they think I see it but I refuse to see it...
I know when they are wrong and delusional... I've known for so long its been driving me Crazy!
Ever since I was a child I knew peoples emotions peoples thoughts... I've hated it because its too much to deal with...
To deal with the emotions and lives of soo many to feel responsible for everyone you know and to love everyone regardless of anything else.
The fear of love is over whelming consuming because it hurts soo much... you can only be hurt by the ones you love... you can only hurt the ones you love... All my true thoughts all the inner ones feel soo strong as if they will break me!
I know when people don't understand and it drives me crazy because I don't want to know... its frustrating and conflicting
I know all the thoughts I block out... I see them behind a wall I feel them like a presence within me...
I feel my fear and I feel my distrust... I feel the cage I am building for myself to try to protect me from this great big emptiness I see called existance...
when I look at matter... sometimes I see beyond the matter... when I look at energy I see beyond the energy... to what lies outside all existance and it Frightens ME!
It is something I think I've been running from for most of my existance but I am Not any more!
I remember my soul dying... so close to death that I could feel it... I could feel the nothingness.... that lies beyond existance underneath it!
I could feel passing beneath existance... not controlling anything... not influencing anything... I could see underneath all the structures people create... all the illusory substance. I could feel the pain people create and the love and underneath it... something almost hollow... the deep seated need to create these illusions... to create reality... to shape it... to have it... I felt their need to cling to something... I could feel me releasing everything I had clung to... I realized the truth of my hatred and my love... I realized the truth and it didn't affect me... because it was the truth...
It was as if my eyes were fully open and I understood so clearly everything because I was past the point of caring... past the point of needing control... past the point of false desire and false momentum
I faced non existance... pure non existance.. not nothingness... not anything... it wasn't peace it wasn't calm... it was just nothingness... as if I was nothing and it was nothing... and I saw all the patterns of existance... how everything built upon everything else... how points interacted and created points... I came back though... not because of desire... but because of movement... it was all I had... and it was liek from this deep well I emerged because I realized I could move... I could create something... that all these points though there was no meaning... the movement was meaning... the movement was meaningful enough that something was realized out of it... it was like ripples in a pond... and while... beyond it had no meaning... there was no substance to it... I still percieved it on some level and I realized that no matter how below it I slipped... how detached I became... I was still a part of it... and that it was real because it was a part of me... I had existed within it and that those illusions weren't illusions to me... It isn't clinging to nothing... it isn't holding to some false pretense... movement is the only pretense and I could control this... this is what I had... this Was Something... this was ME
And I came back... and ever since then... this has been lost to me... my will hasn't been whole because a part of me still lingers in that nothing... a part of me still feels the emptiness beneath reality... the emptiness beneath words and emotions and actions... but that emptiness. its like were trying our damndest to fill it...
I am trying my hardest to fill it and that part of me... has just been telling me over and over again... why try... why try...
Why try to change the world... why try to save an illusion... why save... will it be better... will it be worst...
But the only thing I even want to save it from is that movement stopping...
I don't ... care... on some levels about other things... I care but... it is the way the world works... it is the way existance flows... but I can never stop!
The only thing that is real is the movement of my feet... the movement... created by illusions it may be... but in soo amny ways its not...
The movement is Magic!
The movement is the relationships between all things...
you understand the movement... you understand the patterns and what they were created to represent then you understand all of existance... and thus maybe you can keep existance moving...
Because the only reason why existance even moves is because of will... the illusion of movement... the illusion of desire... who knwos but its all that there is that is ... in any way real...
It prompts it guides... It allows limbs to move... branching from a core it latches into it works through.... branching off into existance creating tendrils of change... And We can Move all of existance...
And that is what the turn is... to keep existance moving... while others try to get it to stop... and I realize this now... and I realize my fear... and I realize that magic is nothing to fear because it is all we have... knowledge is nothing to fear because in some ways our will pervades all... or knowledge of our own movement is our knowledge of our universe... of the universe!
If I give up then I am contributing to the ending of existence... I can change my path... I can change my locus and everything else about myself... because it is my will that gives my life that semblance of structure.... it is my will that creates Me...
I understand now... that you dont' Eat souls... that that isn't what soul magic is... it is the joining of will... a cohesive movement...
It is the alignment of movement... and of the direction and will ... and is thus reflected even more greatly in your environment.
My soul is devided... for a reason... I couldn't deal with my knowledge.... I couldn't deal with what I knew... I didn't want to believe...
I hated believing... I was soo ******** up afterwards that my soul broke...
Thats why I have segments... thats why... and my soul... because it understood somethings... understood that I had to... try to gain different perspectives in order to understand this... that perhaps if I lived enough lives and went through enough... experienced enough... I could come to terms with my knowledge... that sending me out... gave me knowledge... that breaking apart let me know more because instead of having one locus of control I had many though all parts of me could do less and less as I fractured more and more... till I was pushed to the point and went through enough to finally understand my own nature...
and once part of me knows... that knowledge can spread through the rest of me... this knowledge is the only thing that can fix me...
Trying ... thinking... wanting to kill myself made me realize this... in all my lives I would never do that... its the only thing I couldn't do... but I did it in other ways...
I sabotaged myself extremely... I ******** up my own thoughts... I refused to think I refused to understand I refused to believe....
I tried to put myself in a state of ignorance... I couldn't... I couldn't forget though what had happened to me!
I couldn't forget all my experiences no matter how hard I tried I always knew they were their... all the experiences of all my lives have Always been there and I have refused to see them... in some cases I didn't actually have access... my soul had broken apart and that well of knowledge has no connection to me what so ever!
You can't access something which you have no and I mean absolutely No connection to... I created modes of connections... ways to exchange info without actually... being a part of each other... View knowledge but not let it be core to your being... not let it be a part of you but aware fo its existance...
But I knew that part of me... was withholding information from myself!
I could feel it... deep within my subconscious... and I can feel it there now but now I feel... as if I know it though I'm not looking at it... I haven't translated it into words or images but it is a very real part of me now... I am accepting it...
All my knowledge it is THERE now... I don't understand it not completely because I haven't figured out how... but a part of me has.. and I can feel that knowledge in me...
I can feel energy again... I can feel my little tendrils of change... working through my body... I can feel my emotions again...
I couldn't do that for a while... I knew they were there... and I could tell you what they were... I could even pretend I was feeling them and know how I would react logically if I was feeling them and mimic reactions so that no one would know that it was there.
I was pantamiming my beliefs... things I said before and things I once thought were true...
Everything that I thought was true about existence... I could tell you it...
I could argue it and tell you why... I could rely on past knowledge in some senses but I wasn't feeling it... it wasn't a part of me in a real sense...
I don't know if anyone will even understand this....
I didn't even really understand it till tonight...
I knew it I didn't understand it...
I felt as if I didn't even understand myself anymore...
I didn't feel like I could even summon the illusion of understanding and all those illusions I built for myself came crumbling down...
They didn't work anymore... none of them worked any more...
My selves are soo obsessed with structure because they suffer this same problem... I just stopped creating illusions... They build and build and build... they create complicated structures on the minutest level...
Everything they say everything they do... it has long exstensive reasoning behind it... It is like semantics... in the end it is meaningless but we still try to create it to try to Do something...
To give meaning to existence...
They created worlds... houses... they played in politics tried to find every diversion they could possibly think of just to find something to do so they wouldn't have to face reality...
It was like a fevered dream for some fo them... I can feel it... the longing the fear... the wild look in their eyes... the frustration...
The fear of unbeing... the fear of stoping because they didn't want to know what that was... they tried to control everything because on some level they were truly Afraid... such a deep seated fear... and they searched and searched and longed for hope!
They were called hope because they'd been so far and came back... they'd been so far and tried so long and worked on building this for other people!
They tried to preserve movement on all levels... preserve life... and not because it was right... they built illusions of right and wrong... they built exstensive moral frame works... religion...
I did this to... throughout my life... I played and toyed with religions governments philosophies...
I've tried everything I could and I called my fear boredom... my fear of being still and quiet ADD
Anything... which questioned my illusions I couldnt' think about... anything that reminded me of my sadness of this nothingness of the meaninglessness of existence
Everything... that was structured... I grew to loath thinking about... because thinking about it I would disect its structure bit by bit... analyzing every stone... analyzing every atom on some level...
I coudln't think about structure yet it pervaded everything I did...
I had to rely on already existing structures to teach people... everything I created relied on something that already was...
I think on some levels I started thinking about this while talking to Michelle... she was talking about her theory of knowledge course and somewhere deep within me I started to panic... I started to think those forbidden thoughts that I stop myself before viewing...
That mixed with everything else... it just built up... I didn't want to think about it... I created my own mini terror... a nightmare of my choosing...
to see the truth and be it... to tell you no more lies... the poems said what I couldn't expressed thoughts I refused to
its all their... http://katriana369.deviantart.com/gallery/#_featured--2
Well not all but a bit...
I've said it all before... and I think now I know what I have to do!
All my security blankets... they've been destroyed and I realized that that is a good thing!
All my beliefs!... all of them... I've been lying to myself for so long... I don't believe them... they were just a way to structure my life... they were just a way to fall into the steps of semantics... I have to reject most of them because they are meaningless...
I dont' believe in darwin anymore... I dont' believe in death I don't believe... in soo many things I used to...
I believe in being... and thats IT! I finally realized that that is it!
Everything that goes along with that... the turn isn't about creating.. something pure and non ******** up... it isn't about shaping the world to fit your desires... its creating a fresh start till I guess this starts to happen again...
Till people start to long for an end to everything... till people start giving up and stop moving and changing and rearranging and everything that allows existance to be. It is only through movement that earth exists... it is only through will through this movement that anything exists...
The turn isn't something to long for it is something Necessary when situations come to be like that.... some part of me new this all along... thats why I couldn't give in to unbeing... because that isn't a part of me...
I don't think I ever could... and that is what true hope is... it isn't even hope its utter ******** Obstinance in the face of adversity... it is no matter how ******** up things are and how much you would like things to change... it is never ever Ever ******** turning in your dice...
No matter what and this is now a thing which is core to my being... I will never Ever suffer from my doubts again because I realize this now...
what ever pace you decide to ake you decide to take it ... what ever path you chose well ******** it its THERE!
Weather you like structure... or you live from the chaotic nature of existance or both....
You crave structure for stability for illusions....
The tower metaphor... I understand it now...
you create a tower built of truth... and you build and build and build... until one day... you find that one of the stones is an illusion and it comes crashing down... The foundation isn't strong enough... so you find this weakness and you fix it and you build and build again... but thats the Thing! the entire ******** thing is illusion the only thing that was real was your actions in building it...
You will never finish building it... the world... that we live in is like that tower... we built it... we made it structured... we created all the wierdness we created all the societies... will formed it...
Weather it be one person or a million... it just was made more and more complex untill people start finding holes in the illusion... people start finding issue... peopel start weakening it... and then the world is destroyed and rebuilt this time more complex then the last... thats why there were seven earths...
Each one more "perfect" then the last... Each one... harder and harder to change... until you realize there is no ******** spoon!
The matrix was right lol... but not in the way everyone thinks...
all you have to do to change the illusion is to understand the illusion.. understand the movements that come together to create the illusions.
Thats why my selves are soo obsessed with prophecy... nothing is real without only from within... we live in a closed circuit... to see everything from a compeltely detached view point is to see the truth of existance...
I have said this soo many times... but I never truly understood WHY!
I knew our movements interacted thus... when you move within the circuit you are affecting other points on the circuit. Your will changes things... thus to see movement clearly you need to remove your will...
Thats what I knew but I realized you can do this even from within the circuit...
I dont' know everything feel so CLEAR! And everything feels so right...!
I have finally achieved inner peace... Peace with my thoughts my fears and my world! I dont' feel at one with all existence... but it doesn't matter if I pay attention to it or not as long as it keeps moving and me within it... and I can literally do whatever I want...
All I have to realize is what I want and thats to help people... to keep things moving... not because I need some illusions to cling to....
not to feel as if I am helping people or contributing to some good cause...
And not because of fear!
I feel no fear anymore! I feel finally FREE!
FREEDOM soo sweet!
And I want other people to realize this... I want other people to realize the truth of existence... and I don't want people to dread it... and I don't want people to create all these illusions any more... all these false conflicts which have no real meaning... I just want people to create for the Sake of creation.... move for the Sake Of MOVEMENT
Live for the constant changing of life!
To relish the permutation you can create... to relish the patterns you can form and build not because it accomplishes something but because it Is something...
Not because if you go away there will be something there for you to cling to when you die... but because there is some joy in change... there is a joy in movement which is pure...
Pure joy pure emotion... in a sense... to just feel the altercations of current... to feel the currents and to alter the currents...
To understand what can be done and what you can do... and what has happened... and to not be afraid anymore!
I don't know... I wonder if in some ways it is the fear that keeps people alive... because I know it kept me alive for soo long... without me ever realizing it
I know I don't understand everything yet... but I think now I can finally be whole... perhaps now I can mesh with my selves... perhaps now... we will just live.. I will just live instead of we! I will just Know! If the turn is destined to come I think I am ready for it... and if its not... then I am ready for that to.
There is no end... the world just turns and turns and as long as some one realizes this... just one person... if just one person keeps moving... then the universe will always continue however it may turn out it doesn't MATTER!
Perhaps it was this fear that destroyed the first place... the beginging place... perhaps this is curruption? fear is the mind killer... its not just that... it forces you to do things ... it just messes everything up in all ways...
It stops you... it limits your choices it clouds your judgement... fear of change... hear of ending... fear of life!
And their are people... who try to bring about that end... why? Why not just let everything fade and be remade... Why would anyone want the turn....
I did for a while though... to escape the fear...
I did so I wouldnt' have to face it anymore... I wouldnt' have it looming and I would be free in a different way... there would be no going back if existence ended...
If the turn came and the will was to stop moving... if the will to have everything stop... if the will was to cease the curruption to never let it happen again... that is a will that I have seen before
People who believe that existence is pain... yet who can't let go.. who just wnt someone to free them of it...
What if existence is pain... what reality is there in pain?
Pain is a creation like everything else...
It was one of the things I feared and that is gone now... that faded when I hurt myself.
I don't fear dying... because I don't need a body to affect things...
I don't fear non existence because that will never be... I was and I will always be! I think I understand the spirits of the beyond... the ones that do not touch existence... I understand the spirits of the below finally...
I understand why they don't touch... I understand why they come and go... I understand... I think... I'm happy
Well in any case have a good night ^_^ or morning whatever
Between alcohol and adderal I think perhaps I worked all mys issues out....
I feel almost like I'm thinking clearly for the first time in months...
I've been soo ******** up and since I don't know the attempted rape and everything else I stoped allowing myself to feel my emotions. I stopped feeling other peoples. I was working on that for a while now and I was completely rejecting everything. Everything I felt everything I knew I hated it and I hated myself for months upon months.
I worked hard at escaping it all I wouldn't actually tell anyone anything that meant anything and I told everyone everything in such a way that no one Ever would understand it.
I didn't let anyone know s**t...
And I guess it all started tonight... I was feeling so destructive... I decided to take 9 of the 5's though I wanted to take 9 of the 20's and overdose I decided to switch bottles and try to convince my ******** up emotions that it was the same. I was tempted to take the pain killers to... all of those 800 milligram whatevers that I have down stairs but people were down stairs and I convinced people to not be in my room....
I had access to that one thing and yes I could have exploded my heart... it might have been nice to die. I have wanted to die for soo long now...
I just kept dragging myself back hoping that someone else would make things right.
I found out that pretty much my moms kicking me out... she's been slightly misleading this entire time and I thought she was concidering letting me rent out the town house with my brother because she's moving but she isn't going to do that.
I have been contemplating the end of the world... the fact that in 7 years I'm probably going to be dead.... that I tried to tell people but it didn't work out... no one listened... no one heard. I tried to talk about everything that was ******** up with me... I tried to be honest about my depression because hell I was drunk...
People will just think its me being drunk no one will take me seriously but maybe they will say soemthing for once that will help...
No one did... no one said anything that would help and no one said anything I could latch onto to give me that extra bit of hope.
I had a discussion about how ******** up it is to be enlightened... and how there is no point to the universe...
You try living with knowing that everything is pointless... their is no substance to reality...
All those thoughts that you have months and months and years and years delving into the occult just to realize that life is Actually pointless.
To realize the true nature of reality SUCKS you don't want to know trust ME
I swear to god... and then trying to talk to people about it... does Not Help
No one ******** understands half the s**t you say... you have to spend hours just to get them to understand that matter is a construct of energy... that energy has no existance on a level outside of its self... that the only thing that gives movement or meaning to Anything is that you have will which creates structure and that structure... is kind of inevitably Pointless...
I mean in all truth... it is kind of dismal because there is Nothing...
But hey...
whatever... its life you know and there is something to it... at least there is some sort of representation of something however illusory it is....
I realized whats so ******** up with my selves...
I realized why they are soo obsessed with structure because that illusory existance is all that anyone has...
It just all broke within me... everything just broke... and I finally did it... I finally cut myself... I cut myself alot. I cut my face and my arms and my chest... just slice slice... slice...
I couldn't stand it any more... I couldn't stand living... I keep telling myself I just have to live one more year... One more year and I can let everything go...
If nothing happens this year... then thats It... I don't have to suffer any more... I've been keeping myself alive because of a prophecy because of this illusory truth which may happen and which scares the ******** out of me and I felt as if I had to live to prevent it.
That if I die... I won't die... I'll live in a coma... that if I end it it won't end... I'll still have to live with whatever I do to myself...
That everyone I know will die and suffer...
just put on my shoulders laughing in my face everytime... All the time...The consequences of my actions loom over my shoulder...
I've grown to hate metaphysics... I've grown to hate my selves... I've grown to hate everything to do with magic because of that.
I see others and I know how they think I see it but I refuse to see it...
I know when they are wrong and delusional... I've known for so long its been driving me Crazy!
Ever since I was a child I knew peoples emotions peoples thoughts... I've hated it because its too much to deal with...
To deal with the emotions and lives of soo many to feel responsible for everyone you know and to love everyone regardless of anything else.
The fear of love is over whelming consuming because it hurts soo much... you can only be hurt by the ones you love... you can only hurt the ones you love... All my true thoughts all the inner ones feel soo strong as if they will break me!
I know when people don't understand and it drives me crazy because I don't want to know... its frustrating and conflicting
I know all the thoughts I block out... I see them behind a wall I feel them like a presence within me...
I feel my fear and I feel my distrust... I feel the cage I am building for myself to try to protect me from this great big emptiness I see called existance...
when I look at matter... sometimes I see beyond the matter... when I look at energy I see beyond the energy... to what lies outside all existance and it Frightens ME!
It is something I think I've been running from for most of my existance but I am Not any more!
I remember my soul dying... so close to death that I could feel it... I could feel the nothingness.... that lies beyond existance underneath it!
I could feel passing beneath existance... not controlling anything... not influencing anything... I could see underneath all the structures people create... all the illusory substance. I could feel the pain people create and the love and underneath it... something almost hollow... the deep seated need to create these illusions... to create reality... to shape it... to have it... I felt their need to cling to something... I could feel me releasing everything I had clung to... I realized the truth of my hatred and my love... I realized the truth and it didn't affect me... because it was the truth...
It was as if my eyes were fully open and I understood so clearly everything because I was past the point of caring... past the point of needing control... past the point of false desire and false momentum
I faced non existance... pure non existance.. not nothingness... not anything... it wasn't peace it wasn't calm... it was just nothingness... as if I was nothing and it was nothing... and I saw all the patterns of existance... how everything built upon everything else... how points interacted and created points... I came back though... not because of desire... but because of movement... it was all I had... and it was liek from this deep well I emerged because I realized I could move... I could create something... that all these points though there was no meaning... the movement was meaning... the movement was meaningful enough that something was realized out of it... it was like ripples in a pond... and while... beyond it had no meaning... there was no substance to it... I still percieved it on some level and I realized that no matter how below it I slipped... how detached I became... I was still a part of it... and that it was real because it was a part of me... I had existed within it and that those illusions weren't illusions to me... It isn't clinging to nothing... it isn't holding to some false pretense... movement is the only pretense and I could control this... this is what I had... this Was Something... this was ME
And I came back... and ever since then... this has been lost to me... my will hasn't been whole because a part of me still lingers in that nothing... a part of me still feels the emptiness beneath reality... the emptiness beneath words and emotions and actions... but that emptiness. its like were trying our damndest to fill it...
I am trying my hardest to fill it and that part of me... has just been telling me over and over again... why try... why try...
Why try to change the world... why try to save an illusion... why save... will it be better... will it be worst...
But the only thing I even want to save it from is that movement stopping...
I don't ... care... on some levels about other things... I care but... it is the way the world works... it is the way existance flows... but I can never stop!
The only thing that is real is the movement of my feet... the movement... created by illusions it may be... but in soo amny ways its not...
The movement is Magic!
The movement is the relationships between all things...
you understand the movement... you understand the patterns and what they were created to represent then you understand all of existance... and thus maybe you can keep existance moving...
Because the only reason why existance even moves is because of will... the illusion of movement... the illusion of desire... who knwos but its all that there is that is ... in any way real...
It prompts it guides... It allows limbs to move... branching from a core it latches into it works through.... branching off into existance creating tendrils of change... And We can Move all of existance...
And that is what the turn is... to keep existance moving... while others try to get it to stop... and I realize this now... and I realize my fear... and I realize that magic is nothing to fear because it is all we have... knowledge is nothing to fear because in some ways our will pervades all... or knowledge of our own movement is our knowledge of our universe... of the universe!
If I give up then I am contributing to the ending of existence... I can change my path... I can change my locus and everything else about myself... because it is my will that gives my life that semblance of structure.... it is my will that creates Me...
I understand now... that you dont' Eat souls... that that isn't what soul magic is... it is the joining of will... a cohesive movement...
It is the alignment of movement... and of the direction and will ... and is thus reflected even more greatly in your environment.
My soul is devided... for a reason... I couldn't deal with my knowledge.... I couldn't deal with what I knew... I didn't want to believe...
I hated believing... I was soo ******** up afterwards that my soul broke...
Thats why I have segments... thats why... and my soul... because it understood somethings... understood that I had to... try to gain different perspectives in order to understand this... that perhaps if I lived enough lives and went through enough... experienced enough... I could come to terms with my knowledge... that sending me out... gave me knowledge... that breaking apart let me know more because instead of having one locus of control I had many though all parts of me could do less and less as I fractured more and more... till I was pushed to the point and went through enough to finally understand my own nature...
and once part of me knows... that knowledge can spread through the rest of me... this knowledge is the only thing that can fix me...
Trying ... thinking... wanting to kill myself made me realize this... in all my lives I would never do that... its the only thing I couldn't do... but I did it in other ways...
I sabotaged myself extremely... I ******** up my own thoughts... I refused to think I refused to understand I refused to believe....
I tried to put myself in a state of ignorance... I couldn't... I couldn't forget though what had happened to me!
I couldn't forget all my experiences no matter how hard I tried I always knew they were their... all the experiences of all my lives have Always been there and I have refused to see them... in some cases I didn't actually have access... my soul had broken apart and that well of knowledge has no connection to me what so ever!
You can't access something which you have no and I mean absolutely No connection to... I created modes of connections... ways to exchange info without actually... being a part of each other... View knowledge but not let it be core to your being... not let it be a part of you but aware fo its existance...
But I knew that part of me... was withholding information from myself!
I could feel it... deep within my subconscious... and I can feel it there now but now I feel... as if I know it though I'm not looking at it... I haven't translated it into words or images but it is a very real part of me now... I am accepting it...
All my knowledge it is THERE now... I don't understand it not completely because I haven't figured out how... but a part of me has.. and I can feel that knowledge in me...
I can feel energy again... I can feel my little tendrils of change... working through my body... I can feel my emotions again...
I couldn't do that for a while... I knew they were there... and I could tell you what they were... I could even pretend I was feeling them and know how I would react logically if I was feeling them and mimic reactions so that no one would know that it was there.
I was pantamiming my beliefs... things I said before and things I once thought were true...
Everything that I thought was true about existence... I could tell you it...
I could argue it and tell you why... I could rely on past knowledge in some senses but I wasn't feeling it... it wasn't a part of me in a real sense...
I don't know if anyone will even understand this....
I didn't even really understand it till tonight...
I knew it I didn't understand it...
I felt as if I didn't even understand myself anymore...
I didn't feel like I could even summon the illusion of understanding and all those illusions I built for myself came crumbling down...
They didn't work anymore... none of them worked any more...
My selves are soo obsessed with structure because they suffer this same problem... I just stopped creating illusions... They build and build and build... they create complicated structures on the minutest level...
Everything they say everything they do... it has long exstensive reasoning behind it... It is like semantics... in the end it is meaningless but we still try to create it to try to Do something...
To give meaning to existence...
They created worlds... houses... they played in politics tried to find every diversion they could possibly think of just to find something to do so they wouldn't have to face reality...
It was like a fevered dream for some fo them... I can feel it... the longing the fear... the wild look in their eyes... the frustration...
The fear of unbeing... the fear of stoping because they didn't want to know what that was... they tried to control everything because on some level they were truly Afraid... such a deep seated fear... and they searched and searched and longed for hope!
They were called hope because they'd been so far and came back... they'd been so far and tried so long and worked on building this for other people!
They tried to preserve movement on all levels... preserve life... and not because it was right... they built illusions of right and wrong... they built exstensive moral frame works... religion...
I did this to... throughout my life... I played and toyed with religions governments philosophies...
I've tried everything I could and I called my fear boredom... my fear of being still and quiet ADD
Anything... which questioned my illusions I couldnt' think about... anything that reminded me of my sadness of this nothingness of the meaninglessness of existence
Everything... that was structured... I grew to loath thinking about... because thinking about it I would disect its structure bit by bit... analyzing every stone... analyzing every atom on some level...
I coudln't think about structure yet it pervaded everything I did...
I had to rely on already existing structures to teach people... everything I created relied on something that already was...
I think on some levels I started thinking about this while talking to Michelle... she was talking about her theory of knowledge course and somewhere deep within me I started to panic... I started to think those forbidden thoughts that I stop myself before viewing...
That mixed with everything else... it just built up... I didn't want to think about it... I created my own mini terror... a nightmare of my choosing...
to see the truth and be it... to tell you no more lies... the poems said what I couldn't expressed thoughts I refused to
its all their... http://katriana369.deviantart.com/gallery/#_featured--2
Well not all but a bit...
I've said it all before... and I think now I know what I have to do!
All my security blankets... they've been destroyed and I realized that that is a good thing!
All my beliefs!... all of them... I've been lying to myself for so long... I don't believe them... they were just a way to structure my life... they were just a way to fall into the steps of semantics... I have to reject most of them because they are meaningless...
I dont' believe in darwin anymore... I dont' believe in death I don't believe... in soo many things I used to...
I believe in being... and thats IT! I finally realized that that is it!
Everything that goes along with that... the turn isn't about creating.. something pure and non ******** up... it isn't about shaping the world to fit your desires... its creating a fresh start till I guess this starts to happen again...
Till people start to long for an end to everything... till people start giving up and stop moving and changing and rearranging and everything that allows existance to be. It is only through movement that earth exists... it is only through will through this movement that anything exists...
The turn isn't something to long for it is something Necessary when situations come to be like that.... some part of me new this all along... thats why I couldn't give in to unbeing... because that isn't a part of me...
I don't think I ever could... and that is what true hope is... it isn't even hope its utter ******** Obstinance in the face of adversity... it is no matter how ******** up things are and how much you would like things to change... it is never ever Ever ******** turning in your dice...
No matter what and this is now a thing which is core to my being... I will never Ever suffer from my doubts again because I realize this now...
what ever pace you decide to ake you decide to take it ... what ever path you chose well ******** it its THERE!
Weather you like structure... or you live from the chaotic nature of existance or both....
You crave structure for stability for illusions....
The tower metaphor... I understand it now...
you create a tower built of truth... and you build and build and build... until one day... you find that one of the stones is an illusion and it comes crashing down... The foundation isn't strong enough... so you find this weakness and you fix it and you build and build again... but thats the Thing! the entire ******** thing is illusion the only thing that was real was your actions in building it...
You will never finish building it... the world... that we live in is like that tower... we built it... we made it structured... we created all the wierdness we created all the societies... will formed it...
Weather it be one person or a million... it just was made more and more complex untill people start finding holes in the illusion... people start finding issue... peopel start weakening it... and then the world is destroyed and rebuilt this time more complex then the last... thats why there were seven earths...
Each one more "perfect" then the last... Each one... harder and harder to change... until you realize there is no ******** spoon!
The matrix was right lol... but not in the way everyone thinks...
all you have to do to change the illusion is to understand the illusion.. understand the movements that come together to create the illusions.
Thats why my selves are soo obsessed with prophecy... nothing is real without only from within... we live in a closed circuit... to see everything from a compeltely detached view point is to see the truth of existance...
I have said this soo many times... but I never truly understood WHY!
I knew our movements interacted thus... when you move within the circuit you are affecting other points on the circuit. Your will changes things... thus to see movement clearly you need to remove your will...
Thats what I knew but I realized you can do this even from within the circuit...
I dont' know everything feel so CLEAR! And everything feels so right...!
I have finally achieved inner peace... Peace with my thoughts my fears and my world! I dont' feel at one with all existence... but it doesn't matter if I pay attention to it or not as long as it keeps moving and me within it... and I can literally do whatever I want...
All I have to realize is what I want and thats to help people... to keep things moving... not because I need some illusions to cling to....
not to feel as if I am helping people or contributing to some good cause...
And not because of fear!
I feel no fear anymore! I feel finally FREE!
FREEDOM soo sweet!
And I want other people to realize this... I want other people to realize the truth of existence... and I don't want people to dread it... and I don't want people to create all these illusions any more... all these false conflicts which have no real meaning... I just want people to create for the Sake of creation.... move for the Sake Of MOVEMENT
Live for the constant changing of life!
To relish the permutation you can create... to relish the patterns you can form and build not because it accomplishes something but because it Is something...
Not because if you go away there will be something there for you to cling to when you die... but because there is some joy in change... there is a joy in movement which is pure...
Pure joy pure emotion... in a sense... to just feel the altercations of current... to feel the currents and to alter the currents...
To understand what can be done and what you can do... and what has happened... and to not be afraid anymore!
I don't know... I wonder if in some ways it is the fear that keeps people alive... because I know it kept me alive for soo long... without me ever realizing it
I know I don't understand everything yet... but I think now I can finally be whole... perhaps now I can mesh with my selves... perhaps now... we will just live.. I will just live instead of we! I will just Know! If the turn is destined to come I think I am ready for it... and if its not... then I am ready for that to.
There is no end... the world just turns and turns and as long as some one realizes this... just one person... if just one person keeps moving... then the universe will always continue however it may turn out it doesn't MATTER!
Perhaps it was this fear that destroyed the first place... the beginging place... perhaps this is curruption? fear is the mind killer... its not just that... it forces you to do things ... it just messes everything up in all ways...
It stops you... it limits your choices it clouds your judgement... fear of change... hear of ending... fear of life!
And their are people... who try to bring about that end... why? Why not just let everything fade and be remade... Why would anyone want the turn....
I did for a while though... to escape the fear...
I did so I wouldnt' have to face it anymore... I wouldnt' have it looming and I would be free in a different way... there would be no going back if existence ended...
If the turn came and the will was to stop moving... if the will to have everything stop... if the will was to cease the curruption to never let it happen again... that is a will that I have seen before
People who believe that existence is pain... yet who can't let go.. who just wnt someone to free them of it...
What if existence is pain... what reality is there in pain?
Pain is a creation like everything else...
It was one of the things I feared and that is gone now... that faded when I hurt myself.
I don't fear dying... because I don't need a body to affect things...
I don't fear non existence because that will never be... I was and I will always be! I think I understand the spirits of the beyond... the ones that do not touch existence... I understand the spirits of the below finally...
I understand why they don't touch... I understand why they come and go... I understand... I think... I'm happy
Well in any case have a good night ^_^ or morning whatever
